Poop Wars – Episode Three: “The Poop is a Foot”

I am a high school physics teacher.  Some days I come home covered in dust and dirt.  My prep closet is dirty and my room can be even worse.  One day last week, I came home and literally ran for the shower.  As I ran, I threw clothes all over the place on my way to the bathroom.  I was fully prepared to jump into the shower by the time I got there.  Turning on the water, I got in, and adjusted the temperature.  There is nothing better than showing when you feel dirty and disgusting.  The water just washes away the dirt and worries.

I’m even cute on a bunny holiday! – A

After I was done, I dried and wrapped myself in a towel.  I followed the trail of clothes picking each offending article up gingerly between thumb and forefinger.  I did not want to get dirty from the clothes as I transported them back to clothes hamper.  My goal was to stay clean and fresh.  The task finished, I walked over to the couch to sit down and cool off from the hot water.  I sat back and relaxed.

I heard Alfalfa at my feet.  “Al-fi,” I said, “Do not bite my toes.”  There was no response and I did not see the guinea pig move away from the area.  “Al-fi,” I said with more intensity, “Do not bite my toes.”  I felt his fur on my bare right foot.  Sitting up very slowly I looked to see if my guinea pig was on a toe biting mission.  He surprised me by sitting down next to my foot with his butt up against it.  “Oh,” I cooed, “you want to foot snuggle?  What a good boy!”  Alfalfa paid no attention to me and continued to sit next to my foot.  I sat back on the couch satisfied that my guinea pig was not in a toe-biting mood.

A minute of two passed before I felt Alfalfa shift.  I thought, ‘Well, that was a small but nice snuggle.’  I sat up to acknowledge Alfalfa’s good behavior.  He stood and backed up a bit more over my foot.  ‘Oh, that’s so cute!’ I thought, ‘He’s moving in for a closer snuggle!’  Nope.  When he was adjusted to just the right position in his mind, he pooped…on my foot!  “Alfalfa Pig!” I yelled in alarm and surprised.  That noise made him jump and some pellets flew across my foot.  They must have been propelled by a sudden tightening in his sphincter.

“Damn it!” I yelled.  Alfalfa bolted for the bed.  I was left with about a dozen perfectly placed pellets on my foot.  To make matters worse, they stuck to my clean foot because they were fresh and moist.  “Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!”  I said.  I jumped to my feet dislodging several beans off of my foot and on to the floor.  “Great!” I yelled, “Now I have to clean up too!”  I decided to hop over to the shower on one foot.  Hop, hop, hop…  That was a bad idea.  I didn’t notice the pellets that fell off my foot leaving a bean trail behind.

I got to the shower and got in, again.  I turned the water on full blast running my foot under it to clear the offending pellets.  “YUCK!” I said again.  I turned to see Alfalfa standing at the door of the bathroom.  “Bad, pig,” I admonished.  He lifted his head up, snuffed at me, and walked back towards the living room.  I spent the next five minutes scrubbing, exfoliating, and sanitizing my foot in the hot water.  Feeling clean again, I dried myself and rewrapped the towel around myself.

I left the bathroom hoping to clean up Alfalfa’s mess.  The moment my right foot hit the carpet I felt a bean under my foot.  I felt the squish.  “Aughhhh!” I yelled and jumped back into the bathroom. “My whole apartment is  poopy-trapped!”  I looked at the bottom of my foot and saw a perfect pellet stuck to the bottom.  “Oh, no!” I lamented.  Using a tissue, I cleaned the bean off and flushed it.  I leaned around the bathroom door looking for the source of the beans.  The guinea pig was nowhere to be found.  I saw the trail of beans from the couch to bathroom.  It finally hit.  ‘I did that,’ I thought examining the trail, ‘Great, more to clean.’  I got to work cleaning up the trail of gifts that my guinea pig had given to me.  Alfalfa stuck his head out from the bed.  “Nice job pig,” I said to him, “Thanks for the gifts.”  He trotted over to me looking for a reward.  Eeping happily, Alfalfa accepted the proffered treat and went back to his own business.

Alfalfa:  3

Kerry Anne: 0