I’ve had several scares in the past during the night time with Alfalfa and his noises. There was the paper shredding incident where I thought I was going to die. Then there was the storage bag incident where I really thought I was going to die, again. No, I am not a wimp or crazy. I’ve just got a vivid imagination at 3 am… Who doesn’t? But, I never expected to have a near-death experience with Fred and Lamont.
I woke up the other day at about 3 am to use the lady’s room. After I was done, I got back in bed to go back to sleep. The house was silent. As I drifted off I heard an odd scraping sound. My mind went back to when Alfalfa used to shred paper. “Boys,” I yawned, “cut it out…” and rolled over to go back to bed. As I drifted off, the noise came again. My mind wandered between doom and guinea pigs shredding paper tending to stay more in the landscape of doom than anywhere else.
Then I heard Lamont calling. He was whimpering because something was scaring him. I had to get up and check on the boys. I turned over and turned on the light. “Ok,” I yawned, “I’m invoking ‘Rule Four’. Rule Four clearly states: ‘You shall not wake up the mom between the hours of 9 pm and 6 am, 8 am on the weekend, unless someone is going to die!’” I got out of bed warning, “Someone must be in the process of dying if I’m up…”
I walked over to Fred and Lamont’s area. Fred was stretched out on top of a cozy and Lamont was in another. “What seem to be the problem, gentleman,” I asked. Fred huffed at me. I had disturbed his beauty sleep. All I saw was Lamont’s butt sticking out of the open side of his cozy. “Mont?” I called. In response a set of legs came out from under his body as he settled into ‘flat pig’ mode. “Yeah,” I sighed, “I can really see that you two are in dire need of an intervention. Obviously you’ve thwarted any would-be intruders with your guinea pig karate, got settled back in, and fallen asleep by the time I walked from my bed to the living room…” I sighed and looked at my two peaceful boys. “I’m going back to bed,” I yawned, “Rule Four is still standing.”
I went back to bed, turned off the light, and got settled. As I was drifting off, I heard the odd scraping noise again. This time it seemed like the noise was coming from my apartment door. At that realization, I was immediately awake. “Bleep, bleep, bleep, crud, bleep,” I whispered under my breath. Then I thought, ‘Is someone trying to break in?’
Now, at this point I feel the need to pause this story and explain myself. I am not crazy. I am the victim of my own mind. I have a very active imagination…at 3 am. I can’t help it if things keep trying to kill me early in the morning and I keep hearing them approach. Just so you know, I’m not crazy…I’m not…
Where was I? Oh, that’s right, someone was trying to break in and kill me, yet again. So, I heard the noise coming from my door. I lay in bed frozen. Multiple questions passed through my mind: ‘Do I need to get up and save my guinea pigs?’ ‘Should I call 911?’ ‘Should I hide in the bathroom?’ The bathroom idea was the most feasible for my situation at 2 am. I would hide. But then the guilt hit me. I thought, ‘What about my boys?’
I called in a loud whisper, “Fred? Mont? You two ok?” There was no response. “Ok,” I called again, “I’m going to hide in the bathroom… You two defend the apartment…” Again, there was no response. ‘What the heck is the point in having TWO guinea pigs if they won’t protect me?’ I lamented.
I sighed when I realized that Fred and Lamont were not going defend the castle. They didn’t have the same fervor for chaos as Alfalfa. I had to face my fears and face the noise. ‘Crap! Bleep! Bleep! Bleep!’ ran though my head. I got up very slowly and turned on the light. I was half expecting there to be an intruder next to my bed ready to stab me. An empty bedroom greeted my eyes.
I sat frozen on the edge of my bed ready to spring forth and defend myself. The apartment was quiet…dead quiet. The noise started again. It WAS coming from the door. ‘I’ve got to make it to the kitchen…for a knife!’ I thought as I took several steps. “Scratch, scratch, scratch,” went the offensive sound. I did what came naturally…I froze.
I turned towards the sound expecting to see a would-be ninja-robber-thug-intruder-assassin standing next to my door waiting to kill me. All saw was Fred standing with his butt up against the bottom of the door. “Dude,” I call in a stage whisper, “Get away from there! Someone’s trying to break in and kill us all!”
Fred huffed at me and started to rub his butt on the door. The scraping noise came. I stood there dumbfounded. I asked, “Was that you?” Stepping cautiously closer I saw that Fred’s butt was hitting the under door draft stopper. The draft stopper was moving causing the noise that had caused me so much consternation. “Fred…” I sighed with expiration. I added, “All of this over a butt-rub?”
Fred turned around and sniffed the area he had just been rubbing with his waxy spot. “Yea,” I said, “You marked it good.” Fred popcorned in response to my compliment. At the sound of my voice, Lamont came trotting out. His eyes were crazy and he was trotting happily. He was in full ‘give me a snack now’ mode. I sighed again and went to the fridge to grab some romaine lettuce for the boys.
I left the boys happily munching in their cage as I returned to bed. The crisis was averted. I should have known better that there is nothing that goes bump in the night. I should have known that it was my boys causing the noise. As I lay back down I heard the boys munching on their lettuce. As I fell back to sleep one thought crossed my mind: ‘Wow, I am such an idiot…’