Poop Wars – Episode 1: “Poop in the Morning”

My mouth is empty. What's up with that?

I enjoy the weekends…you can sleep late, stay under the warm covers, and take your time joining the world.  However, Alfalfa views the weekends in quiet a different light.  Those are the two days of the week that his food may or may not be late, he may have to be quiet, and that may not get a good ear scratch.  Not acceptable to any guinea pig.  I woke up this past Sunday a bit later than usual…8:00 a.m.  I was brought back to the world by the rustling under the bed.  Alfalfa let out some small squeaks of displeasure to remind me of the time.

Ignoring the noises, I stretched out in bed and enjoyed the warm covers.  Alfalfa heard the movement and set off his alarm.  He ran from out of the bed and squeaked at me from the rug next the bed.  He wanted to be fed…right then and there.  “Ok, Ok,” I relented, “I’ll get up and feed you.”  When he heard my voice, he let out the mother of all squeals.  I sat up in bed.  “Ok!” I said.  I threw the covers off of me and put my feet on the ground.  The bedroom was cold and dark…  Alfalfa bolted for the kitchen.  I stood up and took two steps.  I felt something cold and squishy through my left sock.  My brain immediately registered what it was:  POOP!

Now, this was not the first time that I have stepped into a little pile that Alfalfa has left for me.  My usual reaction is a bit of repulsion mixed with a touch of anger topped off by embarrassment.   Not this time.  In my defense, it was a Sunday morning and I was still a bit groggy.  Also, Alfalfa had been so good about using his litter pans the past couple of months; I had put my guard down.

I freaked out… not just a small freak out…  I had the mother of all freak outs.  I jumped up and grabbed my left foot trying to balance on my right leg.  Somehow I managed to hop several time before starting to fall towards my bed.  Now that would have been an acceptable surface to fall on…comfy pillows, nice mattress, and warm covers.  What the heck was my brain thinking?

I overcorrected to my left…right into the dresser.  I hit my left hip on the wooden dresser and let out a loud scream of pain.  The dresser rocked and most of the stuff started to tumble off of it.  I finally fell and hit the ground.  There were trinkets and small treasures on the floor to cushion my fall.  I hit with a sound thud that I felt throughout my body.  Lying on my side, I began to laugh and cry.  Trinkets of my life continued their assault on me from above.  All I could think was, ‘This guinea pig is going to kill me…’

Alfalfa – 1
Kerry Anne – 0

Escaped Peeeeeeeg!

As you can tell from previous stories, my guinea pig, Alfalfa is not normal.   He was very high strung and loud when I first rescued him.  These two things as well as his questionable medical background worried me.  I made an appointment at my local exotic vet to easy my worries and get Alfalfa a complete medical checkup.

The trip to the vet’s office was easy and unremarkable.  I thought that this was foreshadowing a calm and easy vet visit for my new pet.  I got to the office, filled out the long form, and got grilled by the reception staff on why I didn’t know the exact date of my pet’s birth.  After a long explanation of his rescue they finally put me into room.

I took Alfalfa out of his carrier and placed him on the metal exam table.  He did not like it and began to protest by squealing at the top of his lungs.  I tried to pet him to calm him down.  He got louder.  The dog in the room next door began to bark.  I was at a loss.  After about two minutes of the dog-guinea pig chorus, the staff had had it.  I was told to calm my animal down.  So, I picked up Alfalfa.  He would not have anything to do with me and squirmed to get out of my hands.  I almost dropped him.

Out of fear and frustration, I sat down and placed Alfalfa on the floor of the room.  He walked away and began to explore the room sniffing furiously as he went.  He was blissfully quiet and the dog next door had stopped barking.  After about five minutes Alfalfa was done exploring the room and began a second look at spots.  I was tired and put my head back against the wall and closed my eyes.  Sometime later, I heard a soft tap at the door and a voice say, “Alfalfa?”  as it opened.  I caught a black shape near the door as I opened my eyes.

