Follow the Beans

Do you ever wonder what your guinea pig does when you are not home?  I do all the time about Alfalfa.  He leaves a lot of evidence behind from his daily activities. In fact, he has an automatic tracing system…

Sometimes, when I get home, I find a trail of beans from place to place in the apartment.  I like to think that Alfalfa has some sort of line dotting machine in his butt…a “bean-line machine”.  It traces dotted lines wherever he travels around the house…only using his beans.  I think it’s normally set to one bean per ten steps.  That’s the only way to describe the lines he creates.  These lines come in very handy when trying to see what he was up to during the day.

I think there is an idle setting on the bean-line machine.  But the idle setting is at a higher distribution rate than the walking setting.  Whenever he stops somewhere, there is a larger bean concentration.  The size of the pile is directly related to the time he spends at a specific location.  For example, I found a huge pile of beans in front of where I keep the treats.  To me, that large pile of beans indicates that he spends a long time looking up at the treats wishing for one.

There is a ‘dump’ setting on it too.  I think that’s in case he unable to dispense all of the beans needed to prevent a backup.  Thank goodness he tends to use that setting on his pans under the bed.  However, the height of the piles does surprise me.  It seems like they are much taller than him.  How is that possible?   Does he shoot them out?  Does he climb the pile like Mount Everest and build from the top to down?  Does he stand on something and bomb the pans?  I don’t think that I will ever know the truth.

The final setting is on Alfalfa’s bean-liner is the run setting.  When he has this setting on it is harder to determine where he has been.  This is a one bean for fifteen step setting.  So, it’s hard to figure out where he has been.  I decided to make a map.  That was a disaster.  See:

Alfalfa’s Bean Pattern…

As you can see from the map above I couldn’t figure out what the heck had happened during the day.  It just looked like a bunch of beans strewn around the room.  All I could say is that he had one heck of time making it…  Oh, Alfalfa.

Welcome Home…

Alfalfa likes to greet me at the door some days when I get home from work. Some days it’s nice. Some days it’s not… The not so nice days are when he greets me with complaints. Those are usually days that I’m a bit late coming home. I will put the key in the door lock and the complaining starts. The noise of the key in the lock must be his queue to start. “Wheek, wheek, wheek,” he yells as loud as possible. I will respond to his complaints, “Yes, yes, yes… I know; I’m late…” I continue to try to sooth his temper as I unlock the second lock on the door. It doesn’t work…ever. My voice only confirms to him that I am late and that I am guilty of being late with dinner.

“Hey!” – A

One time I was talking to him through the door and I dropped my keys. The lady from across the hall came out to see what all of the ‘noise’ was about. “Ello!” I heard from behind me and I jumped dropping my keys again.

“Oh, hello,” I said bending over to grab my keys again.

“Oh,” the lady said, “El Diablo is bad, yes?”

“Sounds like it,” I said fumbling with my keys.

“He need Jesus!” she declared turning. I saw her backside running back into her apartment. I presumed she was grabbing the Holly Water. I quickly got the key in the lock and opened the door. Alfalfa was in truly terrible mood this day and made a bad choice. He ran past me and out of the apartment. As he exited the apartment, the lady from across the hallway was rushing back out of her apartment. The two sworn foes locked eyes.

“Alfalfa,” I called, “Get your butt back in the house!” He ignored me. He was focused on one thing: that lady from across the hall with the Holly Water. In true western style, Alfalfa and the lady from across the hall were in a showdown. Her weapon? Holly Water. His weapon? His voice and boldness.

Alfalfa had a glint of determination in his eyes. I wasn’t going to just let this happen. I took a step forward and bent to pick up my bad guinea pig. I was too slow.

Alfalfa let out the mother of all squeals and charged at the lady. She took a step back fumbling the Holly Water. Alfalfa stopped half way between her and my apartment door. I was left to stand there half bent over to pick up a now gone guinea pig. “Alfalfa pig!” I admonished standing back up. “You leave her alone!” He ignored me.

