The Maintenance Guy Visit – Part Two

Alfalfa never says no to food!

The apartment complex I live in ordered a new air conditioner. It arrived on a Monday and I was advised that it should be installed on Tuesday. So, I began my ‘visit’ preparations on Monday night. Of course the area where the Maintenance Guy (MG) needed to work was right above Alfalfa’s area in the apartment. This was going to be a project and a hassle and a potential problem. Alfalfa does not like change.

I began by moving Alfalfa’s cage. He went into ‘what’s up?’ mode right away. He sniffed at the floor where the cage used to be. I expeditiously hand vacuumed the floor while shooing him away several times. When the area was complete, Alfalfa re-inspected it. It was not to his liking so he decided to add some of his own scent and decorations. I turned to see him mid poop pile building. “Alfalfa pig!” I said loudly. He jumped and ran toward the bed. Several beans popped out of his butt as he ran leaving a clear trail to his hiding spot. “Oh, pig,” I sighed grabbing for the hand vacuum again.

I cleaned the errant beans up laughing as I did. This was a small pile for him. Alfalfa stuck his head out from under the bead skirt and huffed at me. The new place of his cage and items was not to his liking. “Tough!” I remarked to him. He huffed again and went back under the bed. My task was finished and I moved a barrier into place to keep Alfalfa on the bedroom side of the apartment. His territory was cut in half. Stepping over the barrier, I walked to the couch and sat to watch TV.

I heard Alfalfa ruffle the bed skirt as he went over to the barrier to explore the change in his environment. I turned to see him stop several inches shy of it. He looked at it with a large amount of suspicion. “You’re not going to get through it…” I told him. He ignored my comment staring directly at the barrier. Alfalfa walked up to it and sniffed. “I told you, pig… It’s not going to happen…” The barrier I had up was a bunch of panels from an old cage strung together to form a moveable fence. The one flaw was that the zip-ties that held the panels together also acted as hinges. It did not take Alfalfa long to figure that out.

He grabbed a bar on a panel and began to tug back and forth. “Alfalfa Pig!” I admonished him. He stopped and looked up at me with the bar still in his mouth. “Oh, don’t be a bad pig… We need cool air… This is the only way.” I told him. He didn’t care. He wanted into the ‘forbidden’ area of the apartment. He continued to tug on the barrier. I sighed and got up. Seeing me move, Alfalfa darted back under the bed. I sat back down again. I thought, ‘How persistent can that pig be?’ I soon found out.

Alfalfa charged from under the bed right at the barrier. He ran head first into it. I heard a loud crash as he hit. “My god!” I yelled as I popped back up again. “Alfalfa!” I yelled. He backed up for another crack at the barrier. “Stop!” I yelled as he charged and then hit the barrier. *Crash* “Ok, ok, ok,” I yelled. “You can roam the apartment! Just stop!” I bent down and opened the barrier. Alfalfa walked though into the ‘other side’ of the apartment. He chattered his teeth and huffed at me. He held his head up high as he walked over my feet to his destination. It was a parting shot.

I sat back down on the couch. “Look,” I said to my rebel pig, “I’ll leave it open…for now. But later, I’m going to need to close it… Maintenance guy is coming soon.” He huffed at me and sprawled out on the floor in the middle of the living room. He was saying that he was king of his own domain…how dare I question that…how dare I cut his ‘domain’ in half… Alfalfa was not afraid to show his displeasure in the barrier or people on the other side. I can handle Alfalfa and his demands. However MG and the properly manager found out later that week that he’s quite a handful…

Next Wheek: The Phone messages from MG’s visit… Oh, boy Alfalfa was so bad…

The Maintenance Guy Visit – Part One

When writing this story I realized that it would be best presented in several parts…

My air conditioner is dead, literally.  The other week it decided to go out in a blaze of glory.  At first it was just a small squeaking noise that I mistook for Alfalfa.  Then, the unit started to vibrate.  I dutifully called the apartment management and asked them to send the maintenance guy (MG) out to look at it.  He promptly came out and began to intensely stare at it with a menacing glare.  I thought to myself, ‘Oh, yea.  That look is going to fix the damn thing.’ He turned it on and off several times, tuned the temperature up and down, and turned other settings on and off.  The unit continued to make the squealing noise and vibrate.

