Sometimes, when I get home, I find a trail of beans from place to place in the apartment.  I like to think that Alfalfa has some sort of line dotting machine in his butt…a “bean-line machine”.  It traces dotted lines wherever he travels around the house…only using his beans.  I think it’s normally set to one bean per ten steps.  That’s the only way to describe the lines he creates.  These lines come in very handy when trying to see what he was up to during the day.

I think there is an idle setting on the bean-line machine.  But the idle setting is at a higher distribution rate than the walking setting.  Whenever he stops somewhere, there is a larger bean concentration.  The size of the pile is directly related to the time he spends at a specific location.  For example, I found a huge pile of beans in front of where I keep the treats.  To me, that large pile of beans indicates that he spends a long time looking up at the treats wishing for one.

There is a ‘dump’ setting on it too.  I think that’s in case he unable to dispense all of the beans needed to prevent a backup.  Thank goodness he tends to use that setting on his pans under the bed.  However, the height of the piles does surprise me.  It seems like they are much taller than him.  How is that possible?   Does he shoot them out?  Does he climb the pile like Mount Everest and build from the top to down?  Does he stand on something and bomb the pans?  I don’t think that I will ever know the truth.

The final setting is on Alfalfa’s bean-liner is the run setting.  When he has this setting on it is harder to determine where he has been.  This is a one bean for fifteen step setting.  So, it’s hard to figure out where he has been.  I decided to make a map.  That was a disaster.  See:

Alfalfa’s Bean Pattern…

As you can see from the map above I couldn’t figure out what the heck had happened during the day.  It just looked like a bunch of beans strewn around the room.  All I could say is that he had one heck of time making it…  Oh, Alfalfa.

“Hey!” – A

One time I was talking to him through the door and I dropped my keys. The lady from across the hall came out to see what all of the ‘noise’ was about. “Ello!” I heard from behind me and I jumped dropping my keys again.

“Oh, hello,” I said bending over to grab my keys again.

“Oh,” the lady said, “El Diablo is bad, yes?”

“Sounds like it,” I said fumbling with my keys.

“He need Jesus!” she declared turning. I saw her backside running back into her apartment. I presumed she was grabbing the Holly Water. I quickly got the key in the lock and opened the door. Alfalfa was in truly terrible mood this day and made a bad choice. He ran past me and out of the apartment. As he exited the apartment, the lady from across the hallway was rushing back out of her apartment. The two sworn foes locked eyes.

“Alfalfa,” I called, “Get your butt back in the house!” He ignored me. He was focused on one thing: that lady from across the hall with the Holly Water. In true western style, Alfalfa and the lady from across the hall were in a showdown. Her weapon? Holly Water. His weapon? His voice and boldness.

Alfalfa had a glint of determination in his eyes. I wasn’t going to just let this happen. I took a step forward and bent to pick up my bad guinea pig. I was too slow.

Alfalfa let out the mother of all squeals and charged at the lady. She took a step back fumbling the Holly Water. Alfalfa stopped half way between her and my apartment door. I was left to stand there half bent over to pick up a now gone guinea pig. “Alfalfa pig!” I admonished standing back up. “You leave her alone!” He ignored me.

The lady got her wits about her, put some Holly Water in her hand, and threw it at Alfalfa. She muttered, “Go, El Diablo, go…” It only made Alfalfa more furious. He wheeked again and began to hiss.

“Look,” I said to the lady, “You’re just going to make him madder…” She ignored me. She took some more Holly Water and threw it in Alfalfa’s direction. He hissed and charged her. The lady jumped and back up several steps into her door. She was making the sign of the cross with the hand holding the Holly Water while frantically searching for the door handle with her free hand.

“No, no, no, no,” came from her mouth. She found the door handle and backed into her apartment.

“Alfalfa,” I called from mid-way between our two doors, “Let’s go! That’s enough trouble…” But no, Alfalfa had to have the last word. The lady watched Alfalfa through the crack created by the mostly closed door. He walked up to her welcome mat in the hallway, turned around, and planted several beans on it. The lady screamed as if she was hit by something and slammed her door fully closed. The noise started Alfalfa and several more beans went flying as he jumped.

Finished with his business, Alfalfa trotted over and past me. All I could do was shake my head and get a napkin to clean up his fresh mess. I called to the shut door across the hallway, “He’s gone… You’re safe now…” I followed Alfalfa into the apartment. I was finally able to put my school stuff down. So, I grabbed a napkin to clean up the mess.

“Feed me now!” – A

When I got into the hallway, I saw the lady from across the hallway liberally applying Holly Water and prayers to Alfalfa’s beans. I told her that I would happily clean them up and spray the mat for extra measure. She would not let me touch them. “Mark of El Diablo…” she said pointing to the bean.