The lady got her wits about her, put some Holly Water in her hand, and threw it at Alfalfa. She muttered, “Go, El Diablo, go…” It only made Alfalfa more furious. He wheeked again and began to hiss.

“Look,” I said to the lady, “You’re just going to make him madder…” She ignored me. She took some more Holly Water and threw it in Alfalfa’s direction. He hissed and charged her. The lady jumped and back up several steps into her door. She was making the sign of the cross with the hand holding the Holly Water while frantically searching for the door handle with her free hand.

“No, no, no, no,” came from her mouth. She found the door handle and backed into her apartment.

“Alfalfa,” I called from mid-way between our two doors, “Let’s go! That’s enough trouble…” But no, Alfalfa had to have the last word. The lady watched Alfalfa through the crack created by the mostly closed door. He walked up to her welcome mat in the hallway, turned around, and planted several beans on it. The lady screamed as if she was hit by something and slammed her door fully closed. The noise started Alfalfa and several more beans went flying as he jumped.

Finished with his business, Alfalfa trotted over and past me. All I could do was shake my head and get a napkin to clean up his fresh mess. I called to the shut door across the hallway, “He’s gone… You’re safe now…” I followed Alfalfa into the apartment. I was finally able to put my school stuff down. So, I grabbed a napkin to clean up the mess.

“Feed me now!” – A

When I got into the hallway, I saw the lady from across the hallway liberally applying Holly Water and prayers to Alfalfa’s beans. I told her that I would happily clean them up and spray the mat for extra measure. She would not let me touch them. “Mark of El Diablo…” she said pointing to the bean.

I sighed, “Yes, and I will clean them up…”

“No!” she said firmly. “We pray for Jesus…” She grabbed my hand and started saying the Lord’s prayer in Spanish. So, I stood there and prayed along with her in English over my guinea pig’s beans… When she was satisfied that the ‘evil’ from the beans was gone, I was allowed to remove them and throw them outside. As I came back in I saw her blessing her entrance with Holly Water and incense. She was brandishing a rather large cross while performing her blessing.

I wished her well and went back into my apartment. Alfalfa was standing there waiting for me. “You!” I said as I closed the door. “Do you realize what you just did?” Alfalfa huffed at me. “I had to pray over your beans, your poop… The lady from across the hall thinks that you cursed her…” Alfalfa let out another huff. “What am I going to do with you?” I asked picking up his food bowl and heading to the kitchen. Alfalfa let out joyful squeaks of anticipation for dinner. He had forgotten about the whole thing already… That’s a guinea pig for you…

Author’s Note: We would like to send out a special thanks to all of our fans. The Facebook page Alfalfa’s Adventures hit 500 likes. That’s just awesome. You are just awesome!

A Magic Bean?

I want to ask a serious question to all guinea pig owners.  Do guinea pig bean have magic powers?  You know, like the beans in the story “Jack and the Beanstalk”?  They seem to be everywhere and nowhere all at once.  How is that possible?

“Hay dive!” – A

I got to school the other day and went about my normal routine.  During the middle of my physics class I reached into my pocket and felt something.  As my fingers ran over it I quickly realized it was one of Alfalfa’s beans.  I was puzzled and amazed by the find.  My surprise was written all over my face.  My face turned several unnatural shades…all at once.  Several students asked me if I was ok.  I said that I ‘needed to use my inhaler…’ and proceeded quickly into my prep room out of my students’ view.  I quickly threw the bean out in the trash can, made some noise to make it sound like I was doing what I had said, washed my hands, and walked back out with the best composed face I could make.

Again, several students again asked if I was ok.  I lied and said I was fine.  I wanted to say, ‘You won’t believe what I just found in my pocket:  a bean!’  But then I realized that I was talking about finding guinea pig poop in my pocket.  Most likely, that would not go over too well…with anyone.  The more I thought about it, the grosser it became.  I spent the rest of the day pondering how that magic bean had gotten into my pocket.

