Posted by: kerryannekay | July 15, 2021

Guinea Pig Help Line

*phone ringing*

Women’s Voice: “Yes, hello, this is the ‘Guinea Pig Help Line’.  How may I direct your call?”

Me: “I’m not sure who I need to speak to…”

Women’s Voice: “Okay, tell what seems to be the problem and I’ll direct your call the best I can.”

Me: “Well, it’s sorta embarrassing…”

Women’s Voice: “Ma’am, all of our calls are held in the strictest of confidence.  We’ve heard it all here.  You’ve taken the first step reaching out to us.  Let us help you…”

Me: “Okay.” *take in deep breath* “My guinea pigs, my new guinea pigs, Turtle Fitzgerald and Clapton don’t like green OR red peppers…” *small sob*

Women’s Voice: “Oh, my…” *computer keys clicking in the background* “Okay, I’m going to transfer you to one of our non-medical emergency specialists… Please hold.” 

Me:  *now full-on crying* “Thank you…”

*clicks over the phone* *one ring*

Man’s Voice: “Non-Medical Emergency Department, this is Brad speaking, how may I help you?”

Me: *sniffling* “Hi, Brad, my name is Kerry Anne.”

Brad: “Yes, Kerry Anne, thank you for your call.  How may I help you today?”

Me: “Well, my new guinea pigs, Turtle Fitzgerald and Clapton don’t like green OR red peppers… and that’s not normal…” *lets out a large sob*

Brad: “Oh,” *furious clicking of keys in the background* “Let me just look up something here…”

Me: *continues to sob*

Brad: “Okay, I think I’ve found something here that may help… Kerry Anne?”

Me: *attempting to pull self together* “Yes, I’m here… give me a minute.” *blows nose*

Brad: “Okay, are you sitting down?”

Me: “Yes, why?  Is it that bad?”
Brad: “Not bad, just unusual…”

Me: “Okay, what is it?”

Brad: “My reference book says, ‘Although unusual, some guinea pigs may not like green or red peppers’ and it continues with, ‘these guinea pigs are extremely rare and must be given extra vitamin c to compensate for loss of the vitamin usually obtained from the vegetable.”

Me: “Unusual?  That sounds like a nice way of saying ‘defective’!”

Brad: “No, not at all!  Let me read you this part, ‘These rare guinea pigs are not defective as some might think.  They are simply picky eaters that do not like green or red peppers.’”

Me: *scoffs* “So, you’re telling me that I’ve adopted TWO super picky eaters?”

Brad: “It appears so…”

Me: “TWO?  What are the odds?”

Brad: “Well, these are guinea pigs we’re talking about… So, the odds are pretty good…”

Me: “Uh-huh.”

Brad: “So, it’s unusual and rare but not an emergency…  Just make sure you give them plenty to vitamin c from another source…”

Me: “Uh-huh.”

Brad: “Your guinea pigs can have a long and healthy life without green and red peppers!  All you’ve got to do is believe!”

Me: “A long and healthy life… with no green or red peppers…  Okay, I can accept that.  They are guinea pigs after all…”

Brad: “That’s the spirit!”

Me: “I guess I need to go and apologize to my picky eaters for calling them defective…”

Brad: “Yes, that’s always a good idea.  Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Me: “No, that was my only concern…”

Brad: “Great!  Thank you for calling the Guinea Pig Help Line this is Brad from the Non-Medical Emergency Department.  I hope that I answered all of your questions and was able to provide all of the answers you needed.  I’d appreciate it if you’d hold for a short survey. Have a good day.”

Me: “Thanks.” *waits for survey to begin*

*after the survey*

Me:  *turns towards cage* “Well, Turtle Fitzgerald and Clapton, it seems that I owe you an apology… You’re not defective… you’re picky!  Like I’ve never heard of that before from a guinea pig…”

And, if you haven’t figured out that this entire piece is satire, please let me show you a bridge I’m selling… cheap…  Much love. – KA


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