I sighed, “Yes, and I will clean them up…”

“No!” she said firmly. “We pray for Jesus…” She grabbed my hand and started saying the Lord’s prayer in Spanish. So, I stood there and prayed along with her in English over my guinea pig’s beans… When she was satisfied that the ‘evil’ from the beans was gone, I was allowed to remove them and throw them outside. As I came back in I saw her blessing her entrance with Holly Water and incense. She was brandishing a rather large cross while performing her blessing.

I wished her well and went back into my apartment. Alfalfa was standing there waiting for me. “You!” I said as I closed the door. “Do you realize what you just did?” Alfalfa huffed at me. “I had to pray over your beans, your poop… The lady from across the hall thinks that you cursed her…” Alfalfa let out another huff. “What am I going to do with you?” I asked picking up his food bowl and heading to the kitchen. Alfalfa let out joyful squeaks of anticipation for dinner. He had forgotten about the whole thing already… That’s a guinea pig for you…

Author’s Note: We would like to send out a special thanks to all of our fans. The Facebook page Alfalfa’s Adventures hit 500 likes. That’s just awesome. You are just awesome!

“Hay dive!” – A

I got to school the other day and went about my normal routine.  During the middle of my physics class I reached into my pocket and felt something.  As my fingers ran over it I quickly realized it was one of Alfalfa’s beans.  I was puzzled and amazed by the find.  My surprise was written all over my face.  My face turned several unnatural shades…all at once.  Several students asked me if I was ok.  I said that I ‘needed to use my inhaler…’ and proceeded quickly into my prep room out of my students’ view.  I quickly threw the bean out in the trash can, made some noise to make it sound like I was doing what I had said, washed my hands, and walked back out with the best composed face I could make.

Again, several students again asked if I was ok.  I lied and said I was fine.  I wanted to say, ‘You won’t believe what I just found in my pocket:  a bean!’  But then I realized that I was talking about finding guinea pig poop in my pocket.  Most likely, that would not go over too well…with anyone.  The more I thought about it, the grosser it became.  I spent the rest of the day pondering how that magic bean had gotten into my pocket.

“What?” – A

Now, I know what you are thinking…  ‘Well, you must have washed your GP stuff and then your personal stuff in the same washer and by transfer it wound up in your pocket.’  There is one flaw with that idea…  I don’t wash my clothes and GP stuff in the same washer… I use two different ones at the same time… It’s faster!  Besides, a bean would have had to survive the washing process and then floated into my pocket, get dried in the drier, survive being hung up, and finally survive me mad-handling the pants in my morning rush.  Statistically improbable.

So, let’s move on to another possibility:  ‘Well, you must have cleaned up something with a paper towel, placed the towel in your pocket, and then an errant bean just stayed there.’  Really?  A bean just stayed there?  That’s silly.  Besides, it would have to survive the washing process and all that other stuff.  I don’t think so.  I’d love to hear your thoughts and ideas on how that bean got into my pocket.  Also, I’d love to hear about some of the odd places you have found beans.

My conclusion is that Alfalfa has acquired some sort of magic power allow him to teleport beans into people’s pockets…  Odder things have happened with him…right?

Author’s Note:  After have several people message me about the blog tonight.  I have gone over to a neighbor’s house and borrowed a computer.  This is not the blog I had planned for tonight.  Thanks for understanding.

From: Kerry Anne Kay

April 24, 213

Dear Sirs;

I am writing this letter to complain about a product that I received from your company. I have a life-time warranty on the product and have included a copy of the certificate of ownership and warranty for your inspection.

When I received the unit, I was given an estimate on the cost of ownership per month of operation. The cost for my unit has far exceeded the estimated cost of ownership provided by your company. In fact, I have calculated the cost for running the unit for an average month. It is operating at 300% over estimated cost. That is outrageous. The other issue with the operating cost of the unit is the type of energy pellets it is willing to accept. The unit is supposed to receive the mid to low grade energy pellets without any issues. However, this current unit will only actively accept high grade energy pellets. I have attempted to adjust the energy receiving unit several times to no avail.

The broken energy pellet input area…

Another major issue with the unit is the energy unit input to spent energy pellet output ratio. The unit seems to expel more used pellets than it receives. It is a mystery how the unit can receive 30 units of energy pellets and expel 90 used pellets. The energy input area is not safe for human fingers. Quite often the unit will close on my finger or toe drawing blood. I have tried to prevent this by providing extra energy input pellets for the device. It did not work. This unit is a hazard to anyone that tries to give it energy input pellets.

Third, I was informed that the unit would only expel solid waste products. However, my unit has begun to leak a yellowish-clear fluid occasionally. The location of leakage always seems to be someplace that is quite incontinent for cleanup. Speaking of inconvenience, the unit will recharge in areas that are not appropriate. It spends time under the bed or in a small house I have provided. This is a very rude thing to do while I am home. It seems prefers these areas over me. I got the unit in hopes of having a new companion around the house. However, the unit has provided very little companionship.