“What?” – A

Now, I know what you are thinking…  ‘Well, you must have washed your GP stuff and then your personal stuff in the same washer and by transfer it wound up in your pocket.’  There is one flaw with that idea…  I don’t wash my clothes and GP stuff in the same washer… I use two different ones at the same time… It’s faster!  Besides, a bean would have had to survive the washing process and then floated into my pocket, get dried in the drier, survive being hung up, and finally survive me mad-handling the pants in my morning rush.  Statistically improbable.

So, let’s move on to another possibility:  ‘Well, you must have cleaned up something with a paper towel, placed the towel in your pocket, and then an errant bean just stayed there.’  Really?  A bean just stayed there?  That’s silly.  Besides, it would have to survive the washing process and all that other stuff.  I don’t think so.  I’d love to hear your thoughts and ideas on how that bean got into my pocket.  Also, I’d love to hear about some of the odd places you have found beans.

My conclusion is that Alfalfa has acquired some sort of magic power allow him to teleport beans into people’s pockets…  Odder things have happened with him…right?

 

Author’s Note:  After have several people message me about the blog tonight.  I have gone over to a neighbor’s house and borrowed a computer.  This is not the blog I had planned for tonight.  Thanks for understanding.

A Defective Product

To: GP Manufacturing Company

From: Kerry Anne Kay

April 24, 213

Dear Sirs;

I am writing this letter to complain about a product that I received from your company. I have a life-time warranty on the product and have included a copy of the certificate of ownership and warranty for your inspection.

When I received the unit, I was given an estimate on the cost of ownership per month of operation. The cost for my unit has far exceeded the estimated cost of ownership provided by your company. In fact, I have calculated the cost for running the unit for an average month. It is operating at 300% over estimated cost. That is outrageous. The other issue with the operating cost of the unit is the type of energy pellets it is willing to accept. The unit is supposed to receive the mid to low grade energy pellets without any issues. However, this current unit will only actively accept high grade energy pellets. I have attempted to adjust the energy receiving unit several times to no avail.

The broken energy pellet input area…

Another major issue with the unit is the energy unit input to spent energy pellet output ratio. The unit seems to expel more used pellets than it receives. It is a mystery how the unit can receive 30 units of energy pellets and expel 90 used pellets. The energy input area is not safe for human fingers. Quite often the unit will close on my finger or toe drawing blood. I have tried to prevent this by providing extra energy input pellets for the device. It did not work. This unit is a hazard to anyone that tries to give it energy input pellets.

Third, I was informed that the unit would only expel solid waste products. However, my unit has begun to leak a yellowish-clear fluid occasionally. The location of leakage always seems to be someplace that is quite incontinent for cleanup. Speaking of inconvenience, the unit will recharge in areas that are not appropriate. It spends time under the bed or in a small house I have provided. This is a very rude thing to do while I am home. It seems prefers these areas over me. I got the unit in hopes of having a new companion around the house. However, the unit has provided very little companionship.

An example of the unit recharging in an improper location…

The maintenance on this unit has been very difficult. The unit will not come on command as described in your initial information pamphlet. If I call the unit, it tends to run in the opposite direction from me. When I attempt to adjust the unit’s traction system, it will not hold still. In fact, most times, the unit’s energy input device will close around one of my fingers drawing blood when I attempt to make this routine adjustment. Cleaning the unit’s sonic input sensory system is even worse. It will not tolerate that maintenance. Speaking of cleaning, the unit tends to acquire a foul odor very quickly. I will attempt to clean it by soaking it in water and a mild detergent. The unit reacts in a hurky-jerky fashion. This leads me to believe that the unit is not fully waterproof as described in your advertisements. I believe that there is water entering the unit causing a short circuit.

Then there is the issue of the sonic output device. There is no volume control on the unit to turn down or off the alarm system. The alarm will go off for no apparent reason. I have the unit set to silent at night. That particular setting fails constantly on the unit. It sets itself off at random hours when I am sleeping. I have to say it is quite annoying to be woken up at 4 am because the unit perceives it is low on energy input pellets. This is never the case. I am very fastidious about keeping the unit’s energy input pellet dispenser up to date and full.

