Fred has a small cyst on his butt next to his waxy spot. It’s not a big deal. Male guinea pigs tend to get them on their butt and around their waxy spot. When I was home for Thanksgiving break, I found the cyst and showed it to my mother. I was holding Fred and my sister was holding Lamont as we sat at the kitchen table…
“Oh, wonderful, Fred has a small cyst on his butt…” I sighed.
“Let me feel,” my mother asked as she reached for Fred’s butt. As she cupped and squeezed his backside Fred let out a loud squeal of protest. “Oh, shush!” my mother admonished him.
“And?” I asked.
“It’s a cyst…” she confirmed.
“What are you going to do?” my sister asked Lamont more than me.
“There’s nothing to do but watch it…” I said.
“Oh,” my sister sighed kissing Lamont on his head. “Who’s a big boy?” she asked him.
“Well,” my mom called from the sink, “hopefully it doesn’t make his butt any bigger.”
“Oy!” I said in protest. “Do not insult the ample and healthy backside of my lovely Fred.” I bent forward and kissed him on his head. Fred burred at me with contentment.
“You could say he has a bubble butt…” my sister called from across the table.
“I like big butts and I cannot lie…” my mother sang from the sink.
“MOM!” I said with the most scandalous voice I could muster.
“What?” she casually asked.
“Act your age!” I scaled her. “You are my mother!”
“You know,” my sister pondered out loud, “Fred has a big-bubble butt…”
“And you!” I turned on my sister…
“Fred has a big-bubble-bubba-butt…” my mom giggled from the sink.
“Fred’s got a big-butt, a big-bubble-butt, a big-big-bubble-bubba-butt,” my sister sang joyfully.
“That’s not funny,” I sighed holding my hand over Fred’s ear’s to protect him from the insults.
“Oh!” my mom declared as she turned from the sink with obvious inspiration, “I like Fred’s big-bubba-butt, and I cannot lie!” she sang doing a small dance.
“Oh, my god!” I sighed and buried my head in Fred’s fur in embarrassment.
“OH!,” my sister declared mirroring my mother’s enthusiasm. “Let’s give it a name and write it a song! We already have the chorus!” She than sang, “Fred has a big-big-bubble-bubba-butt, oh, yea! Fred has a big-big-bubble-bubba-butt!” I just kept my face buried in Fred’s fur and groaned.
“George!” my sister called.
“No,” my mom said, “that’s not a good name… Cindy?”
“You want to give something on a male guinea pig’s butt a female name?” I asked from behind Fred’s fur. I was ignored.
“Drake?” my sister offered.
“What kind of name is that?” my mother said. “How about Abe?”
My sister laughed out, “Marleen!” The names came fast…
“Oh,” my mother declared. “That’s it! BUBBA!”
“Yes!” my sister agreed. “Bubba!”
I lifted my head from Fred’s fur. “BUBBA?” I gasped. “What kinda name is that?” Fred started wheeking in my arms.
“Fred likes it,” my sister pointed out.
“Mom just opened the refrigerator door! He’s hungry!” I told her.
“He just ate,” my mom called from the fridge.
“I’ll tell you the legend of the black hole that resides in all guinea pig bellies when I tuck you both into bed tonight.” I sarcastically replied. Just then my dad walked into the room.
My mom declared, “We just named Fred’s cyst ‘Bubba’.”
“Ok,” my dad said and then backtracked, “Wait… Fred has a cyst and you named it Bubba?”
“Yes!” I hissed from the kitchen table, “they did!”
“Is he ok?” my dad asked me.
“Fine,” I said shifting the squirmy Fred. “I’m going to put Fred back. We’ve had enough…”
My dad giggled at me. “They’ve been torturing you?” he asked. I just shook my head in acknowledgement. I stood up and began to walk towards the bedroom and the boys’ cage.
“AUGHHHHH!” my sister yelled from the kitchen. I heard her get up and start to trot towards the bedroom. “Lamont peed on me,” she declared holding him at arm’s length.
“He’s not loaded anymore…” I giggled as she put Lamont in the cage with Fred.
“Not funny,” she said pulling her soaked tee shirt away from chest.
“It’s hilarious…” I told her as I walked past. “He was defending his brother…” After a dramatic pause, I added, “You don’t mess with brothers…
Unfortunately, the name ‘Bubba’ for Fred’s cyst has stuck. Even Fred calls it Bubba. The boys have their routine six-month checkup in February. I’m going to put operation “Kill Bubba” into action at the vet’s office. I can’t stand that cyst… Worse, I can’t stand its name…