The mention of his name was the only motivation that Alfalfa needed.  He bolted.  The darn thing ran right through the open door, around the vet, and into the hallway.   I jumped to my feet and yelled “Al-fiiiiii!”   The vet turned around and I peered out from the door to get a better view of the hallway.  Alfalfa was facing the vet and the vet was facing him.  Show down at the OK-Corral.  The receptionist, hearing my cry of alarm, came running around the corner to see what the commotion was about.  He was trapped between two experienced animal catchers.  We had him!

Nope. The dog must have sensed the disturbance and began to bark.  Alfalfa bolted out into the waiting room and disappearing somewhere in the maze of chairs, displays, and other assorted waiting room items.  I pushed past the vet saying something like, “Oh, god, a dog is going to eat him…”  When I got out into the waiting room and scanned it, all was quiet…too quiet.  A set of dogs and their owner sat there completely oblivious to the crisis at hand.

The vets walked up behind me and made a smart remark about, “he’s a feisty one!”  I told him to shove it and got down on hands and knees to look for my pet.  The receptionist was behind her desk franticly on the phone with the ‘back room’ explaining that we had “an escapee”!  I turned to see two burley men come running out the back room door, down the hallway, and into the reception area with rather large dog catching poles.  Still on all fours, I lost it.  I began to laugh hysterically.  I had to reposition and sit down before I fell over.

“Which way did it go?” the one guy asked.  Still laughing I said, “Those are not going to work!  It’s a guinea pig!”  “A pig!” the other guy cried in alarm.   “No, a guinea pig!” I said as clearly as I could through the laughter. I made a gesture to indicate the size of my pet.  “Oh,” the first one said in apparent disappointment.  “So, you don’t need these?” he said pointing to the pole.  Though my tears of laugher I heard the vet explain to the two attendants that indeed it was a lose guinea pig and not a dog, cat, or boar.

“Now what?” was all I could say as I sat on the floor.  The vet suggested that we clear out the room, I go back to the door of the waiting room, and call Alfalfa while rustling a bag of treats to tempt him back.  I got up took the proffered treats and walked back to the examine room.  The room was cleared.  ‘No way this is going to work,’ I thought over and over again.  Dutifully I shook the bag and cooed “Alfalfa…”   As I stood in the doorway between the hallway and the room, a black figure darted out from under the dog food display and started towards me.  “HA!”  I said.  The guinea pig froze in his tracks.

I had had it with this little game.  I was tired, I was mad, and most of all, a small little rodent was not going to get the best of me.  I yelled, “Damn it! Alfalfa Pig, get your ass back into this room right now!”  I pointed at the ground.  He looked at me, chattered his teeth, huffed, and proceed down the hallway and into the room.  He entered his carrier and collapsed in sheer exhaustion.   I bent over, closed, and secured the door.  Game over.

The vet said, “That was fun,” with a huge grin on his face as he entered the room and closed the door.  “You’ve got one great guinea pig there…great personality and feisty!”  I sat down on the floor.  “My god is that what it’s called?” was all I could ask as I hung my head in exhaustion.   “I’m doomed…”

Due to demand, Alfalfa has is own facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/AlfalfasAdventures#!/AlfalfasAdventures

Thanks for your support.

Please excuse my guinea pig…he’s not normal…”

A rare moment of quiet for Alfalfa.

Many people have asked me why I allow my guinea pig to freely roam my apartment.  I usually just explain that he is ‘strong-willed’ and it’s easier this way.  The looks I get range from shock to bewilderment.  However, that is the truth…my guinea pig will not stand to be caged up.

This whole situation started right after I rescued Alfalfa.  He was very hyper and liked to run around his cage.  I had the cage on a small table.  He quickly managed to knock it off of the table and on to the floor with him inside of it.  After a quick emergency visit, I was advised by my vet to place the cage on the floor and to create an addition for the cage.