The defective spent energy pellets port…

The final reason I am returning this unit to you is its inability to interact with most humans. It will set off its alarm or retreat to a recharging area when I have guests over. I obtained the unit with the expectation that it would help entertain my guests. It refuses to entertain or even show its self when guests are present. My guests have attempted to give it energy input pellets only to have the energy input areas close around their fingers. I will not keep a unit that may be a hazard for my guest.

To summarize, I have enclosed the unit, a copy of the certificate of ownership, and warranty for your inspection. I except a full refund or a brand new unit immediately. The new unit should not have any defects I have described or otherwise. Please feel free to contact me at: http://kerryannekay.wordpress.com/ or https://www.facebook.com/AlfalfasAdventures if you have any questions. Thank you for your time and consideration in this matter.

Sincerely;

Kerry Anne Kay

P.S. – The unit’s original programming code was called “Buckley”. I have since installed an updated version of the software called “Alfalfa”.

Author’s note: Guinea pigs are not products. They are a huge responsibility. This is meant as a silly commentary on some of the stuff Alfalfa does. Do not take it any other way… I’m not planning on retiring him. I love and cherish him.

What is that Noise?

This past Monday I got home in the early afternoon as usual.  However, I found Alfalfa in a bit of a compromising situation.  He was asleep, out cold, in his hay half buried in the stuff.  He was on his side using the hay as a pillow.  It was so cute.  I broke out laughing at him.  Alfalfa woke and stretched.  He looked up at me with an annoyed look, realized it was me, and jumped.  I had scared him.  Alfalfa wheeked at me as loud as he could manage.   He was obviously annoyed with me.  “Sorry…” I murmured sarcastically, “I didn’t mean to interrupt your beauty sleep…” Alfalfa sniffed and started to nonchalantly chew on his hay.  He was trying to play off the scare.  I giggled again and went about getting his dinner ready.

As I was preparing dinner, I heard a faint noise.  I stopped chopping carrots and listened.  It sounded like someone was rubbing my window.  I walked over to the blinds and looked.  Nothing.  “Odd,” I said to the empty view.  I closed the blinds and went back to my dinner preparations.  Several minutes later I heard the sound again.  “What the heck is that?” I asked a quiet and empty apartment.  Alfalfa walked around the corner and looked up at me.  “Was that you?” I asked him.  He huffed at me.  “Yes, I know,” I said, “less talk and more dinner…”

“Smile!” – A

I finished Alfalfa’s dinner, gave it to him, and started to work on my own dinner.  I didn’t hear the noise for the rest of the night and quickly forgot all about it.  Later that night, I was woken from a sound sleep.  I sat up in bed and felt my heart start to beat faster and faster.  I felt like something was in the apartment.  I reached over and turned on my lamp.  The dark apartment came alive with light.  There was nothing but silence.  Alfalfa walked out from under the bed.  He looked annoyed at me for walking him up…the second time that day.  “What?” I said to him, “I thought I heard something.”  He huffed at me and went back under the bed. I sighed and turned off the light.  ‘What the hell was that noise?’ I thought.

I slept through the night without further incident.  On Tuesday, I got home and just like Monday, I started to prepare Alfalfa’s food.  I heard the rubbing sound again.  I froze.  ‘Déjà vu?’ I thought.  I held my breath and listened.  The rubbing noises continued.  I carefully put my knife down and turned.  Silence.  I heard Alfalfa let out some small eeps of pleasure.  ‘Where was that trouble maker?’ I thought.  ‘This better not be all about Rags…’ is what also came to mind.  I carefully tip-toed through the kitchen into my work area.  I stood still and listened.  Again, there was nothing but silence.

“Hey, mom! Is this good here?” – A

‘This is stupid,’ I thought after several minutes.  ‘I am an idiot for sneaking around my own apartment listening for noises.’  I sighed and was about to move when the noise came again…louder.  Then it stopped.  I took a step forward.  Nothing.  I took several light steps into the junction between the hall and living room.  I looked left into the living room.  The room was quiet.  Then I looked right down the small hall.  Alfalfa was standing there sniffing the wall.

