Alfalfa, like all guinea pigs, is a rodent. As a rodent he has some undesirable behaviors. I have managed to curb or redirect some of these behaviors. These include his chewing, eating, and pooping habits. I think his toe biting is not a behavior but a hobby. But the one behavior I cannot control, redirect, or curb is his shredding. Alfalfa loves to shred the paper I use for the bottom of his cage and for his potty pans under the bed. It causes me sleepless night, extra cleaning duties, and most of all wear and tear on the vacuums…
The first time I heard Alfalfa shred was one night soon after I ‘installed’ his potty pans under the bed. I went to bed thinking that I had out smarted the butt-head. I sighed as a drifted off into an ignorant bliss. At about three in the morning, the noises started… *scrrriiipppppt* is the only way I can describe it. I woke up and heard the noise again. *scrrriiipppppt* I broke out into an instant sweat. My heart started to beat faster and faster. *scrrriiipppppt* My panicked thoughts ran the gambit…someone was coming to kill me…someone was in my apartment… *scrrriiipppppt* I knew that I was going to die…soon.
*scrrriiipppppt* I got up the courage, reached out to my bed side lamp, sat up, and quickly turned the light on. I expected to see an ax murder standing next to my bed. The apartment was empty and quiet. I went to throw back the covers and soon realized that I was biting the bed sheet with all I had. Giggling at my folly, I released the now wet sheet. “Huh?” I said out loud. “Silly me,” I remarked reaching out my foot to step on the floor. *scrrriiipppppt* Now, you have to promise not to hold this reaction against me. If I was a man and had a man card, it would have been stripped from me at this very moment. Fortunately, I am a women and can have small moments like this, occasionally.
I screamed at the top of my lungs for all I was worth. I was scared poop-less (to be polite for our younger readers). I saw Alfalfa bolt from under the bed. Paper followed the guinea pig in his trail. I stood there, on my bed, dumbfounded pressed up against the wall. “What the hell?” was all I could manage. I looked around the floor where Alfalfa enters and exits his area. There was newspaper everywhere…everywhere. “Crap…” I said getting on my hands and knees and crawling to the edge of the bed. I looked and saw that the brat had been busy throughout the night.
I looked up and saw Alfalfa staring at me from across the room. “Is this your work?” I asked from the bed. He huffed at me and tilted his head. I was getting the ‘What the hell are you doing?’ look he has mastered. “That noise? That was you…you shredding the paper? Alfalfa?” He chattered his teeth at me. “I’ll that that as a yes,” I said getting down off of the bed, “Don’t tell me…I’m an idiot.” I needed the ladies room. After my business was done, I walked back into the living room then kitchen. Alfalfa was doing the feed me dance as I walked by. “Yes, I know, I know…food…now…” I sighed.
It took me a full hour to fall back to sleep after that scare. I was tired the next day but had a good story to tell. What? You don’t think that noise is scary in the night? Ok. You need to do an experiment at three in the morning. Take newspaper and tear it length wise to create a good 1 to 2 second ripping noise. Now go in the dark to someone’s bedroom and start making that noise until they wake up. If they don’t kill you for doing it, interview them and ask how scary it was… On second thought, don’t do that…trust me it scared the poop out of me…
I would like to dedicate this installment of the Alfalfa’s Adventues to Jasmine. She got her angle wings. She was loved by all at The Cozy Cavy.