An example of the unit recharging in an improper location…

The maintenance on this unit has been very difficult. The unit will not come on command as described in your initial information pamphlet. If I call the unit, it tends to run in the opposite direction from me. When I attempt to adjust the unit’s traction system, it will not hold still. In fact, most times, the unit’s energy input device will close around one of my fingers drawing blood when I attempt to make this routine adjustment. Cleaning the unit’s sonic input sensory system is even worse. It will not tolerate that maintenance. Speaking of cleaning, the unit tends to acquire a foul odor very quickly. I will attempt to clean it by soaking it in water and a mild detergent. The unit reacts in a hurky-jerky fashion. This leads me to believe that the unit is not fully waterproof as described in your advertisements. I believe that there is water entering the unit causing a short circuit.

Then there is the issue of the sonic output device. There is no volume control on the unit to turn down or off the alarm system. The alarm will go off for no apparent reason. I have the unit set to silent at night. That particular setting fails constantly on the unit. It sets itself off at random hours when I am sleeping. I have to say it is quite annoying to be woken up at 4 am because the unit perceives it is low on energy input pellets. This is never the case. I am very fastidious about keeping the unit’s energy input pellet dispenser up to date and full.

The defective spent energy pellets port…

The final reason I am returning this unit to you is its inability to interact with most humans. It will set off its alarm or retreat to a recharging area when I have guests over. I obtained the unit with the expectation that it would help entertain my guests. It refuses to entertain or even show its self when guests are present. My guests have attempted to give it energy input pellets only to have the energy input areas close around their fingers. I will not keep a unit that may be a hazard for my guest.

To summarize, I have enclosed the unit, a copy of the certificate of ownership, and warranty for your inspection. I except a full refund or a brand new unit immediately. The new unit should not have any defects I have described or otherwise. Please feel free to contact me at: http://kerryannekay.wordpress.com/ or https://www.facebook.com/AlfalfasAdventures if you have any questions. Thank you for your time and consideration in this matter.

Sincerely;

Kerry Anne Kay

P.S. – The unit’s original programming code was called “Buckley”. I have since installed an updated version of the software called “Alfalfa”.

Author’s note: Guinea pigs are not products. They are a huge responsibility. This is meant as a silly commentary on some of the stuff Alfalfa does. Do not take it any other way… I’m not planning on retiring him. I love and cherish him.

As I was preparing dinner, I heard a faint noise.  I stopped chopping carrots and listened.  It sounded like someone was rubbing my window.  I walked over to the blinds and looked.  Nothing.  “Odd,” I said to the empty view.  I closed the blinds and went back to my dinner preparations.  Several minutes later I heard the sound again.  “What the heck is that?” I asked a quiet and empty apartment.  Alfalfa walked around the corner and looked up at me.  “Was that you?” I asked him.  He huffed at me.  “Yes, I know,” I said, “less talk and more dinner…”

“Smile!” – A

I finished Alfalfa’s dinner, gave it to him, and started to work on my own dinner.  I didn’t hear the noise for the rest of the night and quickly forgot all about it.  Later that night, I was woken from a sound sleep.  I sat up in bed and felt my heart start to beat faster and faster.  I felt like something was in the apartment.  I reached over and turned on my lamp.  The dark apartment came alive with light.  There was nothing but silence.  Alfalfa walked out from under the bed.  He looked annoyed at me for walking him up…the second time that day.  “What?” I said to him, “I thought I heard something.”  He huffed at me and went back under the bed. I sighed and turned off the light.  ‘What the hell was that noise?’ I thought.

I slept through the night without further incident.  On Tuesday, I got home and just like Monday, I started to prepare Alfalfa’s food.  I heard the rubbing sound again.  I froze.  ‘Déjà vu?’ I thought.  I held my breath and listened.  The rubbing noises continued.  I carefully put my knife down and turned.  Silence.  I heard Alfalfa let out some small eeps of pleasure.  ‘Where was that trouble maker?’ I thought.  ‘This better not be all about Rags…’ is what also came to mind.  I carefully tip-toed through the kitchen into my work area.  I stood still and listened.  Again, there was nothing but silence.

“Hey, mom! Is this good here?” – A

‘This is stupid,’ I thought after several minutes.  ‘I am an idiot for sneaking around my own apartment listening for noises.’  I sighed and was about to move when the noise came again…louder.  Then it stopped.  I took a step forward.  Nothing.  I took several light steps into the junction between the hall and living room.  I looked left into the living room.  The room was quiet.  Then I looked right down the small hall.  Alfalfa was standing there sniffing the wall.

I froze. I didn’t want him to know I was watching him.  Alfalfa turned away from the wall and put his butt up against it.  He began to vigorously rub butt-wax on the wall.  His rubbing made that noise that was driving me crazy.  “ALFALFA PIG!” I yelled.  Alfalfa jumped and took off for the bed.  I walked over to the wall to inspect his work.  There was a butt-waxed area along the baseboard.  It was about 12 inches long and three inches wide.  He had been busy.

