The Story of Lee – Part One – Guinea Pig for Sale

I’m going to tell you a story about another guinea pig.  His name was Lee.  He was very near and dear to my heart.  This is a very painful story for me to tell.  But, I think it’s something everyone needs to hear.  It is a story that breaks my heart each time I tell it…a story that tears my soul…a story that no one that loves guinea pigs should ever experience…  This is the first part of a three part tale about Lee…

One Saturday in spring I went out yard sale shopping around my neighborhood.  I remember that it was a glorious day.  The sun was out, the sky was blue, there was a slight breeze, and the temperature was just perfect.  I parked on the street in the middle of several houses that were doing good business for a yard sale.  As I roamed from property to property, I was greeted and met many new people.  I browsed the selection not really looking for anything in particular.

I stopped at the final house in the cluster and went through some tables of items.  That’s when I noticed the cage.  I saw a small animal cage in the shade in the garage.  It said “Guinea Pig for Sale $10.00”.  Appalled by the sign, I walked over to investigate.  I got down on my knees and saw a pure white guinea pig with red eyes.  ‘Albino,’ I thought.  He was small but curious.  He limped over the side of the cage to investigate me.  “Hey, sweetie,” I cooed at him.  He raised his noise to me and I put my finger through the cage bars to scratch his nose.

“His name is ‘Bruce Lee’” a lady’s voice came from behind me.

“Oh?” I said standing up to talk with her, “How did that little guy get such a big name?” I asked.

“Well,” she sighed, “He used to have a girl but she passed recently,” she looked down at the ground, “Her name was ‘Janet Lee’,” she stated.

“Your kids must like kung-foo movies,” I laughed.

“Yes,” she said, “But when Janet died suddenly, my daughter was so upset she stopped taking care of Bruce…”

“Is that why he’s here?” I asked.

“Yes,” she confirmed.

“I think this is the best thing for him.  I want him to go to a loving house…”  Her next words sounded more like an apology than a statement, “The money is just to prevent idiots from just taking him and not caring for him.”

“I understand,” I said.  “Tell me about him.  Why does he limp?”

“Well,” she said with a bit of hope in her voice, “He has a bit of a stumpy leg.  That’s why we took him in…when he runs it’s so cute.  We fell in love with him.  He so gentle and sweet…a nice guy…”

“Can I hold him?” I asked.

“What? I’m shocked…. This blog is not about ME? MOM!” – A

“Sure,” she said with a smile.  She bent down in the cage and scooped up Bruce Lee.  He fit nicely in the palm of her hand.  “Here,” she said handing him to me.

I sighed when he was put in my hands.  It was so nice to hold a guinea pig again. He was small but cute, all white, and he had the neatest white eyes.

I sat down on a chair to do a quick health and temperament assessment to the best of my limited abilities.  I placed him on his back on my lap.  He sat there and looked at me curiously.  ‘That’s a positive,’ I thought.  I checked his belly for obvious issues.  Nothing.  I checked his ears and teeth.  They both looked good.  His private areas were clean and clear of obvious issues.  The only issue was that one of his legs was slightly smaller than the others.  I looked at the pad on the foot.  It was normal.  The leg seemed normal but a bit small.  The small leg didn’t raise any red flags for health issues.

I let Bruce Lee sit there on his back for several moments to see what he would do.  Nothing.  Bruce Lee just laid there.  In fact I think that he was becoming comfortable and beginning to fall asleep.  I scooped him up and held him on my chest with both hands.

I looked down at him and began to talk with him.  “Do you want to come home with me?” I asked.  Bruce Lee yawned and snuggled into my chest.  He closed his eyes and sighed.  I sat and stared at him in amazement.  He had just adopted me.

My quiet moment with Bruce Lee was interrupted by a bunch of teenagers walking up to the cage and kicking it.  They began to laugh as they looked for the guinea pig.  One was saying, “Ten bucks!  Let’s get it and have some fun.”

The lady from the house walked up to them and told them that she wasn’t going to sell the guinea pig to them and to cut it out.

That’s when I stood up, “Besides,” I said loudly, “He’s been adopted already…”

The ring leader turned to me and said, “I’ll give you $20 for that thing.”

“This is a guinea pig.  His name is Lee.  He is not for sale.  Go away.”  I declared.  It was me, the lady of the house, and a small guinea pig versus 5 rowdy teenagers.  The ring leader snarled at me.  ‘Me and my big mouth,’ is all I could think.  I folded Lee into my arms as safely as best I could to hide him from the boys.

“Boys,” the lady of the house said, “Please leave.  The guinea pig is not for sale.  That’s his owner.”  This request elicited a giggle from the group.

Just then salvation arrived.  A male voice called, “Gentlemen, the lady asked you to leave…so go now…boys…”  A large man stepped into my view just outside of the garage door.  The sun shone on all 6’4” and 250 pounds of his pure muscle.  This dude could have been in an action movie with the real Bruce Lee.

The teenagers all turned a ghostly white.  The leader wisely declared, “Let’s go, this house is lame.”  They half walked / jogged past the guy.

“Can I talk to you about your free-weight set for sale?” the savior asked.

“Sure,” the lady said a bit dumbfounded, “Let me just finish here…”  The guy nodded his head and walked off to the tables outside the garage.  “Uhmmm,” she said and turned to me.  “Lee?” she asked after a small pause.

“It came out…” was all I could say.

“It fits,” she said.

“Yes,” I acknowledged, “He’s a lover…not a fighter.”

She laughed, “Take good care of him…”  She turned and started to walk away.

“Wait,” I called, “What about your money?”

“You already love him…that’s payment enough…” she continued out of the garage.  I was left with a small bundle of white fur in my arms.  When I looked down I saw Lee was sleeping.  He had left a small thank you gift in my hand…a bean.

