Posted by: kerryannekay | April 12, 2019

I Hate Gardening – Part 2

So, there I was, standing in the middle of the aisle, with a bunch of people staring holes in my back, following the Garden Snob (GS).  I wasn’t happy.

“Miss? Mam’am? Lady?” I called from behind GS as I followed her down the aisle.   She ignored me.  “Uhhhhhh,” I tried again, “I need my basket back, now…”

“You see this?” GS remarked picking out my package of cucumber seeds.  “These are not ‘really’ a heritage brand.”  GS made air quotes to emphasize her point.

“I don’t care if they are…” I stared but quickly got cut off by GS.

This interaction less than five minutes already and it was getting old.  I tried the direct approach to the situation.  “Look,” I said boldly striding up to GS’s side.  “I’m gonna need that basket back…now.”

GS stopped in short in her tracks.  She turned to me and said, “Excuse me?”

“My basket,” I told her and pointed at the basket.  “I am going to need that back.”

“And I’m going to need you to be more polite to me,” she demanded.

“Uhhh, Lady,” I coughed, “You’re the one who took a complete stranger’s shopping basket without permission.”

“Uh-huh,” was all GS mumbled back to me.  Now, for all of those of you who don’t live near or in the South, the “uh-huh” mutter in a thick and sarcastic tone actually translates to: “You fixing for a fight?”  Clearly this GS wasn’t going to just give up my basket because it was the correct and normal thing to do… nope.

I had to make a quick decision on how to proceed in response to the “Uh-huh” gauntlet just thrown down.  Several options came to mind:  1) I could just put up with it.  2) I could freak out on the lady.  3) I could walk away, ignore her, and start my shopping all over again.  4) I could play the crazy guinea pig lady.  5) I could try to charm her.

Option four.  Definitely, option four with a bit of option five thrown in…

“Listen,” I said softening my tone and putting on a thick southern accent, “I’ve got a list that I’ve been given…can’t deviate from it or my rear will be in a sling.”

“Huh,” was GS’s response.

“And, I don’t want to disappoint my boys.  I’ll have you know for a fact that they made that list just for me, their mama,” I added in the sweetest of tones.

“Your boys?” GS asked.  I had her hooked.

“Well,” I drew out, “they are just the sweetest to boys… getting old now… five on August 1st… where does time go?”

“I know,” she agreed, “kids grow up sooo fast.”

“Oh, honey,” I sighed in the same thick southern accent, “It’s been such a wonderful journey.  They are adopted.”

“Adopted?” she gasped.  After a long and thoughtful pause, she said, “I wouldn’t want to go against their wishes.”  She looked down in disapproval at my basket and slowly handed it back to me.

“Thank you, sweetie,” I said smearing on a thick southern accent.

I turned to go but was stopped with, “Can I see a picture of your boys?” from GS.

“Sure,” I said and grabbed out my phone.  “Their names are Fred and Lamont.”

“Wow, such grown up names for almost five-year-old boys,” she remarked.

I held up my phone with one of my favorite pictures of Fred and Lamont, my guinea pigs.  “Aren’t’ they just the sweetest little angles?”  GS looked down at the picture and turned three colors of white and red instantaneously.

“Oh, oh, oh,” she stammered.  I had her right where I wanted her.  You see in polite circles, you never insult another person’s children, no matter how ugly.  She was prepared for anything but what I shoved in front her face.

“What? You don’t think their fur just shines in this picture,” I asked rubbing it in.

“Uhhhhh,” she murmured, “Lovely…”  She unceremoniously turned and walked away.  As she rounded the corner, I heard her hit some sort of display rack.

“Ha!” declared in victory.  As I turned, the entire group of shoppers behind me gave me a rousing round of golf claps.  “Thank you,” I mouthed to them understanding that no one wanted to make any noises that would draw GS back to this aisle.  I took a small bow and made a b-line for the checkout.

“Hello,” the cashier greeted me and asked, “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

“No,” I said curtly, “And I don’t care… just ring me out.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that.  Can I…” was all she got out.

“No, no thanks, nope, I’m good,” I got out in all one breath.  “I’m in a hurry.”  The cashier finished checking me out without another word.

I grabbed my bag, ran out to my car, and drove home.  I was done with human interactions for the day.  When I got home, I went upstairs to the bedroom and right to Fred and Lamont’s cage.  “Dudes,” I sighed and sat down next to their cage, “I meet the craziest lady at the store today…” – KA


Responses

  1. I can’t stop laughing! Good work guinea pig mom – you put that snooty GS in her place.


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