I sighed at the sight.  “Oh, Alfalfa…” was all I could say.  I heard him eep at my feet.  “Dude?” I asked him pointing at the waxed spot, “was that totally necessary?”  Alfalfa turned his head and gave me that ‘you’re a stupid human’ look he has perfected.  I turned and walked towards the kitchen to get my paint scraper.  I planned to use it to remove the butt-wax from the wall.  I had my head half under the sink looking for it when the noise came again.  I popped back out from under the sink.  Sure enough he was at it again.  “Darn it!” I yelled and got up to stop my devil guinea pig from butt-waxing the wall.  When I got in view of him I said, “GOT YOU!”  Alfalfa bolted again.

I had to stop Alfalfa several times from rubbing his butt-wax on the wall.  I tried cleaning the spot with bleach.  But it didn’t cut through the wax as well as I wanted.  I was forced to go out and get a stronger cleaner help with the spot.  It was an all-natural orange cleaner.  After cleaning, I saw Alfalfa approach the spot.  He sniffed it and sneezed.  “Oh,” I said, “don’t like orange?”  Later that evening, I was sitting down on my couch when I heard Alfalfa rubbing his butt on the wall again.  The orange smell must have worn off.  “Alfalfa Pig!” I called from the couch as I turned to see him freeze mid butt rub.  “CAUGHT!” I yelled and he bolted.  I got up and put a small amount of cage fencing along the section of the wall he was waxing. I went to bed.  I calculate it may have worked for at most eight hours.  In the morning it was down and it was clear that Alfalfa had been butt-waxing the wall again.  I give up…  I just give up…

1) Biting Toes – Contrary to what my mother says, I do not bite her toes because I am mean.  It is simply a matter of taste.  I cannot help it if my mother’s toes and the most wonderful, tasty, juicy, thing I’ve ever had in my mouth.  It may be an addiction.

“Hey, ladies…” – A

2) Random Beans – I do not “let the beans fly” anywhere in the house.  Each pile of beans is a statement.  Just because my mother cannot figure out what I mean, does not make it any less of a statement.  You human cherish your freedom of expression.  So do I!  I just use beans to make my point.  Ok, I’ll admit, there are some beans that are not a “statement”.  But, hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go…  Besides, holding in beans can’t be good for my prostate.  Why risk it?

3) Rags –  Rags is everything a man could want.  I don’t really want to talk about our relationship other than to say that I love her…and to tell her thanks for last night…

4) Girlfriends – Speaking of girlfriends, I really do not have that one special lady in my life.  I mean, I am communication with several on-line.  But I am not sure where to go with those relationships.  Besides, “someone” threatens all of the other girls that I talk to…  I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.  What’s a sexy boar to do?

5) Late Food – Contrary to what my mom says, I do not “yell” “at” “her” for serving my food late.  I am just “yelling” because my stomach hurts…bad.   It’s an expression of pain not frustration.  I can’t help it if it coincides with my mom being lazy or mom being mean or mom forgetting me or mom being late coming home. It’s pain…because my stomach is empty…

6) Destruction – I am not a destructive guinea pig.  The truth is my teeth are constantly growing.  I need to make sure they stay trimmed down.  So, I find inventive ways to make sure that happens…  Just because it involves mom’s furniture sometimes, doesn’t mean I’m being destructive…  It means I’m being proactive about my teeth.  Replacing a $150 desk is WAY cheaper than the vet bills I could have because my teeth were in poor shape.  Trust me.

“I’m a sexy boar…” – A

7) My Man-li-ness – No doubt, you all know that I am a very handsome boar.  I enjoy the benefits of being boar.  But I hear rumors that my mom is threating my enjoyment of being a boar.  I’m telling you now, if she does that to me, I will try to remove one of her toes…with my teeth…

8) Mom – Speaking of moms, I’ve got some good applications for my new mother. I still have not made the choice of who will be my new mom.  I keep trying to find that perfect combination of servant, caretaker, and minion.  It’s been hard.  I mean Garibaldi has a mom that worships him so much, she takes his plushy on vacation!  And lets the plushy write about it:  http://gianthamster.com/2013/04/super-capy-gets-his-powers/   And Dobby’s mom loves him so much that when she says no, she really doesn’t mean it…  Seriously, check out his latest video:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqDpJMSj6d8 I mean, why can’t I have a mom like those two?  *sigh*

Well, I hope that I have set the record straight.  I’ve got to go and eat some dinner.  It’s a rough life.  Hope you have a good week.

- Alfalfa

“My silly Easter picture…” – A

I was making a traditional dish for dinner on Tuesday night.  It consists of fried cabbage, butter, egg-noodles, and some spices.  Before you can cook the cabbage you need to cut it up into smaller squares.  As I was cutting, I accidentally dropped a larger square of cabbage on the floor.  I looked down and saw Alfalfa sniff then grab the cabbage.  “Dude,” I said to him in a firm voice, “put that down…”  In response, he bolted.  “Alfalfa!” I yelled to a rather large guinea pig butt as it quickly disappeared under the bed.  “Oh, boy,” I said putting down my knife and grabbing a towel.