Next Week:  “The Story of Lee – Part Two– Guinea Pig Settles In“”

Follow the Beans

Do you ever wonder what your guinea pig does when you are not home?  I do all the time about Alfalfa.  He leaves a lot of evidence behind from his daily activities. In fact, he has an automatic tracing system…

Sometimes, when I get home, I find a trail of beans from place to place in the apartment.  I like to think that Alfalfa has some sort of line dotting machine in his butt…a “bean-line machine”.  It traces dotted lines wherever he travels around the house…only using his beans.  I think it’s normally set to one bean per ten steps.  That’s the only way to describe the lines he creates.  These lines come in very handy when trying to see what he was up to during the day.

I think there is an idle setting on the bean-line machine.  But the idle setting is at a higher distribution rate than the walking setting.  Whenever he stops somewhere, there is a larger bean concentration.  The size of the pile is directly related to the time he spends at a specific location.  For example, I found a huge pile of beans in front of where I keep the treats.  To me, that large pile of beans indicates that he spends a long time looking up at the treats wishing for one.

There is a ‘dump’ setting on it too.  I think that’s in case he unable to dispense all of the beans needed to prevent a backup.  Thank goodness he tends to use that setting on his pans under the bed.  However, the height of the piles does surprise me.  It seems like they are much taller than him.  How is that possible?   Does he shoot them out?  Does he climb the pile like Mount Everest and build from the top to down?  Does he stand on something and bomb the pans?  I don’t think that I will ever know the truth.

The final setting is on Alfalfa’s bean-liner is the run setting.  When he has this setting on it is harder to determine where he has been.  This is a one bean for fifteen step setting.  So, it’s hard to figure out where he has been.  I decided to make a map.  That was a disaster.  See:

Alfalfa’s Bean Pattern…

As you can see from the map above I couldn’t figure out what the heck had happened during the day.  It just looked like a bunch of beans strewn around the room.  All I could say is that he had one heck of time making it…  Oh, Alfalfa.

Welcome Home…

Alfalfa likes to greet me at the door some days when I get home from work. Some days it’s nice. Some days it’s not… The not so nice days are when he greets me with complaints. Those are usually days that I’m a bit late coming home. I will put the key in the door lock and the complaining starts. The noise of the key in the lock must be his queue to start. “Wheek, wheek, wheek,” he yells as loud as possible. I will respond to his complaints, “Yes, yes, yes… I know; I’m late…” I continue to try to sooth his temper as I unlock the second lock on the door. It doesn’t work…ever. My voice only confirms to him that I am late and that I am guilty of being late with dinner.

“Hey!” – A

One time I was talking to him through the door and I dropped my keys. The lady from across the hall came out to see what all of the ‘noise’ was about. “Ello!” I heard from behind me and I jumped dropping my keys again.

“Oh, hello,” I said bending over to grab my keys again.

“Oh,” the lady said, “El Diablo is bad, yes?”

“Sounds like it,” I said fumbling with my keys.

“He need Jesus!” she declared turning. I saw her backside running back into her apartment. I presumed she was grabbing the Holly Water. I quickly got the key in the lock and opened the door. Alfalfa was in truly terrible mood this day and made a bad choice. He ran past me and out of the apartment. As he exited the apartment, the lady from across the hallway was rushing back out of her apartment. The two sworn foes locked eyes.

“Alfalfa,” I called, “Get your butt back in the house!” He ignored me. He was focused on one thing: that lady from across the hall with the Holly Water. In true western style, Alfalfa and the lady from across the hall were in a showdown. Her weapon? Holly Water. His weapon? His voice and boldness.

Alfalfa had a glint of determination in his eyes. I wasn’t going to just let this happen. I took a step forward and bent to pick up my bad guinea pig. I was too slow.

Alfalfa let out the mother of all squeals and charged at the lady. She took a step back fumbling the Holly Water. Alfalfa stopped half way between her and my apartment door. I was left to stand there half bent over to pick up a now gone guinea pig. “Alfalfa pig!” I admonished standing back up. “You leave her alone!” He ignored me.

The lady got her wits about her, put some Holly Water in her hand, and threw it at Alfalfa. She muttered, “Go, El Diablo, go…” It only made Alfalfa more furious. He wheeked again and began to hiss.

“Look,” I said to the lady, “You’re just going to make him madder…” She ignored me. She took some more Holly Water and threw it in Alfalfa’s direction. He hissed and charged her. The lady jumped and back up several steps into her door. She was making the sign of the cross with the hand holding the Holly Water while frantically searching for the door handle with her free hand.

“No, no, no, no,” came from her mouth. She found the door handle and backed into her apartment.

“Alfalfa,” I called from mid-way between our two doors, “Let’s go! That’s enough trouble…” But no, Alfalfa had to have the last word. The lady watched Alfalfa through the crack created by the mostly closed door. He walked up to her welcome mat in the hallway, turned around, and planted several beans on it. The lady screamed as if she was hit by something and slammed her door fully closed. The noise started Alfalfa and several more beans went flying as he jumped.

Finished with his business, Alfalfa trotted over and past me. All I could do was shake my head and get a napkin to clean up his fresh mess. I called to the shut door across the hallway, “He’s gone… You’re safe now…” I followed Alfalfa into the apartment. I was finally able to put my school stuff down. So, I grabbed a napkin to clean up the mess.

“Feed me now!” – A

When I got into the hallway, I saw the lady from across the hallway liberally applying Holly Water and prayers to Alfalfa’s beans. I told her that I would happily clean them up and spray the mat for extra measure. She would not let me touch them. “Mark of El Diablo…” she said pointing to the bean.

I sighed, “Yes, and I will clean them up…”

“No!” she said firmly. “We pray for Jesus…” She grabbed my hand and started saying the Lord’s prayer in Spanish. So, I stood there and prayed along with her in English over my guinea pig’s beans… When she was satisfied that the ‘evil’ from the beans was gone, I was allowed to remove them and throw them outside. As I came back in I saw her blessing her entrance with Holly Water and incense. She was brandishing a rather large cross while performing her blessing.

