Posted by: kerryannekay | November 28, 2012

Gopher Pig

"I'm in the hay!" - A

“I’m in the hay!” – A

With the news of Alfalfa’s health issues this week, I was very tempted to pour out my emotions on this page.  And right now, that would be very depressing.  But that is not what this blog is about.  It is about love, life, and a guinea pig that breaks all of the rules.  So, I have decided to continue to write about his crazy antics and my useless fight to make him behave.  Oh, trust me, he still is as bad as ever.  And giving a wild, pig-headed, independent, free-ranging, pain in the butt guinea pig medicine is a new challenge I never wanted…

Alfalfa seems to sense when I want to give him his medication.  He runs and hides in anticipation of the event.  The past several nights I have searched for him around the apartment for five minutes.  He normally does not enter the kitchen, but Monday night he made an exception.  He ran from me and hid behind the trash can.  I caught him trying to squeeze his oversized butt in an undersized space between the oven and wall.  I moved the garbage can to observe the frantic butt wedging attempt.  As a physics teacher, I accept certain laws of physics as fact.  Alfalfa was trying to break one of the laws of the universe with his butt.  He did not realize that two objects, his butt and the oven, could not occupy the same space at the same time.  Again, it is just contrary to the laws of the universe.  But, Alfalfa must have been hoping for a miracle and some sort of bend in the space-time continuum at that moment.  He kept trying to get it in there.  The only thing he succeeded in doing was making him more frustrated and being caught by me.

Then there was Tuesday night…  For several moments, I thought Alfalfa had managed to break a law of physics and perhaps bend the space-time continuum.  I got out the medication and the butt-head disappeared.  Poof!  Gone.  See-ya.  No pig in the house.  I looked around and giggled that we were playing a hiding game again.  “Butt-head,” I called into the house.  “Butt-head, come out, come out where ever you are…” I called in a good spirit with this game.  Nothingness retuned my call.  I have learned to stop and listen for Alfalfa when he hides on me.  I was rewarded with a small rustling noise from under the bed.  “Ha!” I said walking towards the bed.

I picked up the bed skirt and said, “Got ya,” to an empty space.  I got down on my hands and knees and looked around under the bed.  “Alfalfa?” I called to a seemingly empty space.  I heard the noise again from father under the bed.  I squinted to see where it was coming from.  All I saw was darkness.  I got up and grabbed my flashlight from next to the bed.  I got back down and lifted the bed skirt again.  Alfalfa chattered his teeth at me in a warning again.  “Not going to work, dude,” I said.  “I’ve got light!” I said turning on the flashlight and pointing it into the darkness.

The light was immediately absorbed into the darkness.  “Oh,” I said in true fascination, “There is a black hole under here…  Now I know where all that stuff goes…”  I heard a small rustling from farther under the bed.  “Crap, Alfalfa…have you gone goffer on me?” I asked knowing the answer already.  I sat back on my haunches and shook my head.  I knew that I was going to have to dig out under the bed.  I sighed in frustration and began to pull out storage boxes…carefully.  I checked each area with the flashlight for Alfalfa before pulling out the item.  The last thing I needed was to grab a large angry ball of fur that could bite off a finger of mine.  Perhaps, that’s a bit dramatic…let me rephrase…  The last thing I needed was to grab a large angry ball of fur that could permanently damage me with his teeth…

I got about half of the bed cleared out when I heard a loud chattering.  I was getting close.  I had to proceed with extreme caution.  I pulled one final box out of the way and saw a furry butt.  Alfalfa was trying to dig further into the boxes under the bed.  “Oh, no you don’t,” I said reaching under the bed after my bad pig.  Alfalfa turned around and sunk his teeth into my hand.  “Ouch!” I yelled pulling my arm out from under the bed reflexively.  I managed to hit my forearm on metal frame of the bed.  “Ouch!” I yelled again.  I saw Alfalfa dart out from under the bed.  He jumped over a small box as he fled.  I fell back on my butt on the floor in pain and defeated by a guinea pig.

"Do not look at this picutre...  It is of my butt...  Oh, mom!' - A

“Do not look at this picture… It is of my butt… Oh, mom!’ – A

I sat on the floor for several minutes nursing my injuries.  Alfalfa came out from his new hiding spot to…to…well…taunt me.  He sniffed at me and looked proudly at the mess I had made in search of him.  I swear my guinea pig was mocking me as he sat there.  To prove his point, he lifted his butt and left me a pile of poop…right in the middle of the floor.  “That’s it!” I yell and dove across the boxes at him.  Of course I didn’t catch him.  I did catch some good air. And of course, mean old gravity caught me and placed me firmly on a mess of boxes.  “Ouch!” I yelled feeling the corner of a box dig into my ribs.  Alfalfa bolted for his cage and jumped over the ramp into it.

I had to act quickly.  I scrambled on hands and knees over to his cage and closed the door.  “HA!” I said proudly, “I’ve got you!”  Then, I collapsed on the floor in pain and exhaustion…  Alfalfa popped his head out of his house and chattered at me.  “Yeup,” I said from the floor, “I got you pig…”  After several minutes, I was able to get up.  I turned and saw the mess all over the apartment, the crushed boxes, and one caged guinea pig.  I sighed.  ‘All this for a guinea pig?’ I thought.  I turned to the cage.  Alfalfa walked up to the bars and started biting them.  “Yes, master,” I conceded, “I’ll get right to it…”

Alfalfa:  3

Kerry Anne:  1

P.S. – If you are interested in helping with Alfalfa’s medical care, we have started a Chip In fund for him.  I want to raise enough to make sure that surgery is possible if it is an option.  All funds will go towards his care.  Any unused funds will be donated to a guinea pig rescue.  Thank you to all of the Angles that have given already.  God bless you.



  1. Are you sure there are no hamster-genes in Alfalfa? ;-3

    • Oh, my god! I’m going to die of laughter from your comment. Unfortunately, with his rather large butt, I’d say no! Thanks for your comment! – Kerry Anne

  2. I think that pig will eventually learn to Teleport! 🙂

    • Pam, I thought he was doing that already! Kate thinks he’s a Time Lord and has a Tardis… That’s all we need! Thanks for your support and comment. – Kerry Anne

  3. May I suggest wearing gloves when dealing with the capture?

    • That might be what a smart person does. But, why does he have to bite me? Can’t he just be a good pig? Thanks for your comment and support – Kerry Anne

      • I bet he can but he has to want it first. ;-3

      • I’m ordering a Tardis for him. – KA

      • lol

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