I walked over to the bed and pulled the skirt up.  “Alfalfa pig!” I said to my bad boy, “Give me that.  It’s not good for you…” I reached in to his area and was rewarded with a nip.  I pulled my hand back and visually inspected the area.  The cabbage was gone.  “Oh, pig,” was all I could say.  I walked back over to my dinner preparations.

I finished making dinner and sat down to eat.  That’s when the smell started.  ‘What the heck is that?’ I thought as I ate.  It soon got worse.  I got up and walked over to the door, opened it, and stuck my head out.  I sniffed the air.  It smelled better in the hallway then in my apartment.  I closed the door and turned sniffing for the source of offensive odor.

“Yes?” – A

Alfalfa walked by at my feet.  He stopped, looked up at me, and farted.  “DUDE!” I said.  I leaned forward and was greeted by an awful smell.  “Oh, my goodness!” I said standing back up and holding my nose.  “I told you that cabbage was no good for you…” I complained through a pinched nose.  Alfalfa continued on walking towards his food dish.  As he walked he released small farts.  He was completely oblivious to the smell that he was producing.

I went over to the kitchen and got out the air freshener.  Over the next hour, I think I used up a ½ can of air freshener trying to counteract the stench.  At one point in time, Alfalfa let out a machine gun farting round off.  Oh, it was bad…so bad.  I had the bathroom fan on trying to pull out the smell of the air.  Finally after about three hours the frequency of Alfalfa’s gas slowed and almost stopped.  It was the sweetest thing I had not smelled all day.

Author’s note:  Gas for guinea pigs can be a very deadly condition.  The gas can give the guinea pig bloat if not quickly passed.  If your guinea pig develops gas from a specific food, it’s best not to give that food to your guinea pig.  Sometimes eating too much of a specific food, such as fresh grass, can give a guinea pig gas.  It’s best to feed all items to your guinea pig in moderation and avoid any that cause gas.  It could be a matter of life and death for your guinea pig. 

After about five minutes exhaustion overtook my worries and I started to drift off. That’s when I heard Alfalfa start to munch on his hay. ‘Crunch, crunch, crunch,’ I heard as he started to eat. I smiled. It was a great sound. Then his chewing became more frantic. His hunger had finally kicked in. I sighed and rolled over to my side. As I drifted off I heard him go after his veggie bowl and knock it over in an attempt to get to the greens in the bottom. I sighed, “Silly pig…” as I fell asleep.

“I’m trying to sleep here…” – A

I woke up to a mad and hungry pig wheeking at the side of my bed. He was demanding more food. I giggled in delight at his demands. The wheeking got more urgent. I had to get up and gave him a small second helping of dinner. As he got back into the food, I heard his tell-tale munching. “That’s a good boy…” I said.

Later that same night, my joy turned to frustration… I laid down at night and started to drift off. Not even ten minutes later, Alfalfa started. “WHEEEEEEEKKKK!” he went as if attempting to set a new record for the world’s loudest guinea pig. Alfalfa had decided to protest to the lack of fresh greens and vegetables in his bowl. “PIG!” I called from the bed. “Cut it out!” The loud wheeking sound stopped and was replaced with a pathetic half-wheek-half-sob-half-sniffle. I listened to his begging for five minutes. It finally got to me. “Dude,” I called out, “Please, oh, please, go to bed…” The noise stopped.

I was exhausted and started to drift off. Again, Alfalfa let out another huge squeal, “WHEEEEEK!” he went from the left side of my bed. “That’s it!” I said reaching for the bed side light, “That’s it!” I turned on the light and threw back my covers. I was furious. I was making plans on sending Alfalfa to one of his aunt’s house. ‘He’s going to his new mom,’ I thought as I got out of bed. I guess that’s why I didn’t notice the rather large pile of beans on the floor. I stepped in the pile with my right BARE foot. SQUISH! “Aughhhh!” I yelled jumping back.

“Al-fal-fa!” I yelled. I heard the brat run off. I sat down on the bed and began to pick the crushed and stuck pellets off the bottom of my foot. Alfalfa called from his bowl. “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I said getting up and walking over to the trashcan and then the sink. I washed my hands ignoring the renewed call. I got out some greens and re-fed the beast. Ten minutes later I was in bed and quickly drifted off again.

At 1 am, I heard a ‘pswipt’ noise. I opened my eyes in the darkness and listened for the noise again. The ‘pswipt’ came again. As the fog cleared, I realized that Alfalfa was shredding paper. “Dude?” I called. ‘Pswipt,’ came in response. “Alfalfa, dude?!?” I called louder. There was a pause in the sound. “Can you just let me sleep?” I asked to the darkness. “Pswipt…” was the reply. I sat up in bed, “Alfalfa!” I called. “Please, just let me sleep!”

