To: GP Manufacturing Company
From: Kerry Anne Kay
April 24, 213
I am writing this letter to complain about a product that I received from your company. I have a life-time warranty on the product and have included a copy of the certificate of ownership and warranty for your inspection.
When I received the unit, I was given an estimate on the cost of ownership per month of operation. The cost for my unit has far exceeded the estimated cost of ownership provided by your company. In fact, I have calculated the cost for running the unit for an average month. It is operating at 300% over estimated cost. That is outrageous. The other issue with the operating cost of the unit is the type of energy pellets it is willing to accept. The unit is supposed to receive the mid to low grade energy pellets without any issues. However, this current unit will only actively accept high grade energy pellets. I have attempted to adjust the energy receiving unit several times to no avail.
Another major issue with the unit is the energy unit input to spent energy pellet output ratio. The unit seems to expel more used pellets than it receives. It is a mystery how the unit can receive 30 units of energy pellets and expel 90 used pellets. The energy input area is not safe for human fingers. Quite often the unit will close on my finger or toe drawing blood. I have tried to prevent this by providing extra energy input pellets for the device. It did not work. This unit is a hazard to anyone that tries to give it energy input pellets.
Third, I was informed that the unit would only expel solid waste products. However, my unit has begun to leak a yellowish-clear fluid occasionally. The location of leakage always seems to be someplace that is quite incontinent for cleanup. Speaking of inconvenience, the unit will recharge in areas that are not appropriate. It spends time under the bed or in a small house I have provided. This is a very rude thing to do while I am home. It seems prefers these areas over me. I got the unit in hopes of having a new companion around the house. However, the unit has provided very little companionship.
The maintenance on this unit has been very difficult. The unit will not come on command as described in your initial information pamphlet. If I call the unit, it tends to run in the opposite direction from me. When I attempt to adjust the unit’s traction system, it will not hold still. In fact, most times, the unit’s energy input device will close around one of my fingers drawing blood when I attempt to make this routine adjustment. Cleaning the unit’s sonic input sensory system is even worse. It will not tolerate that maintenance. Speaking of cleaning, the unit tends to acquire a foul odor very quickly. I will attempt to clean it by soaking it in water and a mild detergent. The unit reacts in a hurky-jerky fashion. This leads me to believe that the unit is not fully waterproof as described in your advertisements. I believe that there is water entering the unit causing a short circuit.
Then there is the issue of the sonic output device. There is no volume control on the unit to turn down or off the alarm system. The alarm will go off for no apparent reason. I have the unit set to silent at night. That particular setting fails constantly on the unit. It sets itself off at random hours when I am sleeping. I have to say it is quite annoying to be woken up at 4 am because the unit perceives it is low on energy input pellets. This is never the case. I am very fastidious about keeping the unit’s energy input pellet dispenser up to date and full.
The final reason I am returning this unit to you is its inability to interact with most humans. It will set off its alarm or retreat to a recharging area when I have guests over. I obtained the unit with the expectation that it would help entertain my guests. It refuses to entertain or even show its self when guests are present. My guests have attempted to give it energy input pellets only to have the energy input areas close around their fingers. I will not keep a unit that may be a hazard for my guest.
To summarize, I have enclosed the unit, a copy of the certificate of ownership, and warranty for your inspection. I except a full refund or a brand new unit immediately. The new unit should not have any defects I have described or otherwise. Please feel free to contact me at: https://kerryannekay.wordpress.com/ or https://www.facebook.com/AlfalfasAdventures if you have any questions. Thank you for your time and consideration in this matter.
Kerry Anne Kay
P.S. – The unit’s original programming code was called “Buckley”. I have since installed an updated version of the software called “Alfalfa”.
Author’s note: Guinea pigs are not products. They are a huge responsibility. This is meant as a silly commentary on some of the stuff Alfalfa does. Do not take it any other way… I’m not planning on retiring him. I love and cherish him.