Stress. We all know it and have it. Different people react differently to stress in different ways. Some run, some read, some go out and shop… Me? I like to sit and relax in the tub. One evening after school I drew myself a hot bath with lots of fragrant bath salts and settled in for a long relaxing soak.
I think I was in the tub for five minutes before I saw a small nose pop through the crack in the slightly ajar door. It was Alfalfa. I suppose he must have smelled the bath salts and come to investigate. Alfalfa used his nose to push open the door just enough to squeeze into the bathroom.
“Dude,” I called from the tub, “close the door, you’re letting the heat out…there’s a draft…” I knew well enough that my silly guinea pig was not going to close the door but it was worth a try. Stranger things have happened. Alfalfa started sniffing around the bathroom. It was unusual for him to be in there but not unprecedented.
I laid back and relaxed. I closed my eyes and concentrated on letting the stress of the day melt away, melt off into the water, float away… “WHEEEK!” screamed Alfalfa from right next to the tub. “Crap!” I yelled and sat up startled. My motion threw a wave of water forward and over the rim of my rather shallow tub. Splash!
“What the hell?” I said turning to see Alfalfa’s rear-end squeezing out the open door where it had come from in the first place. Looking down I saw that there was water everywhere. I sighed and got up to clean up the mess. Throwing a towel around me, I got out of the tub, got the mop, and did my best to dry the puddle on the floor. The task finished, I went to get back into the tub. Of course, it was cold.
I drained the tub a bit and added some more hot water. I was going to take this bath and feel relaxed, damn it! As the tub was filling, I got out the bath salts from under the sink and added more to the hot water. When the tub was refilled, I got in and resumed my de-stressing.
It worked. Five minutes later I was relaxed and it felt like I was floating.
CRASH! “Wheeeeek!” Again, I sat up to quickly, creating a mini tsunami in my tub, and threw water on the floor. “WHAT THE HELL?!?” I yelled truly scared. I looked and saw that my bath salts jar had been knocked out of the OPEN sink cabinet onto the floor. There was water, bath salts, and broken glass on the floor. “ALFALFA PIG!” I yelled in to the space previously occupied by my bad guinea pig.
I had to get up out of the bath and mop the floor…again. To make matters worse, the bath salts were dissolving in the water making a huge smelly mess. In moderation, the stuff smelled great, but now, my nose was drowning in their smell. So, I got out of the tub and threw on my towel, and mopped up the floor around the melting bath salts. Then I had to go the kitchen to get the pan and broom.
Alfalfa was waiting for me in the living room. He squeaked and squeaked. When I looked down, I saw that he had dragged a trail of bath salts out of the bathroom and all the way through the living room. “Dude!” I said. In addition to that mess, he shook sending bath salts all over the living room. “DUDE!” I yelled. He was still partially covered in them. “How the hell did you manage that one?” I asked walking toward him. He ran clearly not in the mood to answer my questions. I knew I had to catch him and give him a bath to get rid of those bath salts. “Come here!” I scolded the outline of a guinea pig in the bed skirt.
I reached down and he ran. In the process, I lost my towel. So, there I was butt naked in the middle of my living room, cold, with a huge mess in the bathroom, a trail of bath salts on my carpet, and a bath salt crusted guinea pig on the loose. “THIS IS NOT MY RELAXING BATH!” I yelled. I grabbed my towel off of the floor and went after my rouge pig.
I managed to catch him, get him cleaned off in MY bath, and relativity dry. Then I cleaned the floor of the pile of mushed bath salts. I quickly vacuumed most of the bath salts out of the rug in the living room. Finally, I was ready to back into the bath.
I drained the guinea pig contaminated water. As I turned the water back on I heard Alfalfa making a noise in the living room and came to one conclusion: That menace to all fur-kind is not going to give me enough time to take a bath. I sighed and turned on the shower… It would have to do…
** Next week Alfalfa has agreed to do an “Ask Alfalfa”. So if you have any questions for him, please leave them below or on Facebook!