I wished her well and went back into my apartment. Alfalfa was standing there waiting for me. “You!” I said as I closed the door. “Do you realize what you just did?” Alfalfa huffed at me. “I had to pray over your beans, your poop… The lady from across the hall thinks that you cursed her…” Alfalfa let out another huff. “What am I going to do with you?” I asked picking up his food bowl and heading to the kitchen. Alfalfa let out joyful squeaks of anticipation for dinner. He had forgotten about the whole thing already… That’s a guinea pig for you…

Author’s Note: We would like to send out a special thanks to all of our fans. The Facebook page Alfalfa’s Adventures hit 500 likes. That’s just awesome. You are just awesome!

Free-Rager Danger

Alfalfa is a free-ranger.  He and I have come to a mutual arrangement with the house.  Basically, he does what he wants and I’m forced to adjust to it.  Don’t get me wrong, I love having him roam the house.  He thrives on it.  Are you thinking about allowing your guinea pig to free-range?  I have learned some things I have learned having a free-ranging guinea pig in my house you are going to want to consider before making that decision final…

“What’s up here?” – A

1) A free-ranger guinea pig can follow you around the house and beg the entire time…

Nothing will stop Alfalfa when he is in the mood to beg.  He whines, he squeaks, he jumps, and is just simply annoying.  Most of the time, a quick snack will stop his whining.  But there are times when nothing silences him.  Those days he likes to follow me around the house and whine at me.  I usually will admonish him with, “Alfalfa, please stop…please.”  That will silence the noise for a couple of minutes before it starts up again.  If I am sitting at my desk, Alfalfa will sit on the floor to my right and bother me until I acknowledge to him.  “Ok,” I will say, “I’m getting up…”  As I get up, Alfalfa will follow me to his treats.  I will hand him one and walk back over to my desk chair.  Several minutes later, Alfalfa is usually back several minutes later begging again.  It is a non-stop begging and whining fest until I go to bed.

2) Your toes are not safe ANYWHERE in the house…

I have had my toes bitten so many times I’ve lost count.  I think Alfalfa enjoys sneaking up on me and biting my toes.  That guinea pig is like a ninja when in toe biting mode.  He always gets me when I am engrossed in an activity.  All is fine and then WHAM he strikes.  Very rarely does he break the skin.  The sudden pinch always sends a shock through my entire body.  It doesn’t matter if I have socks on.  He must have a pair of glasses that see thorough socks.  Many people have

“I like this spot… It’s warm, cozy, and near mom’s toes.” – A

suggested I wear shoes.  I have a pair of slippers that I wear around the house.  They have an open back.  So, unable to get to my toes, Alfalfa will go for my heel.  My pig is unstoppable.

3) That feeling that someone is watching you is not a feeling…the guinea pig is watching you…

Alfalfa does this freaky thing sometimes:  He watches me.  I will be sitting at the computer and fell like someone is watching me.  I will look and see Alfalfa sitting next to my desk staring back up at me.  “What’s up dude?” I will ask.  Initially, he usually doesn’t react.  I will need a second, “Dudeeed?” to break his spell.  When the spell is broken, I usually get an annoyed huff.  He will turn and go about his own business.  It never fails that ten to fifteen minutes later he will be back in the same spot staring at me.  It totally creeps me out.  My own guinea pig is stalking me.

4) Guinea pig bean tend to defy the laws of physics…

I have found Alfalfa’s beans in places that I never thought were possible.  I have found them under the couch…where he clearly cannot fit. I have found them behind fenced off areas in the house.  It’s as if he has put his butt back up against the fence and shot out the beans.  There is no other way they could have wound up there.  I have found a random bean in my school bag.  How the heck does that happen?  I’m sure many of you will offer explanations for that: it stuck to a paper,

“How is that bean pile possible?” – KA

your bag was on the floor, it fell while cleaning…  But there is no reasonable explanation for that.  Alfalfa is bending the laws of physics.  That’s the only explanation.

5) Guinea pigs like to trip you up…it’s a sport for them…

I usually don’t have any problems walking around the house with Alfalfa free-ranging.  He and I have developed a rhythm.  There are sometimes I wonder if Alfalfa is purposely trying to trip me up.  Those days, he will dart in and out from under the bed, across my path, and back in the blink of an eye.  I usually yell, “What the…” and then he is gone.  He will always stick his head out from the bed skirt to ‘inspect’ his work.  Several times he has scared me so badly that I have fallen.  I now know that when his is in his ‘darting’ mood to watch out.  Admonishing him always results in more darting around.

 

If you are planning on having a free-ranging guinea pig.  Make sure that your environment is well prepared for him or her.  Get down on your hands and knees and look around to see what they can get into.  They will get into everything that is not blocked, covered, or closed.  I have found Alfalfa on low level shelves.  He has also tried to climb into the refrigerator several times when I have left it open.  Think of their health and safety first.  It is a huge responsibility to have a free-ranger guinea pig around.  Trust me, I know…

Alfalfa’s Adventure

The other night I had to clean something in the bathroom.  I keep the bleach under the sink.  I got cleaner from under the kitchen sink and didn’t bother to close the door to the cabinet.  I used the cleaner and decided to let it sit for a while.  I put the cleaner back under the sink and closed the cabinet door.

I had some time before I had to wipe down the tub in the bathroom.  So, I sat down to watch TV.  It is not uncommon for Alfalfa to run from under the bed to his cage and back several times while I’m sitting on the couch.  I have learned to keep my feet on the couch to avoid a glancing nip as he passes.  Sometimes Alfalfa will sometimes nap in his house or under the bed.  So, it is not unusual for me to not to see him for a half an hour or so.

“What are you looking at?” – A

When the second television show ended I got curious.  Where was the trouble maker?  I wondered.  So, I started to look for him.  I went to his usual haunts first.  I looked in his cage and in his hut…no Alfalfa.  I looked under the bed…no Alfalfa.  ‘Ok,’ I thought, ‘Perhaps he went back into the far reaches of the bed.’  So, I moved the bed away from the wall to look…no Alfalfa.  ‘Where the hell is the little bugger?’ I thought with a bit of panic.  “Alfalfa?” I called.  There was no response.  “Dude?” I called again.  The apartment was deadly silent.

