Posted by: kerryannekay | March 2, 2018

The Washer Machine is Dead – Part 5

“I need a new washer machine,” I said to the lady at the fourth store I visited.

“I would be more than happy to help you,” Barb, the sales lady, said back to me.  “What type do you want?”

“A top loader,” I said plainly.  I then added, “That one…” as I pointed at the washer I wanted.

“Oh,” Barb exclaimed in surprise “That was a quick decision.”

“Yes,” I sighed, “I’ve been to three stores now.  You’re the fourth… I wasn’t impressed.” I casually explained.

“Oh?” Barb asked as she lead me over to her ‘desk’ in the middle of the department.

“Well, at the first store, the lady almost passed out,” I explained.

“Almost passed out?” Barb asked as she stopped typing on her computer.

“Yeah,” I said, “She had the flu or something and misunderstood what I told her.  She thought I had drowned my pets in the washer machine…”

“Ugh,” Barb remarked in sympathy.  “What kind of sick mind…” she started then stopped mid-sentence.

“The clerk at the second store told me that I should consult my husband before making such a large purchase,” I explained.

“Oh, my,” Barb remarked in clear disgust, “Like you can’t make those decisions for the house by yourself!  How did you react?”

“Well,” I sighed, “I told him that I didn’t need anyone else to tell me that clearly he didn’t deserve my commission…”

“True,” Barb sympathized with me.

“And the last store I was at was the same thing… Big macho guy telling me that I don’t know how to pick out a washer, giving me bad advice, asking about my husband, pointing me towards more machine than I need, you know, typical big box improvement store machismo,” I explained.

“Oh, I hate that,” Barb sympathized, “Like I can’t fix a sink just as well as they can!”

“I’m sure you can fix it better,” I assured her.

“I can.  And I do,” she added, “My caulk jobs are always neater than theirs.”

“I’d hire you on that alone,” I reassured her.

“Guys can never handle their caulk well,” she added.

“Well,” I muttered under my breath, “I know a couple that can…”

“We are still talking about repairs, right?” she asked.

“Perhaps,” I sly said.

Barb turned bright red and continued to type on her computer. “Uhh,” she said clearing her throat, “Will we be disposing of the old machine?”

“Yes.  It’s dead.  There may still be some water in it.  It died mid-wash,” I explained.  It may have some… left over wash stuff in it…”

“Left over?” she was clearly puzzled, “Like what?”

“Okay, I do a lot of pet laundry,” I started.

“Yes,” she said giving me a look.

“It’s all used towels,” I continued.  Barb nodded her head.  “That’s what killed the machine…the towels…”

“So, did you remove the towels?” Barb asked.

“Of course,” I said.

“Then what’s in there?” she hesitantly asked.

“Some of Fred and Lamont’s poop,” I said.  Her reaction to my statement was totally unexpected.

“Wait!” she let out, “You’re Fred and Lamont’s mom?!?! Oh my goodness!  Can I, oh my goodness!  I totally saw what those two did to your washer machine!  I mean, I totally saw that video on line!  Those bad boys!”

“Okay, yes, I’m Fred and Lamont’s mom,” I agreed.

“This machine will be able to handle them… er, their laundry.  Wow, those two can poop!” she excitedly told me.  She began typing on the computer.

“Uhmm?” I asked, “Is this a good machine I’m buying?  I mean, I think that’s what you said…”

“Oh, yea,” she exclaimed, “This is a great machine!  Can I have your address?”

“No,” I told her.

“How are supposed to know where to deliver it?” she asked me.

“OH, oh, ohhhh,” I let out, “Sure, sure…” I gave my address to her.

“Did you think I was going to stalk you?” Barb giggled.

“No, urhhh, perhaps,” I shyly admitted.

We talked about the boys for about a half an hour, I paid, and said my goodbyes.  As I was walking out she asked, “Oooo, oooo, does this mean I’m going to be famous?”

“Uhh,” I replied, “Define famous…” I asked with a giggle.

“In a blog?” she asked.

“Oh, yea,” I said turning away, “Those comments about caulk are priceless…”

My washer machine was delivered about two weeks ago.  I think I have managed to wash everything in the house three or four times.  It does an awesome job on the boys’ towels.  Don’t worry, I got the extended warranty; after all, we are talking about Fred and Lamont here… – KA



  1. Congratulations on your new washing machine. Smart move getting the extended warranty! Glad that the sales lady is a fan of the boys!

  2. Don’t let Fred & Lamont read this. They don’t need to know they are famous.

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