At the end of this summer, I purchased the best product ever to store my summer clothes. They were called “Space Bags”. The bags were advertised as ‘space savers’. You load you clothes or other items into it, seal it, and then vacuum out the air. Easy.
The day I got the Space Bags, I packed up 99% of my summer clothes into them, sealed it, and vacuumed out the air. I had these three flat bags that were about one-half of their original size. I just needed a place to store them. I decided the best place to put the Space Bags was under my bed in its ‘storage area’. Summer clothing stored, space saved, and it was all easy. Out of sight; out of mind.
*Fast Forward to December*
I was sleeping on Saturday morning when I heard a loud rustling coming from under my bed. “Alfalfa,” I moaned as I rolled over trying hard to get comfortable again. The noise continued. It sounded like Alfalfa was chewing on something loudly. ‘Crap,’ I thought reaching over to turn on the light. He must have heard me move because the noise stopped. “Good boy,” I said drifting off again.
As I drifted off to la-la land, I heard a hissing noise. I listened through the fog of sleep and it continued “Hissssssssssss…” ‘Snake,’ my brain told my body. My body said, ‘Go back to bed, you’re hearing things…’ Then my adrenaline system kicked in and yelled, ‘SNAKE!’ The body and brain were jolted into action. I sat bolt upright in my bed frozen in terror. “Hissssssssss,” went my unwelcome guest.
“Holy *insert expletive* *insert expletive*,” I whispered. “What the *insert expletive* is that?” It didn’t sound like Alfalfa’s usual hiss. I whispered yelled, “Alfalfaaaa?” to the dark room. But the hissing continued unabated. The noise had me scared to death. I had to do something. AND I had to see what I was dealing with before I did something. I shifted to reach for the light. The hissing got louder. I froze in terror. All I could think was, ‘I’m goina’ die…’
I sat listening to the hissing noise for several more moments before I was brave enough to continue reaching out for the bedside lamp. Again, my shift in weight caused the hissing noise to change in pitch and grow even louder. I quickly inhaled and held my breath. I froze in place again. Thousands of thoughts ran through my mind. Many of those thoughts started and ended with, ‘I’m goina’ die…’
Then, as soon as the noise had started, it stopped. Silence fell over the room. The room was now dark and silent. ‘Wonderful, just what I needed.’ I thought. I sat frozen for several more moments. My arm was growing tired. I had to do something. I finished reaching out and turned on the light. *click* The room was illuminated but still silent. I sat listening to nothing.
I decided that my fears were stupid. There was no snake in my apartment. Right? Besides, if there was something here I had to find it…soon. I stood up in bed and began to shake the blankets out hoping upon hope that I would not shake out anything. Nothing fell from the folds of blankets. As I piled the cover back up into the corner of the bed by the wall, I looked down and saw the bed skirt move. “Whaaa?” I gasped. ‘There is something under my bed!’ I thought. ‘But, is that Alfalfa or something else?’ I wondered to myself.
The silence in the room continued. I plotted in my mind the best way to check under the bed as I stood there staring down at the bed skirt. I was watching to see if something to popped out. Would Alfalfa just come prancing out? What if it was not Alfalfa? What would I do? Yell at the thing? Tell it to go away? Give it a look of disapproval? No, none of that would work. I needed protection.
I readjusted my balance and felt something on the back of my foot. “AUGGGHHHH!” I yelled and jumped off of the bed. I landed hard on my feed with a loud thud. I whipped around to face my advisory. “What the?” I said through gasps of breath. Nothing was on the bed. Then, a black shape popped out from under the bed skirt and streaked towards the living room. I was taken by surprise and yelled, “Crap!” I froze again. It took every fiber of my being not to bolt for the bathroom. After several deep breaths I looked and saw Alfalfa in the living room. He was the black streak that had run past me.
“Alfalfa? Alfalfa! I thought you were a snake. Was that noise all you?” I asked in disbelief. “Was that you hissing at me?” Alfalfa gave me the “what are you going crazy, again” look. “No,” I said looking at the bed skirt, “that wasn’t you. But what was it?” I decided not to take any chances. I went to the kitchen and got my spatula. It would protect me.
I tip-toed over to the bed as quietly as I could. I lifted the bed skirt using my implement of destruction. Nothing popped out; nothing attacked me; in fact, nothing happened. “What the?” I asked the air and got on my knees to see what causing the noise from under the bed. I tucked the bed skirt up under the bed frame. There was nothing there. Alfalfa trotted past me and walked into his area under the bed. “Well,” I sniffed, “Excuse me. I’m just trying to ensure your safety and happiness…” Alfalfa sniffed at me and began to chew on the Space Bag stored under the bed near his area.
It hit me all at once. “Oh, my God!” I said flabbergasted, “That noise was the damn Space Bag inflating because YOU bit a hole in it!” I went from being afraid to being furious, “Alfalfa Pig!” I said in scorn. Of course the devil didn’t respond to me. I pulled the bed skirt from out of the frame and let it drop into place.
It was the Space Bags all along making that noise. They are advertised as being dust, dirt, water, and bug proof. But that company had never pitted them against Alfalfa. He had chewed a small hole in it. The contents were under vacuum. The air entering the bag made this hissing noise I mistook for a snake. Each time I shifted the air hole in the bag changed and caused the pitch to change.
“I’m such an idol,” I said out loud to the apartment, “Snake? HA!” I yawned remembering the time. It was three in the morning. I had to go back to bed. I rearranged my covers and got in. As I lay down I noticed that there was something wrong with the bed. The head of the bed was too high. The decompressed bag was taking up twice the space now and had raised the head of the bed. I couldn’t sleep like this. I had to fix this now or sleep on the couch. “ALFALFA!” I yelled.