Posted by: kerryannekay | March 29, 2019

I Hate Gardening

So, as the tile states, I hate gardening.  I do plant several things for the benefit of Fred and Lamont.  It’s a small potted garden on my porch.  But I don’t consider that a ‘garden’ by any measure.  I pick out seeds, put them in pots, water them, fertilize them, and then pick what grows.  I like to call it ‘gardening light’.  But I’m getting off topic…

There are several reasons I hate gardening but the biggest one is the “Gardening Snob”.  Yes, I said it “Gardening Snob”.   Let’s, for the sake of my fingers and space, just call them GS.

“What do I mean by GS?”, you are wondering.  Great question!  A typical GS is someone you meet in the fancy gardening store.  You can spot them as they peruse the seed selection.  “Oh,” they will mutter, “I would NEVER buy my seeds from a place like this!” And, “Organic?  How do you KNOW it’s organic?  Do they have the stamp that says the seeds are organic?”  Or the best, “I bought *Genius-species * last week.  These aren’t the same.  I wonder what franken-plant this will breed…”

Now, I’m not knocking people who buy their seeds from specialized places or know the scientific and common names of their plants.  Those gardeners are fine.  What makes the GS different is when they walk into a store, goes to where the seed are, and stands there to offer unsolicited advice about the another person’s seed selection.  That’s a GS!

For example, I found my self in a fancy gardening store last week.  Let’s just call it “Jardin d’Amour”.  I actually like their seed quality and variety.  As I walked down the isle of seeds, a GS was floating back and forth picking up seed packets, examining them, clicking her tongue in disapproval, and putting them back down.  “Crap,” I muttered under my breath and did a quick turnaround.  As I was executing my turn, my basket caught a display and scattered packages of seeds everywhere.  “Oh, bleep,” was all I got out before the GS swooped down on me like a bird of prey.

“Oh, dear,” GS cooed at me, “let me help you pick those up.

“Thanks,” I muttered keeping my head down.

‘Don’t make eye contact. Don’t make eye contact.’ I kept thinking over and over.

I grabbed seed packages and shoved them into the racks as fast as my hands could go.  I think I set a World speed record.  As I shoved the last package of seeds back in its place, I said, “Thank you for your help.”  I kept my head down not wanting to make eye contact with the GS and spun to leave.

I made it two steps before I heard, “Dear, oh dear! You forgot your basket…”  I turned and saw that the GS had the basket clutched in her two claws.  In my haste to leave, I had forgotten it!

“I see you are picking out seeds,” the GS remarked as the lifted one the packages of parsley out of the basket.  She held it in front of her face and shook it.  The trick worked!  I looked up to see the source of the sound.  BAM!  Eye contact!

‘Crap! Eye contact! Bad KA! bad KA!’ I thought to myself and struggled to keep a calm face.

“Uh, thanks,” I blurted out.  “But,” was all of the second sentence I got out.

“Oh,” GS said, “I’d be happy to help you pick out some seeds for your garden.”

I got out an “Uhhhhhhh…” but in my mind I was screaming, ‘Nooooooooooooooo!’

The GS was in interrogation mode: “What size plot are you planning?  Do you know how many hours of sunlight you get? How much sun do you get?  What is the history of your soil?  What type of soil are you using?  Do you farm you own worms? What type of fertilizer do you use?”

She went on and on and on and on.  Honestly most of it was the constant “bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz” in my ear the entire time she talked.

When she came up for a breath I tried, “Thanks but no thanks.  I’ll just take my basket and be on way.”

“Well, you know,” she confided in me, “I know enough about ALLLL of this stuff to work here…”  She shook her head and looked over her kingdom.  “In fact, I know enough to OWN this place.”  She looked down at me, her captive and said, “Come along dear, this is going to take a while…” She turned and clicked at me to follow.

I didn’t know what to do…  During my interrogation a small crowd had gathered at the head of the aisle.  I was being observed by them.  They were parents of my students and community members.  I was clearly the ‘designated sacrifice’ to the GS.  I saw it in all of their faces.  I was expected to distract the GS long enough for them to complete their shopping.  If I didn’t handle this properly, it may be my ruin!  “Damn it,” I sighed as I followed GS down the aisle.

‘I am not going to let this happen,’ I thought.  ‘I don’t have time for this… I am going to get that basket back and tell GS where she can put it,’ I thought as I marched up behind GS.  I did get my basket back and shopping done…  But that’s next week story.  – KA

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