The Offending Appliance…

MG took two steps back and leaned his head to the right.  “Hmnnnn,” he said out loud.

“What?” I asked from the kitchen.  I had retreated there out an abundance of safety.  MG had a crazed look in his eye when he walked into my apartment.  I was not concerned for my own safety but for the safety of my appliance.  After all he was an expert in all things ‘maintenance’.  The unit began to vibrate more violently.

MG placed his hands on his hips and said, “There is only one way to fix this thing…”

“What?” I asked stupidly.  “How are you going to fix it?”

“Like this,” he declared and took two steps closer to the air conditioner.  He lifted his right arm and began to pound on the unit.  Seeing and hearing this I quickly ducked under the kitchen table.  I was in fear of flying air conditioner parts.  Let me stop here and explain something about the MG.  He is a very nice guy.  He has two kids and a great wife.  He is a total gentleman and always goes out of his way to help me.  However, he has one flaw:  he has a potty mouth.  So, it is not unusual to hear a stream of curse words coming out his mouth when something is not going his way.  This was the case with my air conditioner.  MG let a stream of curse words as he pounded on the unit.   I think the air conditioner would have been crying and apologizing for unrealized sins if were human.  At best it would have been yelling, ‘Mercy! Mercy!’

The pounding stopped.  The apartment was blissfully quiet and so was the air conditioner.  I heard in a strong southern drawl, “Mam?”

I stuck my head up from under the table, “Yes?”

“Why you down there?” he asked with true curiosity.

“Dropped something…” I explained standing up and dusting myself off.  “Is it fixed?”

“She’s running good now!” he declared with a proud smile on his face.  “Is that all fer today?”

“Yes, that will do.  Thank you,” I said.  MG turned and unlocked my door.  He gave me a final good-bye and slammed the door.

My air conditioner shifted and fell out of the hole in the wall that contained it.  Luckily it fell to the outside and not the inside on Alfalfa’s area.  I let out a loud scream of fear and ran over to the new gaping hole in my wall.  The damn thing was still running as it dangled from the cord.  I yelled out the hole, “MG, MG, MG!”  (I used his real name which has been withheld for privacy reasons.)  MG turned as he was walking out the foyer of the building.  He smiled at me and then realized that I was yelling for him through the wall.

Luckily I live on the first floor of my building.  The floor is half-submerged below ground.  MG ran down the stairs and around to the opening.  “Turn it off!” he yelled.

“I can’t,” I yelled back.  “The damn thing is outside!  You are closer!”

“Oh,” he said leaning down and turning off the unit.  “I’ll give you some slack so you can unplug it.”  I carefully unplugged the unit and tossed the cord out of the opening.  MG placed the air conditioner on the ground.  “Well, that’s the problem,” he declared as if an ultimate victor over the air conditioner.

I couldn’t help myself, “Ya think?” I asked sarcastically.

“The seal broke…that helps hold it in the window…no wonder it was shaking…” he explained to me and the air conditioner.

“Can you fix it?” I asked.

“Sure,” he said with all of the confidence of an experienced MG.  “Let me just get some duct tape.”  He turned and walked towards his work shed.   MG managed to get the unit back into the window and repair the broken seal with lots of duct tape.  However, the air conditioner refused to work again.  The fan had managed to dig itself into the wall of the unit and burn out the motor.  I needed a new air conditioner.  The old unit was left in the wall to act as a bug, creature, and security barrier.  MG told the property manager that I needed a new unit and new seal for the unit.  I waited for my new air conditioner to arrive…but that’s part two of the story…  And yes, it does involve Alfalfa…

