This past Monday I got home in the early afternoon as usual. However, I found Alfalfa in a bit of a compromising situation. He was asleep, out cold, in his hay half buried in the stuff. He was on his side using the hay as a pillow. It was so cute. I broke out laughing at him. Alfalfa woke and stretched. He looked up at me with an annoyed look, realized it was me, and jumped. I had scared him. Alfalfa wheeked at me as loud as he could manage. He was obviously annoyed with me. “Sorry…” I murmured sarcastically, “I didn’t mean to interrupt your beauty sleep…” Alfalfa sniffed and started to nonchalantly chew on his hay. He was trying to play off the scare. I giggled again and went about getting his dinner ready.
As I was preparing dinner, I heard a faint noise. I stopped chopping carrots and listened. It sounded like someone was rubbing my window. I walked over to the blinds and looked. Nothing. “Odd,” I said to the empty view. I closed the blinds and went back to my dinner preparations. Several minutes later I heard the sound again. “What the heck is that?” I asked a quiet and empty apartment. Alfalfa walked around the corner and looked up at me. “Was that you?” I asked him. He huffed at me. “Yes, I know,” I said, “less talk and more dinner…”
I finished Alfalfa’s dinner, gave it to him, and started to work on my own dinner. I didn’t hear the noise for the rest of the night and quickly forgot all about it. Later that night, I was woken from a sound sleep. I sat up in bed and felt my heart start to beat faster and faster. I felt like something was in the apartment. I reached over and turned on my lamp. The dark apartment came alive with light. There was nothing but silence. Alfalfa walked out from under the bed. He looked annoyed at me for walking him up…the second time that day. “What?” I said to him, “I thought I heard something.” He huffed at me and went back under the bed. I sighed and turned off the light. ‘What the hell was that noise?’ I thought.
I slept through the night without further incident. On Tuesday, I got home and just like Monday, I started to prepare Alfalfa’s food. I heard the rubbing sound again. I froze. ‘Déjà vu?’ I thought. I held my breath and listened. The rubbing noises continued. I carefully put my knife down and turned. Silence. I heard Alfalfa let out some small eeps of pleasure. ‘Where was that trouble maker?’ I thought. ‘This better not be all about Rags…’ is what also came to mind. I carefully tip-toed through the kitchen into my work area. I stood still and listened. Again, there was nothing but silence.
‘This is stupid,’ I thought after several minutes. ‘I am an idiot for sneaking around my own apartment listening for noises.’ I sighed and was about to move when the noise came again…louder. Then it stopped. I took a step forward. Nothing. I took several light steps into the junction between the hall and living room. I looked left into the living room. The room was quiet. Then I looked right down the small hall. Alfalfa was standing there sniffing the wall.
I froze. I didn’t want him to know I was watching him. Alfalfa turned away from the wall and put his butt up against it. He began to vigorously rub butt-wax on the wall. His rubbing made that noise that was driving me crazy. “ALFALFA PIG!” I yelled. Alfalfa jumped and took off for the bed. I walked over to the wall to inspect his work. There was a butt-waxed area along the baseboard. It was about 12 inches long and three inches wide. He had been busy.
I sighed at the sight. “Oh, Alfalfa…” was all I could say. I heard him eep at my feet. “Dude?” I asked him pointing at the waxed spot, “was that totally necessary?” Alfalfa turned his head and gave me that ‘you’re a stupid human’ look he has perfected. I turned and walked towards the kitchen to get my paint scraper. I planned to use it to remove the butt-wax from the wall. I had my head half under the sink looking for it when the noise came again. I popped back out from under the sink. Sure enough he was at it again. “Darn it!” I yelled and got up to stop my devil guinea pig from butt-waxing the wall. When I got in view of him I said, “GOT YOU!” Alfalfa bolted again.
I had to stop Alfalfa several times from rubbing his butt-wax on the wall. I tried cleaning the spot with bleach. But it didn’t cut through the wax as well as I wanted. I was forced to go out and get a stronger cleaner help with the spot. It was an all-natural orange cleaner. After cleaning, I saw Alfalfa approach the spot. He sniffed it and sneezed. “Oh,” I said, “don’t like orange?” Later that evening, I was sitting down on my couch when I heard Alfalfa rubbing his butt on the wall again. The orange smell must have worn off. “Alfalfa Pig!” I called from the couch as I turned to see him freeze mid butt rub. “CAUGHT!” I yelled and he bolted. I got up and put a small amount of cage fencing along the section of the wall he was waxing. I went to bed. I calculate it may have worked for at most eight hours. In the morning it was down and it was clear that Alfalfa had been butt-waxing the wall again. I give up… I just give up…