“Again, trying to sleep…” – A

Finally there was silence. I sighed and lay back down. I quickly started to drift off. As the fog of sleep rolled in the noise came again, ‘Pswipt, pswipt, pswipt…” I couldn’t stop him. I had to just ignore it. I rolled over, pulled out my pillow, and used it to cover my head. Finally, I drifted off to sleep…again…

At 6:00 am, my alarm went off. I was exhausted but had no choice to get up and go to work. I turned on my bed side lamp. As I sat up, I looked to the left of the bed and saw the four new piles of beans Alfalfa had left for me. I just sighed, got out of bed, and tiptoed around the new piles. Alfalfa was nowhere in sight. I lifted the bed skirt and saw an out cold guinea pig. “Alfalfa?” I called. He didn’t stir. “Alfalfa?” I called a bit louder and he twitched. “Dude?” Alfalfa opened his eyes, yawned, and sneezed. “Yeah,” I said unsympathetically, “I’m sure you don’t like being woken up, either…” I dropped the bed skirt and went to deal with my morning routine. When I was on my way out I saw Alfalfa walk out from under the bed. He looked really tired. “Lucky. I’d love to have your life right now…” I said to him as I closed the door. It was going to be one of those days.

“Where’s Alfalfa?” Dan asked as he entered the apartment.

“Whaaaa? I don’t have a big butt?” – A

“I don’t know,” I replied looking around, “Somewhere…”

“Ok,” Dan said closing the door behind him. Just then Alfalfa must have heard his voice. He streaked out from under the desk and to his area under the bed. “Black streak!” Dan said through a giggle.

“Oh,” I said walking over to the desk. “I guess he’s not going to come out for you…” I said gathering the materials that my guest needed. “He’s gone into hiding, under the bed…” I laughed at my comment.

Dan walked over to the bed and lifted the skirt, “Hey, buddy!” he called. Alfalfa bolted from out of the bed and back to his desk area.

He must have been more concerned about Dan than me because he ran into my leg, bounced off it, turned, and frantically wiggled himself under the couch. I laughed at both the situation and the frantic butt wiggle I just saw. “You missed it!” I called to Dan. “He just wiggled himself under the couch…that was an awesome butt wiggle!” I laughed. Dan and I finished our visit and I saw him out.

“Is Alfalfa still under the couch?” Dan asked as he left.
“I guess,” I said plainly. “When he gets hungry, he’ll come out…”

“So about five minutes after I leave?” Dan asked.

“Yeah, that sounds about right!” I laughed. “See you at school.” Dan left. I closed and locked the door behind him. Retuning to my desk I looked around and didn’t see Alfalfa. I just assumed he had bolted back under the bed…

I started to work on my computer and heard a small noise. I listened…it was grunting. I assumed that Alfalfa was making out with his sock Rags. I giggled a bit and went back to my work. Five minutes later I heard a small whimper. “Dude?” I called. “You ok?” Silence. Alfalfa was up to something. I felt a small chill go up my back. I stood up and called, “Alfalfa?” I heard the whimper again. I looked around and didn’t see the trouble maker anywhere. “Dude?” I called again. Alfalfa didn’t respond. I sighed and began a methodical search for my guinea pig.

I check under the bed. No Alfalfa. I check in his pig-a-loo. No Alfalfa. I check under the desk. No Alfalfa. Where the heck was the bugger? I stopped in the middle of the apartment and called, “Alfalfa?” I heard a small whimper again. I went to the kitchen cabinet and checked it. Again, no Alfalfa.

I was getting frustrated. I walked over to the couch and sat down on the arm. Alfalfa squealed. I stood up. “Oh, my god!” I yelled and fell down to my knees. Had I just crushed my guinea pig under my couch? “Alfalfa?” I said to the couch and tried to pick it up. I managed to lift it about six inches. I expected a mad guinea pig to come running out. There was no Alfalfa. I put the couch down as gently as possible. Then I panicked.

I grabbed several books out of my book shelf. I managed to knock over several other books. I ran back over to the couch and got down on my hands and knees. My goal was to prop up the couch with book. Alfalfa must have heard me because he started to wheek frantically. “I’m coming, dude!” I yelled at the underside of the couch. I got one book under the back leg of the couch before my strength gave out.

“Yes, I do more than sleep…” – A

I got down flat on my stomach to see what state Alfalfa was in. I saw a butt and a pair of back legs attempting to push out of something. It was pitiful. “I’m coming,” I said to the struggling back side of Alfalfa. He let out a loud wheek. I lifted the couch again and added another book. It was getting hard for me to lift the couch. I managed one more lift and book placement.

I got down again on my belly to see if Alfalfa was finally free. I saw something unexpected. Alfalfa was hanging from his mid-section half way in and half way out of the bottom of the couch lining. He was stuck. I laughed. He feet were going a mile a minute trying to get out of his couch-ly bondage. He started to wheek at me.

I reached under the couch and gently supported his butt. He stopped struggling. I placed my hand on his side to see how tight he was in there. The cloth was very snug around his mid-section. He was a round pet in a square hole in the couch. Alfalfa began to struggle again. “Dude,” I said in a gentle voice, “You need to be still.” I had to figure out how to get him out. I grabbed his exposed middle section gently and pulled. He didn’t budge. “Oh, Alfalfa,” was all I could get out. I was going to have to cut him out.