Bad Bath Behavior

This is what I think of a bath! – A

This past weekend, Alfalfa was in quite a bad mood from the bath I tortured him with on Saturday morning.  After he was dry I placed him on the floor and told him, “Now, go play a bit.”  He was not happy with the whole situation or my dismissal of him so soon after the offending event.  He charged my feet and tried to bite my toes.  Jumping back I yelled, “Dude!”  He chattered his teeth and ran at me again.  I took evasive action and jumped up on the couch.  Standing there I looked down to see my guinea pig glare at me with only the menace a recently bathed boar could muster.  “What?” I said to him, “You were the one sitting in your poop!  I had to give you a bath.  You smelled…nasty.”  He huffed at me and chattered his teeth again.  “Well, don’t be a ‘poop sitter,” I explained borrowing the phrase from Phoenix Piig’s mom, “and you won’t get baths…as often…”

Alfalfa seemed to be satisfied with our conversation and went off to attend to more pressing matter under the bed.  Once he disappeared under the bed skirt, I waited several minutes to assure the coast was clear.  Standing there I began to feel ridiculous.  ‘What the hell am I doing?’ I thought.  ‘It’s just a guinea pig…a three-pound-ball of pooping fur!  I have nothing to fear.’  Gathering my courage I stepped down from the couch.  I braced for a charging boar.  Nothing.  The apartment was quiet.  I took a step towards the bedroom…and another…and then I saw the movement in the bed skirt.

I froze.  I held my breath so that I would not make noise.  My thoughts ran the gambit…  One second I was dismissing the fact Alfalfa was nothing but a guinea pig and the next I was wondering if I could jump on to the bed to avoid an attack from that same creature.  Risking it I took another step.  Alfalfa ran out from the bed skirt straight at me.  I swear that thing’s eyes were as red as red could be.  I let out all of my held breath in on rather loud and girlish scream.  “Aughhhhh!” I yelled and ran in the opposite direction toward the kitchen.  I half tripped over the rug, somehow planted a foot, turned, and hopped up to sit on the counter top.  The items I neatly stored on the surface got pushed back and crashed into each other with the sound of a bowling ball hitting pins.  I quickly pulled my feet up to ensure they were out of reach as Alfalfa entered the kitchen.

“HA!” I taunted my guinea pig, “I’ve managed to outsmart you!”  He chattered his teeth at me in anger from below.  “HA!  You can’t reach me up here!”  He stood there glaring at me.  I was in another show-down with my guinea pig.  I sighed, “I can’t do this all day, pig.  So, I propose a treaty.”  He turned his head with interest reacting to the word ‘treaty’ as if it were ‘treat’.  “If you want a treat, I’ll give it to you…today.  No questions asked; No complaints.”  He let out a small wheek.  “I’ll take that as a yes,” I said.  I grabbed a nearby dishtowel to act as an impromptu matador cape in case Alfalfa decided to charge me.  I got down off the counter top and started slowly towards the refrigerator.  I pleaded in a quiet voice, “Oh, I’ll give you lots of snacks today…”  Again, Alfalfa gave me a small wheek of approval.  He backed up into the living room giving him plenty of room to build up speed for a new series of attacks.

Opening the refrigerator, I reached for Alfalfa’s favorite food:  carrots.  As I picked up the bag, it rustled and Alfalfa let out a wheek of impatience.  I startled and the bag dropped bouncing off of the bottom shelf.  It spewed its contents all over the floor in front of the fridge.  Alfalfa was not scared or deterred by the orange vegetables raining from the sky.  He took it as a gift.  Sniffing the spilled food, he selected a rather large carrot and began to drag it off.

I let Alfalfa drag his carrot off thinking that he would give up.  I was sure that I would find it in the middle of the living room, partially eaten, and really dirty.  I picked up the carrots and washed them before returning them to the refrigerator.  I cautiously went to check on my guinea pig.  He and more importantly the carrot were nowhere in sight.  “Huh?” I thought out loud.  I looked for my crazy pet.  I saw something orange sticking out from under the bed skirt.  I bent down to pick up the carrot from under the bed skirt.  I grabbed it and was met with an unexpected resistance.  I dropped the carrot in surprise.  It moved and was pulled completely under the bed.  I heard Alfalfa chatter his teeth in anger.  “Oh,” I said realizing that my guinea pig was responsible for the resistance from the carrot.  I took several steps back from the bed anticipating another charge.