“Alfalfa, pig!” I said in a louder voice.  “Damn, it…” I cursed getting down on my knees in front of the couch.  I couldn’t see anything under there.  I got up, retrieved the flashlight from next to my bed, and returned to my knees.  I shone under the couch and was greeted by a bunch of dust bunnies.  “I need to vacuum under there…” I remarked.  I stood up and listened to the apartment.  ‘What the hell?’ I thought truly perplexed by my guinea pig’s disappearing act.

‘Where the hell could he be?’ I thought.  I heard something outside of the apartment.  “Alfalfa?” I said throwing open the door.  The next door neighbor lady was just leaving her apartment.  “Oh, hi,” I said.  After an awkward pause I asked, “Have you seen Alfalfa?  My guinea pig?”  She gave me a look of not understanding a word I said.  “You know ‘el diablo’?  Was he here?” I asked indicating the foyer.

“Ahhh,” she replied, “No…  I no see him…  He is bad?”

“Yes, he’s hiding from me…” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“You lose him?” she asked with a giggle.

“Yes…” I said hanging my head.  “I have managed to lose him…”  The lady laughed at me, shook her head with disapproval, and continued on her way up the stairs.  I went back into my apartment and closed the door.  I leaned up against the door, “Great, not only does she think that I live with the devil, she now thinks he’s on the loose…crap…”  I said looking around with a critical eye.  “ALFALFA!” I yelled into the apartment.  “Damn it pig!” I added for effect.  Where the hell was he?

It was right about then that I went into panic mode.  ‘Ok, ok, ok,’ I thought with a growing panic, ‘where could he be? Under the bed?’  I went to the bed and threw off the two mattresses.  I used my flashlight to look in between all of the junk that was stored un the bed.  No Alfalfa…  “Crap,” I cursed, “Alfalfa?” I said to the inanimate objects the bed hoping for a response.  Silence.  ‘Now where?’ I turned and looked at the couch.  It was a couch and a stow-away bed…perhaps he had gotten between the folds?

I left the mess of mattresses and bed covering behind and went to the couch.  I looked under the couch with the flashlight again, just to be sure.  The dust bunnies were the only thing smiling back at me.  ‘Damn, it,’ I thought as I got up and ripped the couch pillow off of it.  Alfalfa was not under them.  I opened the couch and pulled out the folding mattress.  No Alfalfa…  “What the hell?” I asked out loud to the apartment.  My question was met with silence.  Then I thought, ‘Perhaps the bathroom?’  I left second major mess behind and ran over to the bathroom.

I stopped and listened for noise.  I heard the drip of the faucet and nothing else.  “Alfalfa?” I asked the silent bathroom.  I paused listening for the smallest response.  Noting…  I freaked.  I looked under the sink pulling out everything that was stored under there.   I went into the linen closet and threw out anything from the waist down.  “Alfalfa!” I cried as I went through the linens.  He was nowhere to be seen.  Then I thought, ‘What about the hall closet?’

I dashed over to the hall closet and threw it open.  “Alfalfa?” I didn’t wait for a response.  I grabbed the vacuum cleaner and threw it behind me.  It hit the floor with a solid thud.  I didn’t care.  I just wanted to find my guinea pig.  I grabbed my dirty laundry bag and dumped it.  I threw clothes over my head as if I was emptying an old dirty storage locker with no regard.  I finally got the back of the closet.  Alfalfa was nowhere in sight.

I turned in circles in my apartment looking for my guinea pig.  He was nowhere.  I began to wonder if he had fallen down some sort of ‘rabbit-hole’ for guinea pigs.  How could a sassy three pound ball of fur just disappear.  The laws of physics forbade it.  I had lost my rat for a day one time…but she was a rat and could hide anywhere…  Again, Alfalfa was huge compared to Nibbles.  My head began to swim with imagined situations of doom, injury, and even death…  This was not good.  My knees got weak.

“I was caught in the hay bag…” – A

I sat down in the center of my apartment and the mess I had made and began to weep.  I was devastated.  I had lost my guinea pig in my own apartment.  I cried for about fifteen minutes before I got up and went to the kitchen to clean up.  I grabbed the final napkin and blew my nose.  I let out a sigh and went to get more napkins from under the kitchen sink.  I opened the door and was shocked by what I saw…

Alfalfa was sleeping on the pile of dust cloths I stored under the sink.  “Alfalfa!” I let out in shock.  My knees were weak and I had to sit down again.  I plopped down on butt.  My shout had woken up the sleeping butt-head.  He stood up and stretched on the pile of cloths.  Alfalfa walked to the edge of the cabinet shelf and jumped down.  He paused and looked up at me.  I got the impression the look was to ask, ‘What is your problem?’  He walked past me towards his cage.  The path was obstructed by the mess I had made.  Alfalfa let out a huge wheek of disapproval.  He walked back over to me and began to wheek more.  He wanted the path cleared…now.  “Pig,” I said, “don’t ever do that again…”  He wasn’t having it and huffed.  “I know,” I said standing up, “hurry up…”  He wheeked again at me.  “Yes, master,” I said walking towards the living and the mess I had made.  Alfalfa followed me.  “I’m glad to have you back,” I said.

How to Make Friends with Your Neighbors…Alfalfa Style

Alfalfa usually waits for me to get home by sitting in front of the door.  I will get a wheek or popcorn from him before he bolts to the kitchen expecting to be fed.  Every once in a while he gets bold.  Alfalfa will dart from out of the apartment into the foyer area of my floor.  After a lap or two he darts back into the apartment.  Today he decided to be a pain in my butt.