I froze. I didn’t want him to know I was watching him.  Alfalfa turned away from the wall and put his butt up against it.  He began to vigorously rub butt-wax on the wall.  His rubbing made that noise that was driving me crazy.  “ALFALFA PIG!” I yelled.  Alfalfa jumped and took off for the bed.  I walked over to the wall to inspect his work.  There was a butt-waxed area along the baseboard.  It was about 12 inches long and three inches wide.  He had been busy.

I sighed at the sight.  “Oh, Alfalfa…” was all I could say.  I heard him eep at my feet.  “Dude?” I asked him pointing at the waxed spot, “was that totally necessary?”  Alfalfa turned his head and gave me that ‘you’re a stupid human’ look he has perfected.  I turned and walked towards the kitchen to get my paint scraper.  I planned to use it to remove the butt-wax from the wall.  I had my head half under the sink looking for it when the noise came again.  I popped back out from under the sink.  Sure enough he was at it again.  “Darn it!” I yelled and got up to stop my devil guinea pig from butt-waxing the wall.  When I got in view of him I said, “GOT YOU!”  Alfalfa bolted again.

I had to stop Alfalfa several times from rubbing his butt-wax on the wall.  I tried cleaning the spot with bleach.  But it didn’t cut through the wax as well as I wanted.  I was forced to go out and get a stronger cleaner help with the spot.  It was an all-natural orange cleaner.  After cleaning, I saw Alfalfa approach the spot.  He sniffed it and sneezed.  “Oh,” I said, “don’t like orange?”  Later that evening, I was sitting down on my couch when I heard Alfalfa rubbing his butt on the wall again.  The orange smell must have worn off.  “Alfalfa Pig!” I called from the couch as I turned to see him freeze mid butt rub.  “CAUGHT!” I yelled and he bolted.  I got up and put a small amount of cage fencing along the section of the wall he was waxing. I went to bed.  I calculate it may have worked for at most eight hours.  In the morning it was down and it was clear that Alfalfa had been butt-waxing the wall again.  I give up…  I just give up…

Myths and Misconceptions

This is Alfalfa.  I’ve read some of the lies my mother has been saying about me…  So, I am writing today’s blog because I need to set the record straight on several things with you, my fans.

1) Biting Toes – Contrary to what my mother says, I do not bite her toes because I am mean.  It is simply a matter of taste.  I cannot help it if my mother’s toes and the most wonderful, tasty, juicy, thing I’ve ever had in my mouth.  It may be an addiction.

“Hey, ladies…” – A

2) Random Beans – I do not “let the beans fly” anywhere in the house.  Each pile of beans is a statement.  Just because my mother cannot figure out what I mean, does not make it any less of a statement.  You human cherish your freedom of expression.  So do I!  I just use beans to make my point.  Ok, I’ll admit, there are some beans that are not a “statement”.  But, hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go…  Besides, holding in beans can’t be good for my prostate.  Why risk it?

3) Rags –  Rags is everything a man could want.  I don’t really want to talk about our relationship other than to say that I love her…and to tell her thanks for last night…

4) Girlfriends – Speaking of girlfriends, I really do not have that one special lady in my life.  I mean, I am communication with several on-line.  But I am not sure where to go with those relationships.  Besides, “someone” threatens all of the other girls that I talk to…  I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.  What’s a sexy boar to do?

5) Late Food – Contrary to what my mom says, I do not “yell” “at” “her” for serving my food late.  I am just “yelling” because my stomach hurts…bad.   It’s an expression of pain not frustration.  I can’t help it if it coincides with my mom being lazy or mom being mean or mom forgetting me or mom being late coming home. It’s pain…because my stomach is empty…

6) Destruction – I am not a destructive guinea pig.  The truth is my teeth are constantly growing.  I need to make sure they stay trimmed down.  So, I find inventive ways to make sure that happens…  Just because it involves mom’s furniture sometimes, doesn’t mean I’m being destructive…  It means I’m being proactive about my teeth.  Replacing a $150 desk is WAY cheaper than the vet bills I could have because my teeth were in poor shape.  Trust me.

