Posted by: kerryannekay | January 30, 2013

Alfalfa’s Black Hole

On Monday, I had a snow day and I was home from school.  I decided to do some cleaning around the house.  I vacuumed, wiped, and generally walked around making dust disappear.  I got to Alfalfa’s area under the bed.  When I pulled his trays out, he was not happy.  When I pulled up the bed skirt and tuck it under the mattress, he was even unhappier.  He chattered his teeth at me as I started to pull the mats out and vacuum.

He was in a full blown hissy fit by the time I saw the opening.  Alfalfa had managed to push a box out of his way and create a space between the wall and the box.  I had found his secret hiding spot!  “HA!” I said turning to my angrily dancing pig, “I’ve got you now!”  I reached into the darkness without thinking and grabbed something I could not identify.  “Yuck!” I yelled pulling my hand back out.  “I don’t even want to know what that is!” I said to my bad boy.  He continued to chatter at me.

I went over to the sink and washed my hand.  When I got back to the bed, Alfalfa was gone.  I looked under the bed with the flashlight and saw him sitting, facing out, ready to attack.  “Dude, come on…” was all I could say.  I sighed and got up.  I knew better than to stick my hand into the face of an angry guinea pig protecting his area…  So, I thought, ‘Food!’ that would be my way to get him out.  So, I prepared Alfalfa a second breakfast.  The noise of the preparation was enough to get him from under the bed and at my heals.  Even better, his mood was improving.  I walked over to his rug area and placed his food down.  Alfalfa didn’t question why he was getting more food.  He just ate.

I got back to cleaning…this time with a flashlight.  I saw several things in Alfalfa’s secret area.  Here is the list:

"Hey mom...booo!" - A

“Hey mom…booo!” – A

1) A chewed up brown button.

Ok, yes, he likes to chew on things.  So, this was not an odd thing to see.

2) A gum wrapper.

3) Four paperclips.

I stopped and stuck my head out to admonish my guinea pig.  “Seriously?” I asked him not expecting an answer.  “Paperclips?”

4) My gold earring.

“Alfafla!” I yelled from under the bed.  “I’ve been looking for this for months!”

5) A bunch of shredded paper.

6) Hair.

I backed out with my earring, paper, and hair.  Alfalfa was standing near the bed.  “Ok,” I said to him, “This hair collecting thing is nasty…just so you know.”  I dumped the garbage in the bag and went back to work.

7) An old french-fry.

I giggled at that find.  It had one bite out of it.  He must have tried it and decide that he did not like it.

8) The missing BOW!

I was so excited to find the bow that I had tried to use for a picture.  I back out of the bed and immediately put in my jewelry box.  I went back under the bed.  I wound up face to face with Alfalfa.  “Aughhh!” I yelled and jumped.  I smacked my head on the metal frame of the bed.  Alfalfa startled when I yelled and ran past my face.  I laid on the floor half laughing and half crying.  I was in pain and slightly humiliated…again.  I managed to fell my head and had a small bump.  It was nothing major.

"Alfalfa's waxy spot pre butt-bath..."

“Alfalfa’s waxy spot pre butt-bath…”

I went back to searching the area with my flashlight.  There was nothing left.  Then I saw the black streak along the wall.  ‘What the hell is that?’ I thought.  I reached out to touch it.  It was waxy.  I realized what it was.  Alfalfa was rubbing his butt wax along the wall to mark.  “Alfalfa!” I yelled from under the bed.  “Are you serious?  That is nasty!”  I continued to complain as I back out from under the bed.

“DUDE!” I yelled once I was out from under the bed.  Alfalfa trotted over to me.  “Ok, dude,” I said a bit more calmly.  “If you don’t stop marking under the bed on the wall, I’m going to give you more frequent butt-baths!”  Alfalfa jumped back from me and started to chatter his teeth at me.  “You heard me right, butt-baths…”  He jumped back again at the words “butt-bath”.  “So, don’t do it.”  Alfalfa huffed at me.  “I’ll take your word with that…”

I got the paint scrapper, paper towels, and bleach to clean the area.  I went back under the bed and scrapped Alfalfa’s butt wax off of the wall.  Then I sprayed it with bleach and scrubbed with the paper towels.  It came relatively clean.  “Well,” I sighed, “It’s good enough…besides no one but me knows it’s here…”  I back out from the bed and saw Alfalfa run under the bed.  I took the flashlight and looked for him.  He was rubbing his butt against the wall leaving a black mark in his wake.  “ALFALFA!” was all I could yell.  He darted past me.  That was it!  That was all I could take.  I went after him.  He was going to get a butt-bath whether he wanted it or not…

After five minutes of trying to catch the bratt I gave up.  I was out of breath and so was he.  “Ok, Ok, Ok,” I conceded.  “It’s under the bed.  Only you and I know about it… It will be our secret…”  Alfalfa darted under the bed.

Alfalfa: 4
Kerry Anne: 1



  1. Way to go in keeping your servant in shape, Alfalfa!
    She’s so lucky to have such a caring master.

    • He is a pain! Who else would scrape boar grease off of a wall. I can’t believe he did that. Thanks for your comment and support. – Kerry Anne

  2. Try totally cleaning the wall, then covering the area he marks with self adhesive, washable paper like contact paper. That way, when it gets too nasty, just tear off that paper and replace it with fresh paper. A will never know the difference, if you don’t tell him 🙂

    • That’s a great idea! I’ll do it! Thanks for your comment and support. – Kerry Anne

  3. What a talented peeg. Perhaps Alfalfa should go into the candle making business!

    • Yes. There might be enough butt-wax for that under my bed. And them we have his ear wax… Yuck! Thank you for your comment and support. – Kerry Anne

  4. I can’t believe he didn’t drag a sock under there!
    Long ago, I had a friend whose pet rat burrowed into her box springs and made a lovely little nest with houseplant leaves and other less savory items. Just a heads up!
    If alfalfa was mine, I’d go over to Costco and pick up a variety of boxes including a big, low one, that table grapes come in. I’d line the big box with a couple big paper bags, make a couple huts of the smaller boxes, set them in the big box, shove it way under there and let him have at it. Discard and repeat.

    • I left out the sock part. No one wants to hear about Alfalfa juice on a sock. The box thing is a good idea. I may try it. Thanks for your connect and support. – Kerry Anne

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