When I got home, Alfalfa darted out into the foyer.  I laughed and called, “Let’s go pig…”  I expected him to come running back into the apartment.  Nothing happened.  I looked out in the hall to see him lying in the center of the foyer.  “Silly, pig,” I called, “Let’s go!”  He sat there with a blank expression staring back at me.  I was still not willing to go out and get him, “Let’s go, Alfalfa,” I said with a firmer voice.  He did not move.

“Is this my good side?” – A

I gave up and walked out into the foyer.  With that, Alfalfa was up and bolted to the furthest corner of the foyer.  He was backed into a literal and proverbial corner.  “HA!” I said grabbing for him.  He bolted and ran in circles around me.  “Damn, it pig!” I yelled.  I tried to corral him back into the apartment.  It didn’t work.  Finally, I stood my ground in front of my apartment door.  “Get your ass back in here…” I said a bit too loudly.

I heard my floor neighbor open her lock and then saw the door open.  “Sorry,” I apologized to her, “he escaped…” I said pointing at Alfalfa.

“No problem,” she said with a slight Spanish accent.  “I help you?” she asked.

“Please,” I responded and moved to the right of my door inside of the foyer.

“Ok, go, go! Shoo, shoo” she said and shooed at Alfalfa.  He was not impressed by the display.

“Alfalfa!” I tried again to no avail.

The neighbor crossed her threshold to make the stubborn pet move.  Alfalfa stood up, turned, and chattered his teeth at her.  “Don’t …” I warned.  She stopped and gave me a puzzled look

“He’s the devil when he’s mad,” I tried to explain.  She tilted her head in confusion.  “El diablo…” I said pointing at the guinea pig and then mimicking his teeth in action.

“Ayyyyyeee…” she let out.  “You can get him, ok?”

“Ok,” I said.  The neighbor backup into her apartment and closed the door.  I heard a bunch of locks click into place seconds later.  “Fine,” I said turning to the defiant Alfalfa, “no dinner till you come in…”   I went back into my apartment leaving the door open behind me.  Alfalfa walked to the entrance of the door two foot still inside of the foyer and lay down.  “Jerk,” I said sitting down on the couch.  Alfalfa held his head high in a show of defiance.  “I’m not going to care if you stay out there.  I will not come out to get you…”  I was in another show down.  This would be a contest of wills.  I had the chance to prove that I was master and he was the pet.  I could not fail…this time.

After a half an hour Alfalfa had settled in.  I had tried to call him in several times.  My neighbors walked past the open door of my apartment all giving me odd looks.  I just smiled back and said ‘hi’.  There was nothing I could do.  Alfalfa was not fazed by the passing people.  He chattered his teeth at the ones that got too close.  They would see and hear him and back off.

One of my neighbors tried to help me by using his foot to push Alfalfa back into the apartment.  Alfalfa bolted the moment he was gently touched.  He ran in circles furious that someone would dare to touch his butt.  “You may want to leave now…he’s not happy with you…”  Alfalfa’s was so angry his hair was standing on end.  He chattered and wheeked at the top of his lungs.

“My god,” the neighbor remarked, “he’s an angry one…isn’t he…”

“Yeup,” I said.  “Uh, he may come after you…” I said from the couch.  Alfalfa freaked out and started his angry dance.  “You should go,” I warned and got up off of the couch and walked to the door so that I would not miss the pending show.  Alfalfa went after the guy.  He charged and bit at the neighbor’s shoes.  “I told you,” I said leaning on the frame of the door.  The guy startled and backed up into the wall.

“Woe..woe…watch out,” he said backing into the wall.  Alfalfa was not satisfied with only backing him into the wall.  He continued to dance, chatter, and huff at the poor man.  “Augh,” the guy said and made a quick move for the stairs.  Alfalfa followed as far as he could.  He made it to the edge of the stairs and looked up and the guy with a menacing stare.  The guy looked at me and said, “Have fun with that…” and continued up the stairs.

The women from across the hall opened her door.  She was prepared this time.  She brandished a one-foot cross at Alfalfa.  “Go away, Diablo!” she said and spit on the carpet.  Alfalfa acted as if he were struck.

“Oh, Christ,” I said seeing her.  The women crossed herself.

“You say that he is el diablo…I have Jesus Christo…” she explained as if it were something common place.

“Yes, so do I,” I told her holding up cross that I was wearing around my neck.  She gave me a knowing smile and held up a bottle that I presumed was holly water.  “Go ahead,” I said giving her permission to sprinkle the demon pig with it.

The lady started to pray in Spanish.  I just stood there trying to seem as reverent as possible.  It took all of my self-control to not to burst out laughing.  Alfalfa stood there starting up at the lady chattering his teeth.  The lady crossed herself and let some holy water fly.  It hit Alfalfa and he jumped.  She sprinkled more on him.  Alfalfa started his angry popcorn dance.  He did not like getting wet.  A final sprinkle of holly water hit Alfalfa in the face.  He wheeked at the top of his lungs and ran back into my apartment.

“I talk with my mouth full…” – A

“Ok?” the lady from across the hall asked.

“Ok!” I replied genuinely happy that the rogue guinea pig was back in my apartment.  “Thanks.” I said.  The women motioned for to come closer.  I stepped forward.  She placed some holy water on her hands and made a cross on my forehead with it.  “Thank you,” I said.  I turned and went back into my apartment.  Alfalfa was waiting for me.  I closed the door and said, “I told you to get your ass back in here, pig.”  He huffed and me and headed for under the bed.  El Diablo was home and perhaps a bit of good was infused into his bad bones…

RIGHT…

During the past several weeks too many of our beloved fur babies in our families have crossed over the rainbow bridge.  I want to express my deepest sympathy to the moms, dads, and fellow babies left behind.  Today’s blog was dedicated to all of those that recently left us.  I hope that I have brought some joy to you in this time of sorrow.  And to all of the ones we have lost:

We love you and we will never forget you. 

Alfalfa’s Gift to Me on the First Day of School

I was planning on writing a completely different story for today.  However, something happened this morning that changed my mind…

I was nervous this morning getting ready for school.  I got up a half an hour early to make sure that I was early for school.  Looking in the mirror I mentally rehearsed my day.  I heard Alfalfa wheeking outside of the closed bathroom door.  “Dude,” I said opening it.  He looked up at me with those huge eyes.  *wheek* he said softly.