I made the door of the cage into a ramp by weaving cardboard into it, placed a piece of chloroplast on the floor, placed a fleece on top of it and made a fence to keep the pig in his new play area.  This was a temporary situation.  However, I soon discovered that my guinea pig was able to manipulate the cage or eat through the zip ties I used to secure them.  I came home one day to find that Alfalfa had eaten though four zip ties.  Worse, they were nowhere to be found.  Another emergency vet visit followed that discovery.  Now I had a willful guinea pig and one that was making a habit of needing the vet.  What could I do?

Day after day, I tried a bunch of different ways to keep my guinea pig in his cage.  Each morning I would tell him, “Alfalfa, be a good boy and stay in your cage.”  That didn’t work.  One day I spent an hour searching for the thing only to find him sleeping behind a box under my bed.  He gave me the death stare.  I broke out in tears.  How was I going to live with this monster?  I turned to the internet.  People made some weird suggestions; some were helpful and some were just mean.

Finally, after the second month of being greeted by the guinea pig that just would not stop I just gave up.  I said, “Fine, if you want to roam the house I’m not going to stop you!  I won’t feel bad if you eat something and kill yourself!” I went around and piggy proofed the apartment the best I could.  Alfalfa followed me.  He sat and watched me move wires, cover areas, block off others, and just move things around.   I was still in tears.

I walked over to the fridge and opened it.  Of course, Alfalfa was there waiting to be fed.  So, I took out a carrot and offered it to him.  I held it about four inches above his head not wanting to place it on the carpet.  He stood up on his back legs and took a bite out of the carrot.  When he was done chewing, I offered him another bite.  Again, he went up on his back legs and took the carrot.  I sat down and began to talk to him saying “up” with each time I held out the carrot.

Alfalfa was a quick learn.  He mastered up in less than two weeks.  He now does it when offered a tasty treat.  That’s the day that I realized that I couldn’t cage up my guinea pig.  He was just too different.  I’ve tried to train him to do a circle.  He starts and then runs off and runs back.  That’s his version of a circle.  I just tell him each time he tries, “That’ll do pig…that’ll do…”

- ME

How my guinea pig ‘attacked’ the maintenance guy

Recently, I put in a maintenance request to fix my toilet in my apartment.  Being an efficient and effective at his job, the maintenance guy (MG) came to fix it two days later.  I work as a teacher and was not able to be home to receive him.

It is no secret to the MG and property manager that I own a guinea pig.  In fact, it is no secret to them that he has learned how to escape from his cage and roam my apartment at his leisure.  I cannot count the number of times he has met me at the front door.  I usually wind up asking him, “Did you escape again?   Naughty boy!” in a teasing tone.  Secretly, I am happy to have a guinea pig that is smart enough to get past all of the tricks I use to stop his escape attempts.  (I’ll tell you more about that in another post.)

I guess the MG was not expecting to be met at the door by a guinea pig.  He told me that he keyed into my apartment, saw the guinea pig waiting at the door and proceeded to say, “Hey fellow!”  Poor Alfalfa didn’t react nicely to this visitor.  He began chattering his teeth in anger at the MG.  The MG took one step into the apartment and Alfalfa began to squeak.  MG told me that it was like he set the security system off and there was no off button.

MG bent down to pet the guinea pig thinking “that will calm him down a bit.”  Alfalfa wouldn’t stand for it.  He ran away turned and ran back at the MG charging like a raging bull.  MG told me that it seemed like he was trying to “bit his toes off.”  I asked MG if he had just walked past the guinea pig.  He said “NO!”  Apparently, Alfalfa had scared him out of my apartment!  Seriously?  A 2.5 pound guinea pig versus a 175 pound man?  Seriously?  MG was scared away?

Do you have any interesting stories of guinea pig madness?  I’d love to hear them.  And by the way, the toilet is still broken…MG won’t enter my apartment unless Alfalfa is “caged up”.  Alfalfa is some sort of Houdini pig…bars won’t hold him!

- ME

Welcome to the World

I’m new to this type of stuff…  I hope that this doesn’t backfire.  I don’t know why I’m starting a blog.  Perhaps it just the thing to do.  I don’t want to bore you…this first post will be short.  Welcome to the World.

- ME