Fred and Lamont have been home since August. The boys have adjusted well and their personalities have started to really show. But there is one thing I didn’t count on when adopting the boys… and it stinks.
Let me start off by staying Fred and Lamont have a good diet with non-gas causing foods. I follow the diet recommendations from mgpr.org and guinealinx.org very closely. However, Fred farts…a lot… “Fart?!?” you ask. Yes, guinea pigs can fart. And oh, boy, that guinea pig can clear the room…fast.
I can always tell when Fred has farted before I can smell the noxious odor. Lamont will hide from him and start this specific type of whine. I have had to go and brave the odor in order to rescue Lamont. During these situations, I go in low and with my nose pinched. I will scoop up Lamont with one arm and evacuate to the far end of the room. Lamont is not the most cuddly pig, but when I rescue him, he always show his gratitude with piggy kisses. He knows I’ve just rescued him from the battle field.
As long as guinea pigs don’t fart a lot or have gas, it’s OK. I got concerned when Fred was producing room clearing farts about once a week. So, when the boys went in for their healthy pig checkup I asked the vet about Fred’s noxious emissions. She did a thorough examination and declared, “He has stinky farts…”
“How do we get this to stop?” I pleaded. Then continued, “He’s gassing out Lamont… I mean I’m even gagging when the fumes hit me across the room!”
She thought hard for several seconds. Then told me, “Well, his diet is fine… Some guinea pigs just have stinky farts…”
I didn’t like that explanation. I declared, “If I wanted a high-volume-methane-producing-herbivore, I would have adopted a cow…”
The vet laughed at me and said, “Nope. Fred just has stinky farts… You could try to eliminate things from his diet and see if that helps. But, I think it’s just him. He’s a fart-y-pig.”
“Is that a technical term?” I asked, “Fart-y-pig?”
The vet corrected herself, “Vere producendo malus odor Guinea porcum…”
“What’s that?” I asked with a giggle.
She said, “In Latin, ‘really bad odor producing guinea pig’… or I could put it like, ‘pedere Guinea porcum…’”
“Wait,” I said, “let me guess, ‘farting guinea pig?’”
“Bingo!” she giggled.
“Ok,” I sighed, “I’ll figure out a way to clear the air when he does it.”
“Ah,” the vet said, “no air sprays or air fresheners…it’s bad for their lungs…”
“Oh, I know…” I sighed, “I was more thinking of a lot of candles…”
“That will work,” she smiled. Both Fred and Lamont were declared healthy and happy guinea pigs. I shook the vet’s hand and thanked her for her time.
I packed up the boys and went out to the waiting room with the boys. The employees at the front desk greeted my entrance from the exam room areas by starting to sing the “Sanford and Son” theme song from the seventies.
I love Fred and Lamont’s vet. I love Fred and Lamont. Fred farts? Not so much…