I gently let Alfalfa down an back into his hanging position. He immediately started to protest. I got up, ran to the kitchen, and threw open the utensil draw. I grabbed the first sharp knife I saw and ran back over to the couch. I got back down on my stomach and grabbed Alfalfa’s butt again. He squealed in protest. I picked a spot about four inches away from Alfalfa and started to cut around him. It was working.

When I was about half way through the circle I was cutting when Alfalfa started to struggle again. “Dude,” I said gently, “You want out? You need to stop.” I had to adjust my one handed grip on Alfalfa in order to prevent him from getting more caught up in the couch.

I had finally cut him out. There was only one problem…he had a skirt of liner around his mid-section. I put the knife down and went to pull Alfalfa from under the couch to work on this new secondary problem. He had other ideas. He bit my finger. My hand twitched and he took off…skirt and all. All I could do was nurse my new wound and get to work on patching up the new hole in the bottom of my couch. I got up and got out my selected patching material of choice: duct tape.

When the couch was repaired and put right, I set my sights on my guinea pig turned ballerina pig. “Alfalfa?” I called. There was no response. I picked up the skirt of the bed and found Alfalfa. “Hey, ballerina,” I called to annoy him. Alfalfa chattered his teeth at me in response. “You want me to cut that off of you?” Alfalfa chattered his teeth again at me. I reached in to grab him. He snapped at me. “Fine,” I said, “You can stay a girly-ballerina-pig for now.” I put the bed skirt down again.

“I’m on the hay…” – A

I went to the couch and sat down to rest for a bit. I was exhausted. Alfalfa wandered out from under the bed about fifteen minutes later. He walked over to my feet and let out a pathetic wheek. “You want that off now?” I asked. Alfalfa wheeked again. He looked so pathetic.

I bent forward and scooped Alfalfa up and placed him on my lap. I began to work the skirt off of him slowly. It took me about five minutes of carful maneuvering to pull it off. When it came free, Alfalfa began to wiggle on my lap. I put him down and he began to run in circles. He was a happy pig. He began to popcorn around the room. I laughed at him.

“Dude, you are so silly,” I said to him as he happily ran. “Now let’s discuss how much I can charge you for the rescue and couch repairs.” Upon hearing my word, Alfalfa ran and hid under the bed. Oh, pig…

“Yeah,” I said still reeling from the memory. “Thanks,” I said.
“I’ll leave you to your work. The vet should be about 10 minutes. That will give you time to clean and dry you little one…”

Me, throwing a temper tantrum… – A

“Ok,” I said and put Alfalfa into one side of the double basin sink. He threw off the towel and started to explore his new prison. Perhaps it was the smell of old soap or the smell of another animal. Alfalfa started to wheek at the top of his lungs.

The tech walked over and looked into the sink. “Feisty little thing…” he said reaching in to pet Alfalfa. Before I could say not to pet him, Alfalfa struck like a snake and nabbed the tech’s finger. “Ouch!” he yelled.

“Yeah,” I said, “He bites… did I forget to mention that?”

“Kinda,” the tech said sucking his finger.

“Did he draw blood?” I asked.

“Yeah,” the tech said around his finger in his mouth. “I’ve had worse from dogs… But guinea pigs have these needle-like teeth that always get me… I’ll leave you to your work…” he said as he left the room.

I sighed and turned to Alfalfa. He was clearly still really mad. “You happy now?” I asked. He wheeked back at me. “You’re in the ‘dangerous pets’ room. And now you’re biting.” Alfalfa let out a huff of air through his nose and turned his head. “Yes, I know he deserved it, but behave!”

I stopped-up and filled the other sink basin with warm soapy water for Alfalfa. I placed him into the water and used a cup to clean him. The worse part, for both of us, was when I had to run water over his face. He hates getting his face wet. After the bath, I rinsed and toweled off Alfalfa. When I am at the vet, I never put Alfalfa on the exam table without being confined in a cage or high-sided container. He doesn’t care…he jumps then looks. So, I sat on the floor with him wrapped in the towel. After about five minutes Alfalfa became restless again and made gesture of wanting to explore. So, I spread the extra towel I had over my shoulder on the floor and put him down.

His feet hit the ground running. He bolted off somewhere into the exam room. I sighed and watched the backside of my guinea pig disappear underneath some piece of equipment. He had a bit of trouble fitting his rather large backside under it. After a wiggle or two he was under. “Dude,” I called, “If you get stuck under there, I’m leaving you…” Now, I know that I should have been concerned. But, it was a closed room, no way out, what kind of trouble could he get in to? Right? I sat back and closed my eyes. Fifteen minutes later I heard a knock at the door. It was the vet. I stood up as he entered and shook his hand.

“So, your guinea pig, Alfalfa,” he said as he check the chart I had filled out, “got into some hot chocolate mix?” He giggled.

