I am a high school physics teacher. Some days I come home covered in dust and dirt. My prep closet is dirty and my room can be even worse. One day last week, I came home and literally ran for the shower. As I ran, I threw clothes all over the place on my way to the bathroom. I was fully prepared to jump into the shower by the time I got there. Turning on the water, I got in, and adjusted the temperature. There is nothing better than showing when you feel dirty and disgusting. The water just washes away the dirt and worries.
After I was done, I dried and wrapped myself in a towel. I followed the trail of clothes picking each offending article up gingerly between thumb and forefinger. I did not want to get dirty from the clothes as I transported them back to clothes hamper. My goal was to stay clean and fresh. The task finished, I walked over to the couch to sit down and cool off from the hot water. I sat back and relaxed.
I heard Alfalfa at my feet. “Al-fi,” I said, “Do not bite my toes.” There was no response and I did not see the guinea pig move away from the area. “Al-fi,” I said with more intensity, “Do not bite my toes.” I felt his fur on my bare right foot. Sitting up very slowly I looked to see if my guinea pig was on a toe biting mission. He surprised me by sitting down next to my foot with his butt up against it. “Oh,” I cooed, “you want to foot snuggle? What a good boy!” Alfalfa paid no attention to me and continued to sit next to my foot. I sat back on the couch satisfied that my guinea pig was not in a toe-biting mood.
A minute of two passed before I felt Alfalfa shift. I thought, ‘Well, that was a small but nice snuggle.’ I sat up to acknowledge Alfalfa’s good behavior. He stood and backed up a bit more over my foot. ‘Oh, that’s so cute!’ I thought, ‘He’s moving in for a closer snuggle!’ Nope. When he was adjusted to just the right position in his mind, he pooped…on my foot! “Alfalfa Pig!” I yelled in alarm and surprised. That noise made him jump and some pellets flew across my foot. They must have been propelled by a sudden tightening in his sphincter.
“Damn it!” I yelled. Alfalfa bolted for the bed. I was left with about a dozen perfectly placed pellets on my foot. To make matters worse, they stuck to my clean foot because they were fresh and moist. “Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!” I said. I jumped to my feet dislodging several beans off of my foot and on to the floor. “Great!” I yelled, “Now I have to clean up too!” I decided to hop over to the shower on one foot. Hop, hop, hop… That was a bad idea. I didn’t notice the pellets that fell off my foot leaving a bean trail behind.
I got to the shower and got in, again. I turned the water on full blast running my foot under it to clear the offending pellets. “YUCK!” I said again. I turned to see Alfalfa standing at the door of the bathroom. “Bad, pig,” I admonished. He lifted his head up, snuffed at me, and walked back towards the living room. I spent the next five minutes scrubbing, exfoliating, and sanitizing my foot in the hot water. Feeling clean again, I dried myself and rewrapped the towel around myself.
I left the bathroom hoping to clean up Alfalfa’s mess. The moment my right foot hit the carpet I felt a bean under my foot. I felt the squish. “Aughhhh!” I yelled and jumped back into the bathroom. “My whole apartment is poopy-trapped!” I looked at the bottom of my foot and saw a perfect pellet stuck to the bottom. “Oh, no!” I lamented. Using a tissue, I cleaned the bean off and flushed it. I leaned around the bathroom door looking for the source of the beans. The guinea pig was nowhere to be found. I saw the trail of beans from the couch to bathroom. It finally hit. ‘I did that,’ I thought examining the trail, ‘Great, more to clean.’ I got to work cleaning up the trail of gifts that my guinea pig had given to me. Alfalfa stuck his head out from the bed. “Nice job pig,” I said to him, “Thanks for the gifts.” He trotted over to me looking for a reward. Eeping happily, Alfalfa accepted the proffered treat and went back to his own business.
Kerry Anne: 0