“I’m a sexy boar…” – A

7) My Man-li-ness – No doubt, you all know that I am a very handsome boar.  I enjoy the benefits of being boar.  But I hear rumors that my mom is threating my enjoyment of being a boar.  I’m telling you now, if she does that to me, I will try to remove one of her toes…with my teeth…

8) Mom – Speaking of moms, I’ve got some good applications for my new mother. I still have not made the choice of who will be my new mom.  I keep trying to find that perfect combination of servant, caretaker, and minion.  It’s been hard.  I mean Garibaldi has a mom that worships him so much, she takes his plushy on vacation!  And lets the plushy write about it:  http://gianthamster.com/2013/04/super-capy-gets-his-powers/   And Dobby’s mom loves him so much that when she says no, she really doesn’t mean it…  Seriously, check out his latest video:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqDpJMSj6d8 I mean, why can’t I have a mom like those two?  *sigh*

Well, I hope that I have set the record straight.  I’ve got to go and eat some dinner.  It’s a rough life.  Hope you have a good week.

- Alfalfa

GP Farts

Well, as some of you could have predicted, this blog is going to be about farting…more specifically guinea pig farts.  Yes, I know, you don’t believe that a guinea pig can fart.  Let me tell you, they can!  And it’s not a pleasant experience for anyone within several hundred feet…

“My silly Easter picture…” – A

I was making a traditional dish for dinner on Tuesday night.  It consists of fried cabbage, butter, egg-noodles, and some spices.  Before you can cook the cabbage you need to cut it up into smaller squares.  As I was cutting, I accidentally dropped a larger square of cabbage on the floor.  I looked down and saw Alfalfa sniff then grab the cabbage.  “Dude,” I said to him in a firm voice, “put that down…”  In response, he bolted.  “Alfalfa!” I yelled to a rather large guinea pig butt as it quickly disappeared under the bed.  “Oh, boy,” I said putting down my knife and grabbing a towel.

I walked over to the bed and pulled the skirt up.  “Alfalfa pig!” I said to my bad boy, “Give me that.  It’s not good for you…” I reached in to his area and was rewarded with a nip.  I pulled my hand back and visually inspected the area.  The cabbage was gone.  “Oh, pig,” was all I could say.  I walked back over to my dinner preparations.

I finished making dinner and sat down to eat.  That’s when the smell started.  ‘What the heck is that?’ I thought as I ate.  It soon got worse.  I got up and walked over to the door, opened it, and stuck my head out.  I sniffed the air.  It smelled better in the hallway then in my apartment.  I closed the door and turned sniffing for the source of offensive odor.

“Yes?” – A

Alfalfa walked by at my feet.  He stopped, looked up at me, and farted.  “DUDE!” I said.  I leaned forward and was greeted by an awful smell.  “Oh, my goodness!” I said standing back up and holding my nose.  “I told you that cabbage was no good for you…” I complained through a pinched nose.  Alfalfa continued on walking towards his food dish.  As he walked he released small farts.  He was completely oblivious to the smell that he was producing.

I went over to the kitchen and got out the air freshener.  Over the next hour, I think I used up a ½ can of air freshener trying to counteract the stench.  At one point in time, Alfalfa let out a machine gun farting round off.  Oh, it was bad…so bad.  I had the bathroom fan on trying to pull out the smell of the air.  Finally after about three hours the frequency of Alfalfa’s gas slowed and almost stopped.  It was the sweetest thing I had not smelled all day.

Author’s note:  Gas for guinea pigs can be a very deadly condition.  The gas can give the guinea pig bloat if not quickly passed.  If your guinea pig develops gas from a specific food, it’s best not to give that food to your guinea pig.  Sometimes eating too much of a specific food, such as fresh grass, can give a guinea pig gas.  It’s best to feed all items to your guinea pig in moderation and avoid any that cause gas.  It could be a matter of life and death for your guinea pig.