Alfalfa stuck his head out from under the bed skirt.  “Don’t worry,” I said with an apologetic tone, “It’s yours…it’s yours.”  He huffed at me and ducked back under the bed.  “Talk about a grudge,” I said walking back over to my computer.  ‘Oh, boy,’ I thought.  ‘This grudge thing is too funny.’  I updated Alfalfa’s Adventure’s status:  “How long do guinea pig grudges last?  Alfalfa is taking this bath grudge to the extreme… – KA.”  I received many, many interesting responses throughout the day.  Alfalfa took advantage of our agreement multiple times wheeking for treats below the spot on the shelf that contained them.  I couldn’t complain.  After all, I still had all of my toes.

- Kerry Anne

P.S. – Alfalfa and I would like to send good thought to the “Alfalfa’s Adventures” editor Carolyn Trimble-Weber.  We miss all of her red correction marks on the rough draft of this blog.  We hope she feels better soon!

My Love and My Loves

One night a year we all get together to celebrate and remember the lives of our smaller friends.  This night also honors a pioneer in the field of guinea pig care:  Peter Gurney.  This was the first year that I was aware of the memorial.  I participated in the candle lighting at the sunset of March 9^th.

This is Nibbles. She was awesome!

I found an appropriate candle and light it.  Alfalfa wanted nothing to do with me and ran into his pig-a-loo to hide.  Picking it up, I said, “Ha!  Can’t hide, dude!”  I scooped him up with the dexterity of an experienced guinea pig wrangler.  He was restless as I walked with him over to my chosen spot for the memorial.  It took a couple of minutes but he was finally calm enough to accomplish my task.  I turned off the lights to say a prayer to all of my lost rodents.  I began, “In the name of the father, the son…”  After my initial prayer, my thoughts and prayers became internal.

Alfalfa became very affectionate when I was silently praying.  He began to coo at me and snuggled into my arms.  This was one of the only times that I have ever had him do this.   He was quite content with the entire situation.  The realization interrupted my train of thought and I thought, ‘Wow! This is awesome.’

I am not sure if it was the light or the calm that was in the air.  However, Alfalfa responded to it whole heartily.  His cooing continued as we stood there.  I did not want move or do anything that would change my pet’s mood.  So, I stood there rocking him in my arms like the precious baby that he was to me.  I kissed the top of his head and he did not pull away or flinch.  He snuggled in to the nook of my arm even further.  Alfalfa’s cooing quieted and he sighed in total contentment.

I start to cry.  I was so happy to receive love from my evasive guinea pig.  He was truly a comfort to me.  I relaxed and began to think about the loved pets in my life.  Tara was my first cat.  She followed me everywhere in the house.  She had her litter of cats in my room and later she crossed the rainbow bridge in my room.  She survived my childhood and my childish treatment of her.  Kaycee was my first and only dog.  The half shepherd-collie mix was not the brightest bulb on the strand but she was loyal as anything.  She was a fierce protector of the family and once saved us from an attempted robbery on our house.  Then there was Sam the Cat.  He was named after the children’s book and was silly, funny, and just an overall great cat.

I thought about my lost rodents.  I remembered my Petey.  He was his sweet gentle natured guinea pig.  Petey never talked.  The vet and I could not figure out why he was mute.  It didn’t matter.  I loved him just the same.  He would sit on my left chest by my shoulder and sigh in contentment.  He was my first guinea pig and my first love in the rodent world.

I remembered my Nibbles.  She was an albino rat that loved to sit on my shoulder and walk around the house with me.  She would brux on my neck to show that she was happy.  Her boggling skills were at their best when she was sticking her head out of my sweater sleeve.  She was silly, funny, and so, so, loyal to me.  She liked being picked up by others but would jump or run to me if I was nearby.