“Oh, is that a camera…again?” – A

“Do you want breakfast?” I asked.  He bolted for the kitchen.  I laughed as I heard his small feet running across the carpet.  As I followed, I saw him dancing at the edge of the kitchen.  He doesn’t like the tile floor so he won’t cross over into it.  I giggled stepping over him.  As I got some greens to put in his bowl, he began to dance even more.  This brought another smile to my face.  “Silly boy,” I said walking past him towards the living room and his house.  He followed and dove into his cage.  I put the food in the bowl and he dove mouth first into that too.

I finished my morning routine.  The last thing I always do is put my shoes on before leaving.  I sat down on the couch and put my shoes on.  I was still nervous.  I took a moment closed my eyes and took several deep breaths to relax.  I felt something at my right foot.  I opening my eyes I looked down to see Alfalfa backed up and partially sitting on my right shoe.  I giggled and said, “I don’t want to go either…”  He turned and looked up at me with those sweet, innocent eyes.  “Ok,” I said, “I’ve got to go…”  Alfalfa let out a small huff and walked away from my shoe.  That’s when I saw why he was there…

There was a large wet stain on my NEW shoe.  “Alfalfa!” I yelled.  “You peed on my new school shoes!”  I took off my shoe and half hopped and half ran over to the kitchen.  I grabbed a bunch of napkins and began to scrub.  The stain was not going anywhere.  Chunks of white paper stuck to the surface of the leather.  “Crap!” I cursed.

I heard Alfalfa wheek from behind me.  I turned and said, “My new shoes, pig!”  He was not fazed by the admonishment.  The stain on my shoe was not going away and time was running out.  “Crap!”  I put my shoe on and ran for the door.  I grabbed my stuff and opened the door.  I heard Alfalfa follow me to the door.  He tried to bolt from the apartment.  “No!” I said with a strong voice.  He stopped in his tracks.  “Stay!” I said.  Oddly enough he stayed where he was.  I went into the hallway and with the door cracked a bit said, “Dude, I love you…but tomorrow, don’t pee on my shoe…”  Closing the door I heard him let out a single wheek.  I sighed and left for work.

The first day of school was hectic.  It was one of those days where craziness ruled.  There were schedule problems, student problems, lateness problems, bell problems, lunch problems, and the freshman.  I stopped a pair of girls from fighting.  One of my 1^st period students told me that he hated me already…on day one.  My collaborative teacher refused to teach her part of the lesson telling me that she was ‘really tired’.  To sum up my first day:  it sucked.

After the final bell of the day I sat down at my desk.  I was depressed and just sad for such a bad opening day.  I hoped that the rest of the school year would go better.  One of my fellow teachers, John, walked into the room.  “How did today go?” he asked me.

“Oh, it sucked,” I replied simply.

“Yeah, mine was ok…hopefully it gets better…” John said.  I put my feet up on my desk and leaned back in my chair.

Sighing I said, “Well, we have 179 more to go…”

John looked at my shoes and asked, “Did you spill on your shoe today?”

I looked at my shoe and it reminded me of the morning.  I put my feet back on the floor and sat forward.  I put my head in my hands and burst out crying.  John walked up to me and put a hand on my shoulder.  “Hey,” he said softly, “Was it that bad?”

“No,” I said through my tears, “No it’s not that…”

“Then what?” he asked gently.

“My guinea pig Alfalfa peed on my shoe this morning…” I said between sniffles.

“Ooookaaaayyy” John is said characteristic bit of sarcasm.

“I’m tired, I’m emotional and I’m just ready to go home.” I explain drying my tears with a tissue.  I think I just need a nap.

“Yes, I have have great teeth. Can I test them on you?” – A

“You know that pig, he is a knuckle head…”  John stated.  “I’ve read your blog.”

I thanked John and he went back to his room.  I clean up and prepared for the next day.  It took me about an hour to finish.  On the drive home I became more and more depressed.  This was not the first day that I had hoped for.  Nothing seemed right to me.

Alfalfa was waiting for me when I got home.  He wheeked and wheek at me for dinner.  Of course I fed him first before getting my own dinner.  I sat down about an half an hour after the butt was fed.  When I looked over towards the door I saw him at my shoes.  He was sniffing at the left one.  When he got to the right one he sniffed more furiously.  He had recognized his own scent.

I walked over to the shoes.  “Dude,” I said.  He looked up at me.  “You admiring your…uhm…handy work?”  He looked down and sniffed again.  “Yes, that was you…  Why did you pee on my shoe?  Did you need to mark me?” I asked not expecting an answer.  “Does that mean you love me?”  Alfalfa pop-corned with that question.  “You do love, me don’t you?” he let out a small wheek.  “And that was your way of marking me as yours…Dude, I love you too…” Alfalfa pop-corned  for me again.  He melted my heart and lifted it at the same time with that simple movement.  I could not be depressed or mad about my day.  I had him.

“You want a treat?” I asked and he pop-corned again.  “Let’s go!” I said.  He bolted for the kitchen.  I heard his feet running across the floor.  “Silly pig” I said following him.  At that moment I knew that I was the luckiest person in the world because my guinea pig peed on my shoe to tell me how much he loves me…Wow, what a great day!

While You Were Gone

Many of you know that I was on vacation last week in San Francisco.  Alfalfa was left at my step-dad’s house.  I jokingly call him Alfalfa’s granddad…  I left tons of greens, two fresh cucumbers, a fresh bag of carrots, fresh timothy hay, and apples as treats.  I told him that he could supplement Alfalfa’s diet with some fresh picked and washed dandelions.  I book marked several pages on his computer that could help him with questions about guinea pigs.  I even wrote out detailed instructions on how to care for and feed Alfalfa.  Given all of that information, what could possibly go wrong?