“Yes, that’s right,” I sighed. “My primary concern is his heart and perhaps it disrupting his digestive system…”

“That’s reasonable,” the vet agreed, “Let’s get a look at the little guy…” The vet looked around, “Uhmmm, where is he?”

“Somewhere around here…” I said getting down on my hands and knees. “Alfalfa?” I called.

“He’s escaped?” the vet asked.

“Not exactly, he’s used to getting his way and I put him down to let him explore and work off some energy and…” I fumbled over my words. “Alfalfa, pig!” I called.

Silence.

“Really?” I said, “Are we going to play this game?” I said loudly to the underside of the furniture. “Alfalfa, get your butt out here!” I yelled.

“I’m a cutie!” – A

“Is he trained to come on command?” the vet asked looking down on me.

“No,” I said crawling forward, “He’s a trained pain in the ass…” The vet sat down on the rocking chair. I continued to look under the furniture.

“Perhaps putting him on the floor was not a good idea…” the vet suggested.

“Ya, think?” I retorted. I turned, “Can I borrow your light?” I asked

The vet got up and handed me his pen light. I began a methodical search for Alfalfa by crawling around the exam room on my hands and knees. The vet got on the room phone and called for ‘reinforcements’. The tech that Alfalfa had bit appeared several minutes later with two new tech. “Great,” I moaned, “an audience…” I stopped my search to address my audience, “Uhmm, it’s just a guinea pig… I really don’t need this much help, so thanks anyway…”

One of the new techs responded, “We’re not here to help; we’re here to watch… This is way too entertaining to pass up.”

“Wonderful,” I said getting back down to finish my search.

I searched the last spot in the room that Alfalfa could be hiding: under the medical storage cabinet. And there he was, “I found him!” I yelled from the floor.

“Grab him,” one of the tech offered as helpful advice. I laid flat on the floor and attempted to put my arm under the cabinet. I got all the way up to my elbow and could go no further. I was close but could not reach Alfalfa. I pushed a bit more and was rewarded with a sharp pain in the skin of my elbow. “Ouch!” I said wiggling back out from the cabinet. “I can’t reach him…” I said sitting back on my haunches. I dusted myself off. “Any idea?” I asked the audience.

“Tranquilize him,” one of the techs offered.

“Tranquilize?” I yelled more than asked.

“We can’t,” the vet said, “we need an injection for that and it’s too risky.”

“Thank you,” I said with clear relief to the only level-headed professional in the room. “Any other ideas?” I asked.

The room was quiet for a minute. “I’ve got it,” I said after some thought, “grab me a broom.”

“Ahhh,” the three techs let out at the same time. All three left the room to find my selected implement of destruction.

I got down on my stomach again, “I’m giving you fair warning you hellion, I’m coming in there, with a broom… So, get your ass out here right now!” I said to Alfalfa. He chattered his teeth at me. “You’ve been warned,” I said to him. I heard the door open and close again.

“Here,” someone said to me. I reached my arm up and felt a broom handle being placed into it. I placed the implement of destruction flat on the floor next to me and began to insert it into the space under the cabinet. Alfalfa saw the broom and began to hiss at it.

“Hey,” I said to the angry ball of fluff under the cabinet, “you were warned.” I poked at him. He hissed. I poked again. He hissed again. This went on for about two minutes. I turned and said, “The broom is not intimidating him, I’m going to try to push him down to my right and out. Be ready with a towel.” The bitten tech grabbed a new towel and got into position at the far side of the cabinet. “Don’t stand too close,” I warned. “Let him think he’s got a clear path, then snatch him up!” The tech nodded.

I stuck the broom back under the cabinet. This time I didn’t push it right at Alfalfa I went behind him and lifted it slightly. I poked his butt with it. Alfalfa jumped, turned, and bit the broom handle. “Not going to work!” I said to the attacking guinea pig. I moved the broom the my right and Alfalfa backed up in response to the motion. I used the broom to hit the floor a bit to make some noise. Alfalfa bolted for the right side of the cabinet as predicted. I saw him scoot under the edge and out.

“Got you!” I heard from my right. I sighed. I backed out and sat down on the floor. “We, got him!” the tech said triumphantly. He held Alfalfa up, still wrapped in the towel, to the window of the exam room. I heard a bunch of people clapping. That’s when I noticed that the exam room had a window with a shade. The shade was up and there was at least a dozen people watching. I sighed. I was their entertainment. Wonderful…

“Yes, it’s another bow…” – A

The vet examined Alfalfa. He was fine. The vet thought that he had only ingested a small amount of mix. The vet thought that what he ingested came from him trying to clean himself. He gave me some Benebac for his stomach if any problems presented themselves.

The office staff that checked me out was giggling the whole time. “Was there anyone that didn’t see that little episode?” I asked.

“Nope,” the lady said laughing. “That was awesome… We will never forget that one…”

“Lovely,” I said.

“Hey, at least the little guy is ok,” she offered.

“Next time,” I warned, “he’s staying here…with you…”