As I started to come back to reality I realized some time had passed.  Alfalfa began to squirm in my arms.  He was making small noises of discontentment indicating it was time for me to put him down.  “Ok,” I said to the current rodent in my life.  I gave him a kiss on the head and turned on the light.  Placing him on the floor I said, “Thanks, my sweet boy.  I needed that.”  He looked up, huffed, and me and went padding off to his business.  I laughed, “You had to get in the last word, didn’t you…”

I blew out the candle and said, “Thanks be to god for all of the special animals in my life.  They were and are loved.  I will see you all at the rainbow bridge….”  I blessed myself and followed my guinea pig.

What did you say?

We all talk to our pets as if they were our kids.  I am no exception.  I have nicknames and expressions that I like to use with Alfalfa.  However, I have never noticed how odd my expression and things I often say to my guinea pig were until I made a list of them over the past two weeks.  I don’t know if I was more amused or horrified at what I say to him.  Regardless, it is quite humorous on many different levels.  I have broken up it up into several categories.  I hope you have a good laugh at them.  I know I did… (Please note that the expressions are not related to any curse words or negative connotations.  Any similarity is purely coincidental.)

This is my scared face…

Expressions of Love and Affirmation:

“Oh, my butt-head.”, “Butt-Boy!”, “Who’s my butt-butt?”, “Who’s my piggy-wiggy?”, “Al-foo-ie!”, “Al-fi-piggers!”, “Hey, lover-boy.”, “Who’s my little poop-boy?”, “Oh, that’s a nice poop, buddy!”, “Gold winning poop, dude.”, “Poop-tastic!”, “Hey, baby-boy!”, “Yey, it’s a pig.”, “Pigger-wigger!”, “Love you, dude.”, “Dude-a-rific!”, “Nice, job, buddy!”, “Get it, get it!”, “Do you want a treat?”, “Treat time!”, “Treat-tastic!”, “Wheeker-dude!”, “Hello my little dude!”, “Piggie!”. “Peeeeeg!”, “Sweet-T-Pie”, “My baby”, “Oh, dude…”, “Baby boy.”, “Who’s the best wheeker ever?!?”, “Sweetheart”, “Sweet boy”

Expressions of Exasperation:

“AL-FI-PIG!”, “OMG! Pig!”, “You little devil.”, “Dude, cut me some slack here!”, “Did you poop on the floor again?”, “Alfalfa Pig!”, “Ouch, dude, that was my toe!”, “No, not the toe…NOT THE TOE!”, “Hold still.”, “Excuse me, pig.”, “Alfalfa, be quiet, please…”, “That’s it!  Go to your pig-a-loo!”, “Nice try…”, “*sigh* How is it possible for you to make such a big mess?”, “Dude, get a life.”, “Did you make that mess?  Of course you did.  Why do I bother asking?!?”, “*sigh*”, “Turn off the alarm setting Alfalfa.”, “If I give you a carrot, will you stop yelling?”, “If I give you a treat will you stop it?”, “Don’t make me come over there…”, “Alfalfa!”, “Dude, what’s up with that?”  “DUDE!”, “Can we make a deal?”, “Please just be good.”, “Really?”, “REALLY?!?”

Expressions Though Song:

“You are my butt-head, my only butt-head.  You make me happy when skies are gray.  Oh, please don’t take my butt-head away…”  (Sung to “You are my sunshine.”)

“I love you.  You love me.  You are the best pi-gi-gi!”  (Sung to the “Barney” song.)

“Here a butt.  There a butt.  Everywhere a butt-butt.  Old Alfalfa had a poop.  E-I-E-I-O!”  (Sung to “Old McDonald”)

“Oh, I love my pig!  Oh, yes I do!  Let me tell you how much I love you!  Alfalfa pig is a butt.  Alfalfa pig is a nut.  But, piggy, I love you.  And I know you love me too!”  (Totally made up song.)

I’m sure that I’m not the only one that talks to their pet like this.  You should hear my mom with Jack, Bones, and Merc.  Maybe that’s where I get if from…  Hmmmm…  I still think that it is amazing how we show our love to our pets.  The nick names we have for them show our love and adoration for some amazing animals in our lives. Now I’m sure that I’ve forgotton some…but that’s between Alfalfa and I…