I gave everyone summarized update on Facebook.  However, the story behind those summaries is really funny.  Here are the text conversations between me and my dad over the course of my vacation…  Enjoy.

Day of Departure:

Dad:  “Alfalfa is in your room and he is eating his dinner.”

Me:  “Thanks.  That’s good.”

Dad:  “I gave him greens, carrots, apples, and cucumber.”

Me:  “That’s good…just watch out how much you give him.”

Dad:  “Did I have him too much?”

Me:  “I don’t know…”
Dad:  *sends dark picture of Alfalfa eating*

Me:  “Sorry, I can’t tell from that picture…  I’m sure it’s ok…”

Dad:  “I’ll take some back…”

Me:  “DO NOT DO THAT!  HE WILL BITE YOU!”

Dad:  “Too late…  Do guinea pigs have rabies?”

Me:  “NO!”

Dad:  “He didn’t need to bite me…”

Me: “You tried to take away his food what did you expect?!?  Besides, he will not over eat…”

Dad:  “Let me go and put something on this…”

Me:  “Ok, good night.”

 

Day 1:

Dad:  “Alfalfa is jumping up and down when gave him his food.  Is that normal?”

Me:  “Yes.  It’s called popcorning…”

Dad:  “Give him popcorn?”

Me:  “NO!  What you saw is called “popcorning”.  That’s the term we use to describe it…

Dad:  “Oh, why?”

Me:  “I don’t know…look it up.  Is everything else ok?”

Dad:  “Yes…except for that jumping thing.”

Me:  “The pop-corning…”

Dad:  “I thought you said not to give him popcorn…”

Me:  “NO popcorn!  Never mind…  TTYL…”

The Golden Gate Bridge

Day 2:

Dad:  “There’s a lot of poop in Alfalfa’s cage…”

Me:  “Ok… Describe a lot.”

*five minutes passes*

Me:  “You still there?”

Dad:  “Hold on, I’m still counting.”

Me:  “Counting?!  Are you counting pellets?!?”

Dad:  “You asked how much…  Can I just send you a picture?”

Me:  “lol”

Dad:  “What?  I’ll just send you a picture.”
*picture of a lot of poop arrives*

Me:  “Looks normal to me…”

Dad:  “Ok, if there is more, I’ll call…”
Me:  “Dad, there is going to be A LOT more… That’s what GP do!”

Dad:  “That’s not normal…”
Me:  “Yes it is…  Call me if it doesn’t keep building up!”

Dad:  “OK.  But I’m not counting it again.”

 

Day 3:

Dad:  “All is well with the guinea pig…”

Me:  “Good to hear.”

Dad:  “Well…”

Me:  “What?”
Dad:  “He peed all over the floor when I walked into the room to feed him…”

Me:  “He was excited to see you.”
Dad:  “It smells.”

Me:  “I’m sure it does.  It cleans up easily enough…”
Dad:  “Is that normal?”
Me:  “What?  The pee or the smell?”
Dad:  “The pee.”

Me:  “He only does that when he’s really excited.  That pig is more like a dog than a pig some days…”

Dad:  “You owe me.”

Me:  “I know…and I love you.”

Dad:  “Sure, leave me with a peeing guinea pig…”

Me:  “lol”

Dad:  “What?

Me:  “If he doesn’t pee he’s sick, silly…”

Dad:  “I knew that…”

Me:  “Sure…sure you did…”

 

Day 4:

Dad:  “Alfalfa is eating well.”

Me:  “Good…that means he is healthy…”

Dad:  “He gets a bit of all of his food twice a day.”

Me:  “Only give him greens in the morning…”
Dad:  “He looks too hungry for that…  I give him carrots, cucumbers, and apples too…”

Me:  “He’s going to get fat.”

Dad:  “He looks like he could use a couple extra pounds…”

Me:  “POUNDS?  Try ounces…  OMG!”

Dad:  “Should I cut back?”

Me:  “Just in the morning…”

Dad:  “Ok.”

Dad:  “But what if he looks hungry.”

Me:  “That’s what the hay is for…he gets as much as he wants.”

Dad:  “All he does with it is spread it out.”

Me:  “Clean that up and give him fresh hay.”

Dad:  “He’s dragged it all over…”

Me:  “Yeup, he wants fresh hay.”

Dad:  “Wow, he’s a bad pig.”

Me:  “Yeup, TTYL.”

 

Day 5:

Dad:  “Alfalfa is running around.”

Me:  “lol, describe it…”

Dad:  “Random circles…back and forth…”

Me:  “Oh, those are called “zoomies”…”
Dad:  “Good name for them…”

Me:  “It’s funny to watch.”

Dad:  “Oh, he just stopped and is looking at me.”

Me:  “Is it in a menacing fashion?”

Dad:  “What?”

Me:  “Never mind…”

Dad:  “Ok…”

The Pacific Coast of California

Day 6:

Dad:  “Alfalfa bit me again…”

Me:  “Why?”
Dad:  “He doesn’t like me…”

Me:  “He doesn’t like men.”

Dad:  “Oh.”

Me:  “Don’t take it personally.”

Dad:  “I have another bite on my hand.”

Me:  “Sucks to be you.”

Dad:  “Thanks.”

Me:  “Don’t thank me, thank Alfalfa.”

Me:  “Is he being aggressive any other way?”
Dad:  “No.”

Me:  “Sorry about your bite…”

Dad:  “Thanks.”

 

Day 7:

Dad:  “Alfalfa is being loud this morning…”

Me:  “That’s normal.”

Dad:  “He sounds like he is going to die.”

Me:  “No…that’s just him.”

Dad:  “I never knew guinea pigs could be so loud!”

Me:  “Yeup.”

Dad:  “He really is going to die if he keeps that up…”

Me:  “No, GP are that loud.”

Dad:  “He got louder…”

Me:  “He’s got two levels:  loud and louder.”

Dad:  “Louder just kicked in…”

Me:  “lol.”

Dad:  “It’s not funny.  I’m going to get a headache…”

Me:  “lol.”

