Fred and Lamont had their six month healthy guinea pig check up on Saturday. They did very well but were a bit squirmy for the vet. After the vet, we visited a boarding place where Fred and Lamont will vacation when I’m away. Again, the boys were good but, a bit noisy. I had two nice and positive experiences with the boys so, I decided to take them to the pet store. Three was not our number.
I went to an unnamed pet store with the boys. I got a cart and put the carrier into the seat of the cart. Lamont started as soon as the glass doors slid open. He let out the loudest wheek I’ve ever heard, “WHEEEEEEEEEEEK!” Lamont was soo loud that several people turned to look at me. As they stared, the carrier began to move. I whispered, “Crud,” as I looked into the carrier.
I heard one young boy ask his mother “…is there a sick baby in there?”
As I peered through the front, Lamont sprinted to the front of the carrier and bumped into the bars. Fred was hot on his tail. Lamont let out another loud, “WHEEEEEEEEEEEK!” in my face.
“Oh, boy,” I sighed and opened the carrier door. Lamont literally jumped into my arms. “Whoa, dude!” I gasped as I caught him midair.
“Nice catch!” someone commented from behind me. I juggled Lamont into the crook of my left arm and reclosed the carrier with my right hand.
“Please behave yourself,” I whispered to Lamont as I started pushing the cart towards the ‘small pet’ section. We made it several feet into the aisle, oddly enough, right next to the hay section. Just then Fred started running laps in the carrier. “Woa!” I said steadying the carrier with the right arm before it could tip over in the cart seat. Fred would not stop running laps. We had to pull over right there in the middle of the aisle.
I parked the cart and reached in to open the carrier door. Fred charged out from the back of the cage and into the cart seat. “HEY!” I yelled and scooped him up with my right arm. Lamont squirmed when I shifted with Fred’s rather bulky weight. “OY!” I yelled, “Cut it out you two…”
Now, picture this situation: Me standing in an aisle next to a cart with a rather large carrier holding Lamont in the left arm and Fred in the right arm. And on top of that, I was literally stuck. I couldn’t push my cart. I couldn’t grab the carrier. I couldn’t open the carrier door enough to shove a guinea pig in. I couldn’t even move too fast without the boys squirming.
I stood there totally baffled by my situation.
Several people walked by and giggled at me. All I could do was stand there. But, I couldn’t stand there. So, I tried the only thing that I could to complete my shopping trip… I started to try to push my cart with my stomach. That worked for about two feet before I went off the road and into the shelves.
I didn’t think that I ran into the shelves THAT hard. But, I did… A cascade of small animal products cascaded off the shelves and everywhere. “Ohhhhhh, crap,” I let out as small toys rolled across the floor. People immediately turned and walked away. I was left alone with Fred and Lamont and the large mess in the small pet aisle. It couldn’t get worse… Right?
Oh, but it did get worse. The inevitable overhead announcement came, “Clean up in the small pet aisle…” I felt my face get hot with embarrassment. On queue four employees entered the aisle. I couldn’t blame someone else for the large mess. So, I blamed Fred and Lamont. “My guinea pigs did it!” I blurted out to the nearest employee. “I swear, it was them!” I added.
The employee walked up to me and offered to take a guinea pig by offering her hands. “Here,” I said turning over Fred.
She leaned down to Lamont, “So, you and your brother caused this?” she asked. Lamont cooed at her. “And you?” she asked Fred’s head.
“It was them…I’m so sorry…Maybe the shelves are defective…” I stuttered.
“Don’t worry,” she said. “We were about to go off duty…” I gaped in disbelief. “This is just some easy overtime…” she added reassuringly.
“Seriously, I am sorry…” I whispered again. As I turned, I saw that the other three employees were working quickly to clean up my mess.
“You want me to help you get your items?” she asked me.
“Sure,” I sighed. “I’m sure you want to get me out of here as soon as you can…”
“No way,” she laughed. “I’m holding this handsome boy…”
“Fred,” I pipped in.
“And?” she asked.
“Lamont…” I finished.
To her credit, Fred really liked being carried around by the employee. She was very polite and kind to both boys and me while I finished some light shopping. At the register I put the boys’ carrier down on the belt. I loaded Lamont and then Fred. I thanked the employee who helped me and wished her a good day. After my items were rung up, the cashier asked me if I wanted to make a donation to pets in need. She pointed out the collection bin at the register. “Well,” I sighed, “I don’t think they will fit…”
“Excuse me?” she asked me.
“You don’t want my guinea pigs?” I joked.
“Uhhhh,” the lady stammered.
I let her off the hook. “I’m just joking,” I giggled. “They caused the huge cleanup in the small pet aisle….” I let the words hang in the air.
The cashier looked into the cage. “Those two small things caused that huge mess?” she said in amazement.
“Yeup,” I confirmed.
“Wow!” she said and finished my transaction. “Who would have thought…” We left the store and headed home.
WHAT? You don’t approve of me blaming the boys for the huge mess in the pet store? It was their fault! If they didn’t bicker then, I wouldn’t have to hold both of them. AND if I wasn’t holding both of them then, I wouldn’t have to push the cart with my stomach. AND if I wasn’t pushing the cart with my stomach then, the cart wouldn’t have bumped into the shelf. AND if the cart didn’t bump into the shelf then, there wouldn’t be a huge mess. So, by the rules of logic, it was their fault. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it!