Dad:  “I’m going to put in ear plugs in order to feed him.”

Me:  “Good luck.”

Dad:  “Thanks, I’m going in…”

 

As you can tell, were interesting for my dad over vacation.  He was more than happy to have me back home and taking care of Alfalfa.  As for Alfalfa, he held a grudge against me for a couple of days.  Once I gave him a nice meal, he was happy again.  I never want to go on vacation again without him…ever.

According to Alfalfa

Did you ever wonder what guinea pig actions mean?  What does that wheek before dinner mean?  Why does my pig like to bite my toes?  I have made some revolutionary discoveries!  After observing

“I did not like that bath…” – A

Alfalfa for the better part of two years now, I think I have discovered some meaning to his actions.  These ‘interpretations’ have been scientifically documented and cataloged below in his voice…that way we humans can better understand his point…

1) Hides with head under bed skirt:  “If I can’t see you…you cannot see me.”

2) Screams at top of lungs before a meal:  “It is the end of my world if a meal is late.”

3) Sits on poop:  “Poop sitting is not nasty…it makes me smell wonderful.”

4) Bites on bars before a meal:  “Biting the bars means faster service for my meals.”

5) Runs away from running water:  “I do not smell!  I do not need a bath!”

6) Bites human and looks away:  “No, I didn’t just bite you.  I was just making sure that you were not food.”

7) Leaves a huge pile of poop behind:  “The more poop the better.”

8) Looks at you then looks away when offering a treat:  “Naw, I’m too lazy for that…”

9) Sniffs at a fresh cage and turns away:  “New bedding?  No!   I just got that smelling the way that I wanted…”

10) Bites toe:  “Toes could be carrots…  I’d better check just in case…”

11) Lies out in the middle of the floor:  “There is always time for me to take another nap.  Zzzzzzzz…”

12) Gives a nasty look when awaken:  “Do not wake me.  I will wake you when I am ready.”

13) Wheeks at top of lungs:  “I am not loud.  You are just a sensitive person.”

14) Turns nose up when asked about a pile of poop:  “Yes.  Yes, I put that pile of poop right there…  So what?!?”

15) Runs away with sock:  “Oh, that was your sock?  Well, now it’s my girlfriend.”

16) Looks at you blankly when picking up something off of the floor:  “You wanted that back without chew marks?  Sucks to be you, doesn’t it?”

17) Bites nail trimmer:  “My nails do not need a trim…I’m growing them out for ‘the look’.”

18) Wheeks at top of lungs when standing at full bowl:  “Seriously?  That’s all you are going to feed me?”

19) Wheeks at empty bowl:  “Yo!  Service over here!”

20) Wheeks at door knock:  “MG is back.  I’m going to get that dude…”

21) Swings hips and rumble struts:  “I’m sexy and I know it!”

As you can tell from my exhaustive study, I have discovered many of the meanings of Alfalfa’s actions.  I hope to continue my study.  Who know, one day, I may actually understand most of the stuff the does…  Right…

Dude, Where’s My Sock? – Part 3

Part Three of Three:  After a week, my sock was still missing.  I was tempted to have it listed on a milk carton.  But, then I was reminded by students that it was only a sock.  I went around my business that week with the thought of my missing sock in the back of my head.  One night I saw something white in Alfalfa’s mouth as he ran by the foot of the couch on a b-line for the bed.  “HA!” I yelled as I jumped to my feet, “My sock!”  Alfalfa was long gone by the time I got on my hands and knees to check for my missing sock under my bed.  “Dude,” I said, “I just want my sock back!” to the empty space under the bed.

"I'm telling you. That mess was NOT my fault!"

I went back to watching TV.  Nothing good was on and my mind drifted as I nodded off.  It brought me to an Alfalfa in Wonderland place.  I had a dream that my sock had fallen down some guinea pig hole.  It was running from me and Alfalfa was sitting on a mushroom smoking hookah asking me, “Who are you?”  Thank goodness Alfalfa’s loud protest for his dinner woke me up before I had fallen too far into that fantasy land.  Shaking my head to clear the strange visions from my head, I got up to feed the master of the house.  I went to the refrigerator, got his food, and feed him.  As I was walking back to the refrigerator, I noticed that there was a piece of white sticking out from under the bed.  My mind yelled, ‘THE SOCK!’  I fell to my knees and grabbed at the sock.

As I got my hand around the sock, two things happened:  First, I saw Alfalfa charging at me from the corner of my eye.  Second, I felt some sort of gooey, sticky, nasty substance on the sock.  Now, as you know from my previous blogs, I tend to be a calm person with understated reactions to many unexpected events.   In other words, I freak out quite easily at the smallest thing.  This situation was no exception.  I yelled, dropped the sock, and held my right hand up in the air like it had some foreign disease.  I truly wondered if I needed to call the CDC for a treatment protocol.   “YUCK!” I yelled as I sprung to my feet and dashed for the kitchen sink.

I turned the hot water on and shoved my hand under the water hoping to get the offending substance off of my hand as soon as possible.  “Nasty!  Nasty!  Nasty…” I kept repeating as I scrubbed my hand with soap, hot water, and a sponge.  As I calmed down, I noticed that the water was incredibly hot and I was burning my hand.   I yanked from out of the streaming stream of water.  “Great,” I mumbled as I inspected my hand for signs of burns.  I turned off the water and grabbed a dish towel.

I walked back into the living room drying my hands.  Alfalfa was standing next to the bed with the missing sock.  He looked ready to bolt if I made a move for him.  He was huffing at me in anger.  “Don’t worry,” I explained as I walked past him to the couch, “I don’t want that NASTY sock back anymore…”  Alfalfa ran under the bed with sock in tow.  I sat down to watch TV again.  I had decided that my sock was lost forever.  Several minutes later Alfalfa walked past me and over to his cage to eat.  “So,” I teased when he was past me.  He turned and looked at me with indignation, “I see you have a girlfriend…”